Lucifer

Words Spelled From Heart
2017-07-17 08:55:00 (UTC)

Photographs And Guilt

I'm sorry.
I'm being a hypocrite again. But then, what can I do about it if I'm feeling so much confused and guilty.
Night before yesterday, that's on Saturday night, I slept at 2:37 AM. I had checked the time before going to sleep. Wondering what was I doing so late at night? Well, crying is your answer. I'm not generally that crying-&-showing-emotions-so-vividly type of person. In the day, I always show that I'm alright. Everything's fine with me. It's usually always in the night between 1 AM to 4 AM, that my melancholy decides to hit me in waves. I tried to sleep at first but then when it kept coming in waves, at 12, I told my parents I'm going to study since sleep is evading me. I went to my study table, and instead of opening my books, I opened my phone and began seeing all the photos taken during school days.
Annual Function. Teacher's Day. Winter time after pre-boards. Farewell. Time when all of us friends went to take Results and stuff from school for the last time.
And my silent tears kept coming.
Know why? Him. Again. I know. I had promised myself I won't think and write about him. I had. But here I'm again. Being the hypocrite once again.
Because it's all so...wrong. It feels so wrong. I'm tired of these internal debates I've been having with myself. Feels like I'm torn apart in two.
Since he read this diary (I strongly recommended him to NOT to), I feel awkward. It feels so weird. He knows. Half of the things I thought about, since I erased other half of the things, but he knows. And I feel awkward. I don't know how to act around him anymore.
I talked with him on Saturday, during the time he was reading it, and he acted weirdly. Suddenly I felt him being all warm and flirty.
Why? Why can't he behave the way he was before reading this? Pitying on me suddenly? Because of reading this? Because of what I felt?
That irked me. Irked me so much. And I came off cold. Too cold. I didn't do it consciously. It just happened. After a bit, he said he has to go to eat and he'll talk to me after that. No big deal, right?
It wasn't to me. I didn't ask him to talk with me. I hadn't. So why going to that? Because he felt pity? How about no dude. So I said "why.No need. Really. Bbye." What I had really meant by that was there was no need of him to pity on me. It was alright. There was no need for him to do the effort of going to eat and coming back "for me" to talk. There was no need of him to do that much. It was alright. Like I wasn't fucking begging him or even asking him to fucking talk. Right?
He said he wanted to talk to me because he felt that we didn't talk like we used to but we do love each other the way we used to.
Huh? Seriously? Was that reply even for real?
After initial days, I began making the same amount of effort he made to talk with me and that's why we didn't talk. He was busy. I know that. So I didn't disturb him. Why would I?
And I just...couldn't sleep after that. Thinking of all of this. How he was again pitying on me. He knew I hated being pitied. Like dude, I wasn't fucking begging you, right? There was need for you to do all that pitying on me. I'm fine. Thank you so much.
Then there was yesterday, he was still being very warm and inviting to me. Again that behavior irked me. And I came off again defensive. Saying no to everything he said. I just had to you know (even if there was something I wanted, I said no to him. Even when he suggested let's talk on phone, I said no). Because I knew, this was all because he had read my diary. Not because he wanted to. It wasn't real. Just customary. Because he pitied on me. And I refuse being pitied.
After certain time, he snapped (Totally my fault, I went defensive too much).
He asked me why was I misbehaving with him.
Misbehaving. I was misbehaving with him. Right. Wow.
Well. How did he expect me to answer it? I'm not saying all of this. I'm not that..you know...that term. Whatever. I felt guilty afterwards and said him sorry. And that I loved him and good night.
And I'm still feeling guilty about how I behaved. I shouldn't have. May be, I should stop saying anything entirely. Like what was the need? I won't say anything anymore and he won't snap at me and I won't feel guilt afterwards. I should stop saying anything anymore because that way I won't get to see him pitying on me and I won't be hurt anymore.
But then there is another part of me.
That part which always gets to me. The part which is masochistic. The part which loves him unconditionally. That part which will always love him no matter what. That part which had fallen for him so hard so long ago. That part which had seen so many dreams with him. In all her dreams, always he was there. One constant. Always there. Waiting for her. Doesn't matter if it's a dream or real world. He was always there. Silently looking at her and smiling her favorite goofy smile and waiting for her to reach him. It's that part of me that always ran upto him without a second thought. That part of me which couldn't help but smile upto him in return. That part of me which always wants him so bad, it doesn't if it's healthy or not. That part which can't give up on him. On us. That part which always reminds me that he is not the kind of boy you could just date and break up with. He is the kind of boy you get married to.
I'm so torn up between this. I don't know how to feel. What do I even feel right now?
Arghhh!!!
I'm back to from where I began. Confused.




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