Life can be strange. Often it doesn't take us where we had intended to go, and very frequently it can get quite dark. I've tried my best to be diligent, to identify what the obstacles are, and try to overcome them, but sometimes the biggest obstacles are not easy to identify when they are yourself.
I've unintentionally gotten into the habit of isolating myself from others so I don't bring them down. "Misery loves company" is not very accurate, since company hates the miserable, and the miserable tend to want to be alone in it. I'm not sure exactly when or where the reflex to be this way started, or if it had good intention behind it, but I do know some of the people who are the kindest, and bravest, souls I've encountered were affected.
Point in case - a friend from New York I met right here on this site, Alex, reached out to me back when I first started keeping a diary. I was going through a very dark time, coping with everything from a bad medical situation to an incurably broken heart. She didn't have to reach out to a complete stranger, but she did. In my books that is both brave and kind. Over the years, periodically catching up on occasion, and maybe it wasn't that big a deal to her, but it was a light in my life that I never did properly show respect for - and I'm a little ashamed of that.
I had to come out of this darkness a little to even realize how long I've been neglecting showing appreciation. In my own dark way I suppose I thought keeping a Facebook contact as "friend" was showing how I felt, but that isn't really showing respect at all. I should have kept in much more regular contact so I could also have been there more for her. For that I am sorry. Truly sorry - I know no one better and I really didn't fulfill my side of the friendship the way I feel I should have.
I'm not trying to make excuses, but I am trying to change that if she will let me.