Amber

lost in love
2017-07-17 16:58:13 (UTC)

feelin some type of way

I woke up defiantly feeling some type of way this morning.I'll give a little back story before explaining why I'm a little upset.
Before I had met Curtis I was with a guy named Alex. We were together for about four years before I finally left him. He had literally made my life hell and Curtis really helped me get out of that situation. Alex was the first person I had ever been with and we started dating when I was seventeen. Looking back, I think a lot of the issues I have now, are because I was so young and still growing when these things happened to me. I don't even know what happened, but right around three years, something inside f him changed and he just snapped. He started to beat me here and there and putting me down really really bad. Being so young and this being my first relationship I really started to believe the things he was saying to me, especially since I heard it non stop. He would tell me I was fat or I was ugly ect. By the fourth year he was punching choking me out ect. At this point, me and Curtis had been talking as friends, but he really wanted to take me out and swore I deserved better. I remember one night Alex had pushed me into the wall and told me that he couldn't stand to look at me because he didn't find me attractive anymore. I pushed him back as hard as I could and I told him "fine I'll go find someone who does think i'm attractive" and I was done! Things got way worse once Alex realized that I was actually leaving him and that I was serious. He punched the whole left side of my face in when he realized I was talking to Curtis. And one night when I was taking a bath, he walked in and wanted to have sex. I told him no because I was talking to Curtis (and hard core falling for him) and he held me under the water for what seemed like forever. I remember closing my eyes and thinking to myself this is how I am going to die. Luckily my brother came home and Alex had stopped before my brother made it down the hall way past the bathroom to his room. Since he was living with me and my family at the time (my parents had know idea this was going on) a lot of times I would stay at the park in my car (I was 21 at this point), just to get away from him. When I finally told Curtis how bad things were he had me stay with him. When I was around Alex he would continue to do the same things but I started to fight back, well at least the best I could anyway. I was tired of being hit and put down, choked out, and damn near almost raped/raped by him. Curtis got tired of it to, and would protect me whenever he was around, and eventually told my parents what was going on. Alex ended up joining the navy and moving to Florida where he was stationed.
So yesterday I went to work like I do everyday, and one of the girls I worked with had told me that one of her close friends, was with Alex and that its a small world. I could care less,but she was showing me pictures of them together and it turns out that he proposed to her. Now, I'm not mad in any way shape or form that they are together because there is no way in hell I want him or would take him back. I am upset, because the only thing I have ever wanted in life was to have a man fall in love with me and treat me with respect, and want to marry me. I want to fall in love and marry someone and spend the rest of my life with my soul mate (yes I believe in soul mates)
more then anything else in the entire world. I truly do believe Curtis is my soul mate but he just isn't at that stage in his life where he is even thinking about marrying someone right now. I'm upset because I don't understand how someone who was so cruel to me and so evil, found a girl fell in love and now has the one thing that I want more then anything. I don't understand and it is beyond upsetting to me. It makes me wonder why he thought what he did to me was ok (because it really fucked me up, the things he did and said to me) and why I was the only one he did those things to? I almost feel, in a way he was the one who ended up winning.....




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