2017-07-09 19:45:52 (UTC)

Achievement Unlocked: Zima Tastes Good

"Blue Light" by Mazzy Star

There's a blue light
In my best friend's room
There's a blue light
In his eyes
There's a blue light
I want to see it

July 9, 2017 Sunday 8:47 PM

Lately, I've been playing a lot of A Night In The Woods. I love that gave. I love the colors, love the story, love the dialogue. It makes my chest ache because it simultaneously reminds me of myself and my sister and every other person I've ever met, just because it's so tragic and happy in its humanity??? Like, the situations are so Real so far, the characters as easily irritated and bitter as actual people. Love it, love it, love it, ahhh.

Well, OK, people. It has been one week since my last entry. There isn't that much to tell??? I didn't do a lot last week. I don't think I did ANYTHING on Monday, but I went hiking on the morning of July 4th with Lily and Laney. Laney and I did most of the talking. Lily was either tired or just quiet. She is often quiet. The most reserved person I've ever met, really, which strikes me as so odd, because not many people in my world are quiet through-and-through. I can be quiet, and I often am, but I also talk a lot when I get excited or when I'm around people I've comfortable enough with.

Lily is just silent. A girl of few words. It's not that she never talks, and it's not like her sentences are unusually concise—she just doesn't say very much. Some comments here and there, but mostly, all I get from her is a persistent kindness and a sense that there's some sadness deep down, but not enough to mean anything other than that she is Wise. For now.

Lily seems happy enough. She is old. She's only 18, but she is old.

Sandwich said it best when he said Lily struck him as someone who had already grown up. She walks and talks like someone who has been an adult for years. I repeated this to Lily and she was very flattered, which made me happy because Lily deserves all the happiness the universe has to offer.


Oh, right. For July 4th, I went to some rich people's house with my sister. It was on a fancy cul de sac out in the more rural areas of Upstate New York (not hard to find those lol). There were these mansions all around the circle, set far back from the road, huuuge. One of them had a winding driveway leading up a steep hill. It just looked down on the entire world, all modern and lit with orange-y lights, warm. The house we went to was set back into a patch of trees. It was also beautiful.

Caroline and I were invited to the house by our down-the-street neighbor, who is best friends with the owner. Our neighbor is this lady I will call Lena, and my sister is lifelong friends with her daughter Sid. I was friends with Sid's little brother, Jake. Jake used to have a speech impediment and he was autistic, I guess. I remember my nickname became "Ronks" because of Jake. He couldn't pronounce it right—he always called me, "Verunka," which led my sister's friends (Caroline, Sid, and Steph—all of which are still friends today) to just call me Ronks. It's an ugly name, but it holds sentimental value, u feel???

Jake used to have the coolest toys. God, he had like all the hot wheels and these weird action figures and thousands of legos and, just, soooo many boxes upon boxes of toyyyys. And Hess trucks! I've always admired car toys, but I had very few of them. I still have one in my room right now. It's an orange car with two blue stripes down the middle. I was never interested in the names of cars and stuff. I just liked mimicking traffic haha.

Well, yeah, anyway. Jake went to a special school for awhile meant to help kids with problems (such as, but not limited to, autism) become functional (and mentally healthy AKA content) adults. So even though he's my age, he's a year behind me. He doesn't have a speech impediment anymore and he is, as far as I know, happy and healthy! He seems like he'd be a popular kid at school. I mean, he's super outgoing and he plays basketball and just. It reminds me of The Popular Kids.

Stephen, from last entry (I called him Steph but I also called Stephanie Steph soooo... confusing, idk), used to go to high school or middle school with Jake. Stephen's a year younger than me too. But anyway, Stephen didn't like Jake, apparently Jake was mean haha. Hopefully that's not the case anymore.

THE FOOD AT THE RICH PEOPLE'S HOUSE WAS GOOD (it wasn't rich people food, if u were wondering, haha. Just regular July 4th stuff—hot dogs and potato salad, the works). AND EVERYONE WAS NICE. LENA IS A REALLY FUNNY LADY AND SHE LOVES IKEA. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE ME FOR DORM SHOPPING. It was pleasant.

Although, to be honest, seeing Caroline made me a little sad. My sister is struggling people. She's moving back in soon (long story, but it's not for any bad reasons).


I got into this Brown orientation program that requires me to move in halfway through August, so my summer is now two weeks shorter. This is okay, I'm excited!

Went to therapy for the last time. This is probably only my, like, fourth appointment this year. I went more regularly at the beginning of 2017, but it kind of petered off starting March and then I just didn't see her all throughout the end of April all the way up until last week. Luckily, therapy has mostly been me checking in with Pat.

Talking to her made me realize that I've been doing pretty well lately. I've been socializing, like, a LOT. And I do a lot of normal teenager stuff now too, whereas I used to be a hermit all the time. Does this mean I have more energy?? Or is it because I've been living by the phrase, "Why not?"

She said she is proud of me.


I went to the drive-ins with Chris on Friday. We saw Spiderman Homecoming. It was fun just to see Chris again! I dunno, I didn't expect to keep in contact with any New Visions friends, but so far I've been talking to both Chris and Wallace pretty regularly.

As always, Chris is an asshole (in a very Gross Teenage Boy way, lol), but it doesn't bother me and plus he bought me M&Ms (which I've just realized are still in my purse, WOOOT!), a milkshake, and popcorn!!!!!! Plus, we got to make fun of the movie the whole way through, which is always great, and I remember that night the moon was shining soooo bright. I love the moon, love it love it love it, god I love life.


On Saturday, I was supposed to go to Gillian's grad party but I found out Laney wasn't going and so I kinda just ditched it. I mean, Lily went but so did her best friend Marina and just. They're not really my crowd. Lily, Gillian, Marina, and Gillian's best friend are all really beautiful and they play beer pong when they're together, so on. I didn't think I felt up to getting drunk, and plus I've been feeling really tired and dull these past few days (I think A Night In The Woods has been sucking the personality out of me haha) and I just couldn't find it in myself to fake it. I would've been uncomfortable, is what experience tells me.

As it happened, Adrian invited me to his mom's 50th birthday, where they had mini hot dogs!!!!

(Oops, I accidentally just posted this entry and I wasn't even done haha)

Later on, Adrian and I ended up getting tipsy. He swiped alcohol from the drinks table. At first, it was just alcoholic seltzer (5%). I chugged about half of that which got me dizzy fast. Adrian chugged the whole thing and claimed he was drunk, stumbling all over the place. I'm still not sure I believe he was THAT drunk, but he wasn't sober, haha. After that, we shared a Zima. It turns out Zima is realllllly good! Adrian stole a couple more for his alcohol stash (I don't know how often he gets drunk, but enough so that this kind of sneaking drinks thing is a regular activity).

Yeah, so, all tipsy, we talked, I stole his baseball cap (a jean-ish type material with an embroidered skull and cross bones on the front—he let me keep it), we played ping pong in the basement while on our knees, he told me he's into bondage (I said, "I'm not surprised but wow."), etc. Adrian kept paying me compliments, which wasn't exactly weird, but I don't know how I should feel about it.

How I DO feel about it: I liked it.

What girl doesn't like when a dude says she looks nice or she looks good in his hat??? (I did look good in the hat, thank u very much)
He also said I'm a lot of fun to drink with because I laugh a lot. Which I do. I'm a happy drunk/tipsy, which I'm so thankful for, although alcohol does give me headaches a lot of the time. While I'm drinking, I mean. I almost never get headaches during hangovers, just a lot of nausea, lolsllslsls.

After we were tired of playing ping pong, Adrian and I went up to his room and watched Adventure Time: Stakes, broooo. Our legs were all wrapped together, because that always happens when our bodies are in close proximity to each other. I kept my face hidden enough that he never had a chance to kiss me. Not that I think he would've—but I was still paranoid and his face was too close to mine. I didn't want it to happen because I'm not sure how I'd react. I know for sure I'd feel a lot of SHAAAME afterwards, because I always get that feeling after doing anything romantic/sexual. It's kind of fucked up, actually. But it happens and I'd rather avoid it, so.

Anyway, the whole night was pretty fun. I don't think I've ever hung out with just Adrian before, not outside of school at least. I liked it. :3 It was kind of awkward when his 7 year old sister kept singing "ADRIAN'S ON A DAAATE, ADRIAN'S GONNA KISS HEERRRR, ADRIAN'S GONNA GET MAAAARRIED."

Oh, and also, when Adrian told me that when his grandma found out I was still at his house (I was there til like midnight), she said, "Ohhh that's special. I know the history between you two."

Shipping us????

Even Alexis ships us a little even though she knows I don't like him that way. Because we would be cute together. Which is true, but not possible.

I don't actually mind too much. As long as it's not causing any harm, right?


I hope Liv is OK. Yesterday, she texted me something about how she was feeling sort of depressed, which given what her year has been like, is understandable. First of all, she's kind of been bullied and betrayed by people who were supposed to be her friends (this doesn't ever happen to me because I am not as loving/forgiving as Liv—not saying it's her fault. I'm saying sometimes she is too good for the world she is in). Also, school's been kind of shitty, especially because Liv has also been working two jobs so she can help pay the bills. Annnnd this whole year she's had to take the city bus to school, which takes over an hour daily. That means she usually never gets home before 5 PM and she wakes up at like 5:30 AM I think??

Liv didn't do well on her AP exams and she got a horrible grade on her physics exam. So she's kind of down in the dumps. I've noticed that lately, she makes a lot of jokes about her being dumb or people being too smart. Like, she kept joking today that I was using a lot of big words (which, I wasn't. The word was "expel" lol, because she burped so hard I told her I thought she was gonna fuckin' expel her lungs or whatever. I'm not even sure my sentence makes sense, though. Can you expel lungs or can you only expel things from the lungs???).

So Liv has sort of lost faith in her intelligence and she's overwhelmed by both summer homework, her biotech internship camp, and work. The poor girl is burnt out. I'm worried about her, but I'm not sure how to help.

Liv is sad right now, in a bad place, and I just. Yeah. What do I do?


I had more to write but this is already long sooooo bye. Also, sorry. Sorry for my ranty existence.