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2017-07-03 20:52:17 (UTC)

Week 1 of Self Discovery

My sister told me that writing was therapeutic, I guess we will see huh? I'm going to use these entries as ways to write down all my feelings and thoughts, both of which I never share with anyone. I'm making this public so anyone can read it and if anyone is reading it I just want to thank you. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, my fears, my struggles with you and I hope by the end of all this, you too will have been inspired to discover yourself and then share that self with others. I also hope by the end of this you wont think I am a ratchet mess who needs hours of prayer and to bath daily in holy water. Nevertheless, here we go. Sometimes I sit back and wonder, how I got so lost and where did I start to wonder away. I guess I imagine life as a store, and I am a child and my mother told me to stay here, near the chips and that she would be right back, and I didn't listen. I thought I could wonder away and be able to get back in time to meet my mom but I got lost. I overestimated my abilities and now I have to find my way back home. But how when I am just a child? Why did I ever leave? Why did I ever like I could make it on my own? I like to think that it all started with my first, not my first love because I believe love is natural, it's warm, it's enduring, not perfect because nothing in nature is but all storms have a purpose in love. LOVE IS NOT TOXIC! And everything about me and him was toxic. I meet him when I was 16, you know the age where you think you know everything but you really dont know shit. Yes that age. We were friends at first, nothing more, I was 16 and he was 20. And something about him made me trust him. Made me open up to him. Made me love him. Our conversations became longer and longer and more frequent. Most was filled with laughs, love, secrets, trust, all the things that a girl wants. He was becoming my best friend......Months went by, he told me he had feelings for me. I was shocked! Me, awkward ole me. But what about us being best friends, he reassured me , we would always be best friends and life continued as normal. It took no time for me to began to develop feelings, maybe feelings that was already there but his confession gave them the green light to show themselves. I was head over heels for him and I would do anything to keep him and to keep us as "happy" as we were. Being so head over heels and being 16 meant I had a lot of hormones, hormones that I never really addressed because I never trusted anyone enough. I told him about the endless throbbing in my pants and how " she " yearned for him in ways that I knew nothing about really. Yes I knew what sex was, even kissed and stuff before but I never really though about losing my virginity until him. I trusted him, I thought he could do no wrong and I no longer wanted to be a "child" so one summer day I asked him to have sex with me he said the next time I see you I will. I met up with him by using the oh so famous cover story " going to the movies with my friends. See you later mom". And I did go to the movies but only to meet him. We stuck off in his car together and by his car I mean his mothers van. He kissed me and touched me all over as he often did. And started to remove my panties. I was nervous , he could tell , but he told me I could trust him and that he would never hurt me so that's what I did. I'm not gonna include any glory details of my first experience just know after I was so happy, I kissed him, I told him I loved him. I told him to never leave me, he said he wouldn't dare. I happily snuggled into his arms too young to realize the major decision I had made. Time goes by, and here we are two weeks later. He seemed to be acting different. He was distant and distracted. I was worried....I was starting to think he didn't want me anymore. I talked to him about it. He said I was different too! He said I didn't show him attention like I use too. That I was distant not him! That it was my fault! That I didn't love him the same, or treat him the same. He said I should be with someone else and that he should be with someone else. That he never meant for this to happen. And that he didn't want me anymore. He sent me all of this through a message.... I instantly began to cry. I called him so many times, he wouldnt answer, said it was better this way. I cried for hours. I almost got sick and threw up I was crying so hard. I laid on the floor next to the toilet and cried even hardier. My phone begun to ring. It was him! He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean any of it. He was just scared. I told him I was scared too. He knew I had been crying, he could hear it in my voice. I told him I loved him and to never leave me again.. He said he wouldn't and that he meant it this time. I smiled and talked to him till I fell asleep on the phone, my last words to him being I love you......Who knew this was just the beginning of the sick mind games he would play.....