Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2017-06-25 13:37:09 (UTC)

Ughhhhh feeling like an idiot

Today I was shopping at my favorite grocery store; Aldi's. Anyway, I'm getting my office food stuffs (canned fruit cocktails, chocolate milk, yogurt, drinks, etc) and I walk right past this girl, I didn't even really look at her. I keep walking and grab some flavored water. I hear a "heyy" I turn and there's Alex standing there, looking amazing. She completely caught me off guard, I didn't really know what to say: "heyyy Alex, shopping at Aldi's eh? Aldi's is my favorite!!" She looks straight at me and says, yeah, I'm here with Kim. Lol! The girl I completely ignored was KIM!!! Ughhhhhhhhh. How did I not recognize her??? So awkward. I made the worst fool of myself right in front of the two girls of my dreams. I felt terrible. I should have started a conversation, asked what was up. Nope. Just hi then walked off to finish shopping. It was perhaps even more awkward shopping by myself right ahead of them, I remember I was getting some yogurt so I had to turn back and grab it, me and Kim's eyes caught, she smiled. But ahhhhh, idk. It just felt really awkward because i didn't say anything. Look at me, just falling head over heels for her and then when I see her i can't talk or have the courage to ask her out. -.-


Now they probably think I'm such a loner for almost completely ignoring them. I play volleyball with Alex on Thursday, she's on my team, I should have said something. I was just so, so uncomfortable the whole time :(. Crushes have that power hah. When I'm around them I always feel tense, I hate it.

This morning at church was pretty amazing. I teach the 2nd graders. We were singing a song and OMG all the little kids singing is the cutest thing. They were shouting the verses: "I got an attitude of gratitude, ya ya ya..." and it was probably the most beautiful thing I've heard this year. :'-)

This month has probably been one of my happiest of my life. Everyone is like: "How's life?" and I can honestly say: "It's been amazing." Really. God has blessed me in so many ways, the friends I've gained just this month, the chance to reconnect with my family, the chance to see the splendor of God's creation. I'm almost tearing up right now just thinking of the memories I've made and can share with others. I suppose all of this enjoyment in some ways can distract me from my true goals in life.


I have flirted with life's pleasures so much. I still haven't had a true girlfriend, I still haven't had a real, normal stable job, I still haven't loved any person, I still haven't ran that marathon, I still haven't won any volleyball tornaments, I still haven't proven myself to my boss, I still haven't gotten my PhD. There's so many things in life that I have no knowledge of... *sigh* I'm not bitter though about any of it. I've actually never had real anxiety or depression. I've always lived life in joy. I've always seen life from a light perspective. The bible says "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks always." So I try to live like that. Be glad of the life you have, don't be upset about how messed up your childhood was, that's the past, look forward to the future with determination and will.


I've gained so much respect for mothers raising kids. I really respect the work and effort they put into it, it makes me want to help them any way I can. In my apartment, my apartment building has about 6 kids under the age of 10 that always run around in the parking lot with various toys. The mothers quickly became friends and many times they'll sit there while their kids play. They always apologize every time I drive in or something because their kids are everywhere, some people might get angry but that's so stupid. I have so much respect, it's such an honorable thing, to raise our future right. I always try to give them any kudos I can. It's difficult since I can't really relate, but nonetheless, actually seeing the kids changes so much. It's sad that our culture doesn't respect mothers as much as we should. I mean, it's HARD to raise kids.

well i should get back to work.




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