Lucifer

Words Spelled From Heart
2017-07-23 06:15:32 (UTC)

Serein

It’s been a long while since I sat down and wrote something from my soul. These past entries have been all about people in my life. And how their actions and reactions have been impacting my life.
Serein.
It's a french word. Meaning rain. And "Pluviophile" is word used to describe a person who finds joy and peace of mind in rainy days.
And I'm not that kind of person.
Since I was a kid, I’ve never been particularly been fond of rain. Nor do I like it now. Most of the people find solace in rainy days. They say it’s something about the way it washes everything clean. And how the soft drumming of it soothes one’s soul.
To be honest, I don’t exactly know why I don’t like the rain. It’s something about how everything feels dampy and wet and other things. I’ve always equated raining on a important day such as the day of an exam to be a bad omen. It’s something about that pearl grey sky. It has always made me feel trapped somehow underneath it.
And it’s been raining continuously for the past three days. When I say “Continuous”, I mean that-pesky-drizzling-without-a-break-making-everything-seem-so-wet kind of continuous. And I’ve become sick of it now. It’s so cold here. Literally. When I woke up 5:30 AM today and looked out of the window towards the pond, I found the overnight raining had caused a mist to settle over the pond. Along with it, a lone crow was cawing in the distance. Somehow, all of it felt sort of ominous. It kind of creeped me out. So I closed the window and went back to my room to study.
Dropping this year, it somehow is making me jealous of my friends now. Not an all out why-am-I-here-and-they-are-not kind of thing. Lately, it has settled over me like blue coat of sadness. Sadness I’ve no right to. It was my decision right? I tell myself I’m being ridiculous by brooding over it. But then, whenever they send their pictures enjoying their life in college, I do enjoy seeing them. However, a small pang of sadness does hit me. I can’t help but feel it. I’m the one who stay behind at home.
And then naturally, my mind goes to the great Unknown and What Ifs. I don’t know if my decision to stay home and take a gap year to study properly will be fruitful. What if it is not? What if it is? What if I don’t get into what I’m aiming for? What if I fail in my this endeavor? I don’t know if I’ll succeed. And I’ve to. There’s no question of second guessing my decision now. It’s already said and done. I don’t know what will happen next year at this time of the year? Would I be going to the place I wanted? Or would I be compromising with myself? Where would I be at this time next year? And most importantly, would I be happy with myself? Would I free of this ever present guilt residing inside me?
God, I hope so.
I desperately wish that by next summer, I’d be free. Free to once enjoy rain. Without any worries. Jumping and splashing water. I hope that by that time, I’m mentally totally free of this deep guilt.
Okay. I’ll go now. My allotted time to play is over.




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