Vanilla

Paranoia

I am way too paranoid to be in a relationship
I am way too torn and broken
I am way too insecure
and its the fucking truth
because I cannot even really give Riaz a chance, Im talking to him as if he isnt going to get me but he fucking will.
Like they all do.
Im too insecure for that shit
I strive for the things that I cannot have
and again it goes straight back to my fucking father
i NEED to get over this. I NEED to find peace. I NEED to believe that...there is hope. But i just cant.
He is hiding something I just know it...and im slowly falling into this fake comfort with him....if he is playing me i will fuck him over.
I wont stop anymore.
But its that damn sinking feeling which drives me insane. I dont know why its always so strong,
I got it today...I got it as I went through his fb...I HATE that i am like this now.
Am i paranoid or am I sane?
I cant even tell anymore...i cant tell whats real and what is fake.
I dont trust him.
But if i dont trust him how will i trust anyone?....everyone is always out to get me.

I need to look myself in the mirror and tell myself i am stronger than this.

I think...it is better that i stay alone. I cant handle this...lol i think i have PTSD...a relationship is a trigger for me.
Thats possibly one of the biggest breakthroughs ive ever had. I have PTSD...from everything.
Everytime i get close to someone...i feel like i am drowning and sinking...i feel insecure, paranoid, pain. I always feel pain...even though that person isnt currently hurting me.
And i remember things...i remember my father...it always goes back to him....i remember everything that happened after him but i can never recall the days and months during and after his death. Its been completely erased from my memory.
I need someone to see that
I need them to see me and not judge me and not take advantage of me and not hurt me.
I need to be vulnerable, I need to feel like i can let my guard down without someone abusing me or raping the very essence of my soul.
I am incapable of being loved...that is how i feel...that i am really only useful for that...but i know logically, rationally it is not true.
But i am so damaged that I act that way...i am unique..as they say i am, because i am so severely damaged but so fucking sane. Its a curse...i feel...EVERYTHING. absolutely everything and it overwhelms me.

I am so damaged that everytime someone walks into my life...it triggers a response...and brings my PTSD to the surface so all I can do is stay away...from falling in love, or loving someone or even thinking of being with them.

Its like...i can only cope when i am alone. Help me...Riaz be the one that helps me...get me out of this...be that guy. Dont turn out like all of them...just dont...dont break any more of me because i dont think i could take anymore.
i am human and i need to be loved regardless of how much i try to deny myself it. Regardless of how much i promise myself that i will not love when my very nature is to love, to care, to feel empathy, because like i said I FEEL EVERYTHING. And i know that I am one of those human beings who feel compassion and it shakes from within me because i do feel...so much love in general for things, places, people, incidents...my heart bleeds with empathy. Shutting myself of from loving is the only way i know that i can survive. It is the only way that nobody can break me.