in need of a tourniquet
"Save Me" by Aimee Mann
You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet
But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
July 2, 2017 Sunday 2:50 AM
There was a moment, on Friday, when I had to get away from all the people, y'know. Into a space by myself. Only there was no space in which I could have been by myself because I was at a party, just big enough to be fun but too small to leave without being noticed. I managed to sit for a couple minutes and Liv was all, stop moping because it draws attention to yourself—which, I know. Her saying that kind of made me mildly sad though? Or, I guess disappointed.
The other day, I was talking to my cousin Des—she was visiting—about some of my writing. Des (14 yo, rising high school freshman) wants to be an author so as I was editing a story she is working on (she is a good writer), she was reading my stuff. One of my stories is about a kid who finds his cousins dead body (suicide, bro) when he comes home from school, and when she asked me why I wrote it, I explained that I had wanted to describe post-death numbness in people who are close to the victim or whatever. And then I also added that I wanted to write a bit about depression. But the ugly bits—not the part where the guy tells the girl that she has no idea how beautiful she is, not the part where he kisses her scars or whatever gross shit, not the part where she sits there catatonic staring at the wall, not where she doesn't eat and gets all thin but not thin enough to be scary.
The ugly part is where the depression spreads past the afflicted person. It hurts people. You hurt people.
In the end, a person is forced to realize that no one can really care in the way you want them to care.
People with problems want to be saved, but nah. No one can do that for you. And they can't put up with you forever, even if it's "not your fault." No one can endure that. I mean, I sorta tried with Isaac. What a sad human being. He is going to be fine. Oh, but he made me sad with his lackluster existence. How can you be on the earth and fail to see the beauty? That's a dumb question 'cause I know exactly how, but I still feel somehow that I found a key somewhere along the way, somethin' to keep me tethered, which is that everything outside myself is Fine, Fine, Fine.
I've been tired for three hours and have not gone to sleep. It is exactly 3 AM right now. 'ope, it's 3:01, ne'ermind.
I was writing and then I was drawing and now I am writing again. Three hours.
I have been around people almost nonstop for like a week now. It's finally over, but asdfghl it was exhausting. My Colorado cousins were visiting. I love them a lot, but I just sorta suck 'cause my body slowly just. Dies. All energy seeps out. Seeps out, out, out. Extremely introverted, is what I am, and it can be kind of annoying.
Which is why Adrian's party on Friday was a mix of shitty and fun. In the end, I was feeling pretty good and I invited Liv and Adrian to my house for a sleepover. This kid Steph ended up coming too, which annoyed me at first because he invited himself (very insistently, nooot getting the hint or else not caring lol. I don't think he wanted to go home. He hates his house). Liv was annoyed with Steph's presence, so she went straight to sleep, but Adrian, Steph, and I stayed up until 5 AM walking around my neighborhood and then watching some videos of people playing A Night In The Woods, lol. That game is soO cute.
The party, meh. I have mixed feelings towards Adrian once again. I mean, his ex-girlfriend was at the party and I don't like her. I want to say it's a judgement based on reasoning (which would make sense because no one in my friend group—which is generally very accepting—liked her bc she is toxic as heeeellll. Seriously, I've never met another person who sooo fetishizes depression and angst and shit... god...).
Um, but nah, I disliked this girl from the moment I saw her last year. Out of jealously, partly. She is beautiful and tiny. And also because she seemed fake as hell. This is supported by the mounting evidence, lol. Later, I was sort of jealous 'cause she had alll of Adrian's affections. But it's weird to want his affections.
I convince myself, sometimes, that he just loves me (using the term love loosely, just bc I don't want to be all "like-like" and I don't want to say crush a million times okay) unconditionally, but that's not true. I think he probably stopped liking me so much when I was mean to him a couple months ago, lol.
Kay says he's sensitive so she doesn't care about hurting his feelings. I agree he's super sensitive. But if I were him, I think I'd be the same. Imagine being so prone to mistakes, so forgetful, so unsure of yourself. I'm not really... any of those things. Not beyond the norm. I am very, very sure of myself in a lot of ways. In others, not so much, but in the ways that count okay???!?!?
Wait, how did I get here? rrrewind: I dislike the ex-girlfriend. Not because she is manipulative, not because she was a horrible influence on Adrian while they were dating, not for any of the good reasons (although those help a lot). I'm just totes jealous of her life and talent (? it looks like she has talent but I'm not sure she actually does. It might just be that she goes to a fancy private boarding skwl lol) and her hold on Adrian.
Yuuuughh. Gross. Euuggh. No.
I can't imagine ever dating Adrian. I can't imagine ever wanting to! Which is why it's really shitty that I feel so possessive of him??? I don't want to be like that?? I'm not sure of the best course of action from here. I'm worried that, subconsciously, I will do what I can to keep him on the hook even though I'd never date him. So maybe I should... stay far away from him?
Lol, nah. He's my friend. I like hanging out with him.
Not right now. Being around him for so long got on my nerves—god, he's such a phony. And such a child in a lot of ways. A lot of not-very-charming ways. But anyway. He's my friend. He irritates me more than any other friend I've ever had but god damn it, I trust myself enough to know that this is troo frendship.
Ah, writing about that was sort of a relief. I hope it will purge me of the urge to just. Be mean to him. It's so easy to be mean to him (not 'cause I want to hurt him, exactly, but because he makes me furious with his slanted????? way of talking???? which is to say he's, like. All over the place, where is truth where is lie, who knows.)
Oh man, in general I am just annoyed with things. I should sleep it off. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
I think I've been writing lots of angsty entries lately, but I'd like to say I am OK. I am struggling a bit to adjust to summer life. I have been regularly missing the Lexapro (meds), which is bad because those actually WORK, whereas the Wellbutrin does NOOOT. Anyway. Yeah, so, I'm struggling a little with some bad feelings, but otherwise I am very okay and the world is beautiful and I swam in the creek today. It was lovely.
I wish I could just sorta tear off my skin. There is a deep-seated hate in there, something you've gotta dig out with your bare fingers. Can't try to squeeze it through, bro, it'll just go in furuuurururther.
Time to go watch Gravity Falls until I fall asleep.
Whenever I feel bad, I get impatient because I know it'll slink away soon enough. But it takes a long time sometimes and of course, this means it is my fault.
Where is my brain right now? What am I doing? GRA-VIT-Y FALLALSLSLSL. Okay self??! Okay.