quick stupid entry I hate writing about myself these days I am runoff
"Junk Bond Trader" by Elliott Smith
July 21, 2017 Friday 1:23 PM [I leave for college in less than a month now]
I feel shitty and it grows.
Not sure what is up with me, but I feel very much out of it. Like, usually I'm only a little socially awkward, but lately I've been feeling very weird and guilty. And I feel so trapped with myself?? Like, not quite. I want to want someone else, but I just convince myself to consider it. All that comes up in my head is a list of all the nasty things about love that people don't really tell you. I swear, gross people only find love if they have also have no shame, and I have a loooot of shame, I will never NOT have shame.
I am so ashamed of so many things that are... questionably shameful?? Like, it's fine but my feelings don't think so. What?
I don't know, I've been especially paranoid lately, not just in the shit-am-I-gonna-get-murdered-tonight way, but also in the she-texted-back-"okay"-does-that-mean-she's-mad-at-me? way. And, dude, that like almost never happens. I have been worrying incessantly about whether or not Kay hates me. And I keep asking myself, why do I care if she hates me or not??? First of all, she probably doesn't CARE enough about me to hate me.
I guess I'm more scared of the fact that she has a habit of seeing straight through BS, and I am convinced that I am entirely made of BS. She can probably see every single one of my insecurities and white lies, is my thought. I'm a fucking liar, is my subsequent thought. Dumb, is my third thought. Dumb things I am thinking about, in the end, in the end, in the end: who CARES if she sees through it???
But me is not listening to me.
I slept over at Alexis's last night and for some reason it felt... weird. Like, Alexis's girlfriend and Kay were there too. I like them all, they're all very funny, especially Alexis's girlfriend, who once told me I reminded her of eating pancakes on a hill at sunrise. Or something like that. It was very sweet, though.
But, like, Alexis's house scares me. It reminds me of Sam's apartment, which, fuck, terrifies me. And before that, I am brought to distant memories of Aaron's apartment. There was always that lingering fear. I can't quite place it. I guess the apartments always involved at least one ignorant person with a hair trigger temper. I have always felt uncomfortable in places like Alexis's house (I am terrified of parents). Then again, I am uncomfortable at everyone's house. It all just exhausts me, I want to go home, be alone.
I have gotten little sleep in the past couple weeks. I'm not tired, but I sort of am, y'know?
I'm just all dulled and shit.
On the bright side, I've been reading and writing a lot. Plus, I'm home by myself now. Thank fuck. I can shake off all the misplaced guilt hanging off my skin, man. Until Liv stops by, that is. I mean, I love Liv, but I dooo NOT feel human right now, which means I don't feel love for her. Cannot do it. I feel so shitty, man, sooo shitttttyyy.
OK I guess I shall go. I am fine.
I want to hurt someone or myself but I don't know how or why.