TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-07-20 22:12:20 (UTC)

Coming Back To Center....

Slowly, but I feel myself starting to calm a little. It could be the lack of sleep because I am at best pulling 5 hours a night. (I didn't even masturbate last night!) I appreciate my sexuality without the frantic "gimme more gimme more" (not that it doesn't have it's fun side too.) All things considering, I was pretty well behaved this time around. I didn't have 5 or more online partners or make any dumb decisions. I ask myself if I were getting regular sex if I would still be this way. Maybe not, but maybe I would be wearing out my partner. I know I would still masturbate and watch my partner masturbate.
Why have I done this to myself? Because I realized today an important truth. My sexuality is mine. My father took and used it and stuck himself inside my head and I may never fully escape it, but he is dust in the ground and I still have to take responsibility for my own sexuality. Despite my husbands lack of interest I have CHOSEN to be celibate (at least off line.) I have chosen this. I wanted a normal, sexual marriage with my husband. I thought if I were patient and understanding that in time he would want to be sexual again. Anyone who wanted their marriage to work would have tried. But I let it go to long....my fault. Not his. Mine alone. So here I am.
Have I always made the wrong choice? It depends on perception obviously, but I think I've also gotten it right in others ways. I keep the Inward Whore at bay. I don't have multiple sexual partners and I'm not exposing myself to disease or other issues. I'm not stealing other people's spouses. By staying online I've tried to give my sexuality an expression with minimal damage. There's many things I feel I've done right.
My sexuality is continually 'evolving.' I hate that word but it's the best I have now. With my background there is no way I was going to have your standard run of the mill sexuality. That is one of the things you lose in incest. I am finding my way and when the time comes I will leave and hopefully have a relationship that is sexual and fulfilling...on this I am hopeful:)
-TM




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