Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2017-07-02 12:13:39 (UTC)

5 hours

Yesterday evening i didn't have plans, so I sort of put together a "movie night" with some friends. Sarah was like "Okay, sure." i was about to ask some of my other friends when another volleyball friend, Andrew, texted me: "You want to go to the bars tonight?"
Me: "Sorry already made some movie plans, but if they fall through i might be able to join ya"
Him: "Wait what...?? Is this with the same girl [sarah]?? You need to fill me in Jake."
Me: "Lol, yeah..."
Me: "We've been hanging out. Still not into her, just friends."
Him: "Man... you should just come out with me, because you can do better. Nothing against her but you don't seem interested haha."

So I bailed on Sarah. I can be such a gullible person, Andrew said i could do better so i believed him. I didn't really know Andrew THAT well, but we just kept talking, talking wayyy into the night. We left the bar at 12 then talked till 3 at his place. Five hour long conversation. We talked about volleyball, we talked about our volleyball friends, we talked about life... We talked about Christianity, politics. Everything. We also talked about values. This was when I realized how similar me and Andrew were. He's a Korean American and family is very important for him. Marriage was something he saw in his future life. To have babies, to raise a family. Most people shy away from talking about that stuff. That was the longest, deepest conversation I've had lately. By midnight the bar was closing, we WAYYYY overstayed our visit, we bought 1 drink and stayed there for almost 3 hours.


Later at Andrews place the conversation shifted to girls. Andrew kept pushing me and telling me that I should date Alex (the girl on our volleyball team). We talked about Alex for a long time, probably at least an hour, crazy considering the fact that we didn't know her that well. We analyzed the texts she sent us and tried to figure out what she was thinking. Andrew literally read through all my texts with her, he was like: "I'm pretty sure she's into you, why would she keep initiating conversations, she never did that with me." Then I'd look through his texts and try to contrast. So much analysis over one girl lol. I expressed my concerns in that she didn't seem that interested in me when we physically were hanging out and that she wasn't giving any hints or anything for me to work with. I sort of mentioned Kim (another girl both of us know), andrew kept steering me away from her for some reason. Kim is very expressive with her emotions, for example, she's easy to flirt with. I can say something, smile or make a facial expression while looking at her and she'll "get it" and smile back. Whereas Alex is more... hmm.... she's harder to read. Andrew is really good at wording things, but he was saying that it was the girls like Alex, because they're more reserved, that makes them better in the long run -- something like that. I'm really hesitant i guess about Alex. She's REALLY attractive. Like, way out of my league (or so i think). That might be why I'm so nervous around her?? She's a transfer student so she doesn't have any friends so like... this is my golden opportunity.


We talked about our problems, I mentioned some of my problems when it came to girls. In particular, i have a hard time being myself and comfortable around girls I'm attracted to. I get tense when I'm around a girl I like. I become a different person, a polished, proper, nice guy. But... as that different person it's almost impossible for me to be creative, to have fun, be goofy etc. It's really only when I know somebody well that I can start to bring down my defenses. When I'm myself I don't worry about what other people think so i can just do what i like and feels natural. That might be why Sarah is so attracted to me... weirdly... she's attracted to me because I'm not attracted to her. Because I'm not trying to impress her, I can be myself. Everyone says: "Ohh, just be yourself." The thing is, I know that!!! But you can't consciously be yourself by trying hard enough, it doesn't work that way. Being yourself is by very definition, NOT trying to be yourself -- it's just who you are. It's like if I were to say: "Don't think about sheep." It's impossible for you not to think about sheep. The same is with being yourself, when you try to be yourself you can't be yourself. Pretty obvious I guess but I never thought about it that way.

but yeah, it was a 5 hour conversation that I'll never forget. Finding people like Andrew seem so, so rare. In pop culture marriage, dating, being responsible aren't things that you hear much. A lot of pop songs just focus on hook ups. Like... the most popular songs right now: "Despacito" is all about picking up a girl to have sex (slowly of course), then there's "Shape of you" which, again, is about hooking up with a girl you met at a bar to have sex. Bruno mars' "that's what i like" again... it's not about the struggles of this world, it's not about responsibility, it's not about making good choices, instead, it's about buying a girl with gifts. Even the first line is like: Hey, i got a condo in Manhattan, come, your ass is invited.

I guess not all songs are cheap like that. I really like James Authur's: "Say you won't let go" which is actually about love, not just attraction and sex. It's deeper. One of the lines is: "you made me feel as though, i was enough". And that's something I dream of. I want to be able to take on the traditional role as a guy. I want to be able to take care of a family, not just see them happy and safe, but also to know they're growing up with strong morals and that they will have a strong future. Being enough is also just a general thing that I desire. Like, with Alex, I don't see how I can be that man for her. I don't have all the experience that she does, I don't have that. It sucks. I'm learning, but I still don't know how to talk to girls, it makes it even harder when it's really attractive girls like Alex.

Another thing that came up was honor and shame. Andrew came from a Korean background, his family wasn't rich, they sacrificed everything to send their son to America. Andrew realized this and wanted to give back, he wanted to make his father and mother proud. So that's why he works so hard, that's why he wants to be such a responsible person, he feels pressured by his family -- in a good way.

I could keep going on and on, but... i have a few things to do today. I gotta run slow 5k (easy, casual run), then practice some volleyball. I wanna get good at volleyball :p. Oh yeah, then there's this other girl, Mi, who wants me to help her with math. Since I didn't have any plans I agreed.




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