LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-07-10 19:58:07 (UTC)

Lady how the hell do i know who you are or i am or anyone is?


July 10, 2017 Monday 8:58 PM


I'm reading a sketchbook I started towards the end of 10th grade. I guess I started it on March 5th, 2015??? Which also happens to be around the time Elise died. But I didn't find out about that until April 12th, the end of spring break. That kind of stuff gets seared into your memories, a bold point on my timeline.

Anyway.

I'm looking at all the cool drawings and funny little notes I made back then. I love going through the book so far... It's like going through someone else's life, almost, except for, y'know. It's mine. But it doesn't feel like mine anymore. I can't lay claim on these drawings, I can't say I did them, I can't say I had these thoughts. This belonged to my 15/16 year old self. It has been 2 years. Not mine, not mine.

I can see on the first couple pages that I still liked memorizing things. Of course I did, though. I always have.

It says, over and over again, "1958, 1958, 1958," and then "Brest-Listousk." My past self knew what the fuck that meant but I had to google it, I had to find out that what I really meant was the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, which happened in 1918, not 1958. The 1958's must have been referring to something else, probably to do with China. There's some related writing below which says, "Guomindang,
Sun Yixion"

And then, "20 million dead"

"1966 Cultural Rev
1966 1966"

That was our communism unit.
-----

Some pages are kind of cool. I used to draw with these really nice Micron pens (I still have them, but they're seldom used) and I remember earlier that year I bought a couple colored pencils with multicolored lead from Woodstock (I went with Lily. That was a good day). I used it a lot. It had yellow, green, blue, and red.

One page is full of beautiful pen scribbles, the whole form round kinda looking like a spiderweb, in which I used the multicolored pencil to write, "yes, I agree!!!"

No idea what I had been thinking, haha.

The next page is all, "Feel better feel better feel better feel better feel better" and it goes on like that for a good chunk.
--

OTHER RANDOM THINGS I WROTE IN THAT NOTEBOOK (maybe these words are mine, maybe they belong to a song or poem I read back then):

"THE WORLD IS NOT AGAINST ME
so what is in my hands"

Oh, and on the other side of that page: "what is in my hands/ what is in my hands"

"Me: temperamental
likes chewing on the ends of pens
Is fidgety
trust issues for some reason idk
Is angry and happy at the same time
Is starting to wonder if any of this is even true..."

"Me: *tries so hard not to express my love in a cheesy way*
*does the opposite*
*is grossed out by self*"

"Earlier someone said something like
'she acts like she's always being filmed'
It wasn't about me but ???
I almost get it because I always
feel on display.... like someone is
always watching me. Like nothing
I do is private so I must, must, must
always be acting like I'm alright and
if I'm not alright, pretend I'm tired!
No one cares anyway, haha. I don't
mean that in a bitter
way. It's just that *scribbled out word*
I've learned that if you're
the way
that I am, it's
hard to care all
the time. It's fine,
though, *scribble* I
can rely on
myself and I
think it's too late to learn any other way."

(Current me @mypastself. It's not too late for anyhting???? You're so dramatic dude???? AM I STILL DRAMATIC? I think so haha...)

"Today's mystery flavor:
the slightly bitter, nervous
taste of saliva
when thinking of
hypothetical losses"

(I love all these lists that I don't understand. Why did I write them? What are they fooooor?)

"-abstract backgrounds??????
-Focus plz
-FOCUS UGH
-ok ok
-orange
-no
-ok
-I have nothing else??"

(these lists interspersed with drawings kinda remind me of A Night In The Woods, actually. Mae draws stuff in her journal all the time and it's so cute and this was basically me back in the day)

"How long does it take to get over your own death?"
(Not sure what this refers toooo??)

"KILL
IT
KILL
IT
KILL
IT

IT IS IN MY HEAD"

Hah, god I love my angsty doodles.

"relationships are kind of gross
and scary and why do I ever
try to love people up close???"

These are still my thoughts lol.

"March 12, 2015 Thursday 10:48 AM
I had a dream I was at a aparty in a room that was mostly water.
I ate pineapple and a squid held my trust??? I couldn't breathe but he didn't drown
me. Thx."

I remember this dream. Or, actually, I remember remembering it, so I remember the memory of the dream but... ok ok I'll shut uppp.

A QUOTE FROM BUKOWSKI:

"Old ladies standing in halls, up
and down the streets, asking the
question as if they were
one person with one voice:
'Mailman, you got any mail for me?'
And you felt like screaming,
'Lady, how the HELL do I know
who YOU are or I am or
anybody is?'"

On this same page is a doodle of a bike speeding along, with a speech bubble leading from the handles that says, "I be gettin' away"
And a picture of someone who looks sort of like me but not looking off to the side
and the word "hearse" in all caps
And two different apple drawings, one in pencil and one in pen. Under the one in pencil, in all caps, I wrote, "I AM VERY CONCERNED"

----

A note I wrote:

"why are they so offended
by the fact that I ask questions?
This is an age of sensitivity.
I sound like an old lady."

---

"3/30/15
Dream: I thought it was real life. Monsters, etc. I killed
them. Raining red sky. Invited [Olivia] over.
'Twas insane.

[either a 3 or a 7... probably a 3]/29/15
Dream: Skating on water. Purple hallway with
many doors. Each went somewhere else. Tried running
away. Leash around my waist. Yanked. So much pain."

(Fittingly, I'm listening to Hotel California rn)

"3/30/15

The thing about [Aaron]
is that as anxious as she was,
she was still the most social. When she left,
even before that, when it was freshman
year, the friend group was connected by her.
That's my perception.
Anyway, it's now down
to [Laney], me, and [Lily]
and we all have our
other friends. :/ I miss
having somewhere to go in the
mornings."

"IS NOTRE A FANCY WORD?"

"Pens are easier to draw with"

---
"5/20/15 Dream
lucid dreamt
girl came up to me
said, 'I followed you
home yesterday. You don't
do much.'
I tried willing flip flops to
appear on my feet. Dad looked
at me, said, 'you look constipated' haha
Giorgian burst in? he goes, 'do you
girls* like your feet?'
We were all, 'uh...' maybe someone
said, 'no'
He was mad, 'bcuz my gf doesn't
like her feet and all women should
be able to love their feet!'
Still not as weird as the time I
dreamt Jared in a dress and [Adrian] trying
on shirts from the back of a van???
--
*girls: me, [Laney], some vague faceless ppl"

-----

"Is 'dreamt' a Shakespearian word?
I prefer it to dreamed"

"O L D M A N H A N D S"

"Remember when dad thought you were gay?"

---

OK that's enough haha. I'm gonna keep going through this thing. I think I'll buy a new notebook and start doing this sketch journal thing again. A little time capsule for my future self.

The world is beautiful and it makes me want to explOODe.


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