inbetween

inbetween
2017-07-15 21:58:26 (UTC)

I do fall back on self-pity when I feel ..

I do fall back on self-pity when I feel wronged or feel like a failure. I must celebrate my strength instead and learn to know my weaknesses. And there are many weaknesses, but some I am sure can be changed.
All the opportunities are there, but I don't have a single care apparently, so I'd rather hide away for the time being and bore myself to death?
I have been here before. It's a pattern. It's really fucking boring.
If I don't care, I will make myself care. Nothing has to be forever. But I can't give this up before I have truly mastered it. Mastered the boredom.
What is it I really want?
I want meaningful, giving, growing and compassionate relationships.
I want wisdom. I want to learn so many things.
I want comfort and security like any other, but I also want to grow with my challenges. I don't want to be bored.
I want success. I try not to want it but I'm not sure what I'd strive for without that desire. I want to master my trade and my life, and I want that acknowledgement from others. I want to be good.
Since there are in fact things I want - to experience, to achieve, to acquire - I can throw away the self-pity and the indifference that I have chained myself with. Every morning when I wake up, I have to ask myself what I want and why I should wake up. I have to be determined. Every night when I go to bed, I have to look back with open eyes and see what I did with my time and my resources. Because the direction I'm headed ends in my misery. Even now I am miserable. But I have so much before me, so many opportunities now. Welll, realistically speaking, maybe I should be careful with that kind of language... but I can say with certainty that there's nothing here for me.
I think I get tangled up in doubts and fears and what-ifs. I want to have all the answers now, before I take any steps or any chances. But that's not for me. What answers have I found in this time?
None that puts and end to my doubts.




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