LustingforNightmares

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2017-06-17 18:25:34 (UTC)

Into Dust

"Into Dust" by Mazzy Star

Still falling breathless and on again
Inside today, beside me today
Around broken in two
'til your eyes shed into dust
Like two strangers turning into dust
'Til my hand shook with the weight of fear

June 17, 2017 Saturday 7:39 PM

This diary kind of makes me sad today. Not sure why. I guess because I haven't written in it in a while—I haven't felt much like it. It feels like you've missed a lot, anyway, even if you haven't really.

I've been writing very much, although it's pretty much all fiction. Oh, I also went to prom last Saturday and I felt a bit like a goddess except more self-conscious. I danced a lot, because it turns out I really like dancing, and afterwards I went camping with Lily, her boyfriend, Laney, Gillian (I HAVEN'T MENTIONED HER IN SO LONG 'CAUSE WE AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE, BUT AS A NOTE, GILLIAN IS VERY NICE AND COOL) and Timmy.

Timmy and Laney mostly stayed sober the whole time. Lily's boyfriend and Gillian both got really drunk and could barely remember anything the next day. I got drunk, but not that much (at least I don't think so???), and I think Lily was probably only tipsy. The whole thing made me feel a little closer to Lily, just 'cause Lily and I never really talk about her life and I felt like this made her more comfortable discussing it with?? Like, I know Lily parties a lot but until recently, she hasn't really talked about it with me.

Lily is a very, very private person. I am not sure why. Sometimes I wish I was as closed off as she is, just because it seems like it must be so safe, but then I remember that I am okay the way I am. Except maybe I should talk less. But still, I'm fine.

I didn't get as depressed/regretful after drinking as I normally do. I think because I was with actual friends this time. For future reference, self: it's only fun to get drunk with people you like.

---

It was Liv's seventeenth birthday yesterday. I love Liv very much. We went out to eat and then went to see Rough Night with Alexis, Lily, Laney, annnnd Liv's cousin Alicia. I haven't mentioned Alicia in probably two years... I sure hope that was her codename. Sooo yeah, the movie was a good 3 out of 5 as far as movies go, although it kind of stressed me out because movies like that tend to frustrate me. Lily and Laney annoyed me very briefly because they weren't relaxing; they were pushy about getting us into the movie theater before credits started to get seats because it was opening night (except we were watching the 11 PM showing... and its a movie so who cares if we happen to be split up a bit when we get into the theater, it's better than watching all the ads). I mostly hung around Alexis, 'cause both of us wanted to play the arcade games.

I love Liv very, very, very, very much, and I feel a bit sick. That last part is almost unrelated.

Everybody is working this summer. Lily and Laney planned a vacation for us in late July, but I'll be in Nevada at that time so I won't be able to go. Liv is going to be busy pretty much the whole summer. Everyone is pretty much busy, actually, and so I'm kind of... sad.

I feel like I'm never going to see any of these people again. Like they've already slipped away. Like my youth has already slipped away!

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING:
I know it hasn't really. But it's just a little weird, realizing that I will soon move out of my parent's house and my hometown semi-permanently. Things are just changing and even though we all kind of know it, we're not acting any different to accommodate this???????????????????????

I'm sorry my writing is sloppy today. I really did not want to write this entry, but I felt all detached and I needed something to ground me.

I am just mildly brokenhearted at the prospect of leaving home. Or maybe I'm sad because I know everything I miss about my life here is already gone anyway (I'm talking to day-to-day stuff, not people, although many have faded already).

I hate myself today, I really do. I am disgusted with my own thoughts even though they aren't all that bad. I think it's just misdirected emotion again. I've always had a problem with that.

Well, goodnight. My mind is furious at me for leaving so many open lines of thought in this entry. I have not elaborated any of them. But I am too tired of myself to delve into my mind right now.


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