MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2017-06-08 00:55:34 (UTC)

Further Disapointment

Maybe I'll do more diary-ing now.
I'm not always this unhappy, I just seem to find my way back here on those occasions. I cant seem to spend the better part of 3 hours without feeling perplexed by his actions. We've settled on instituting better habits, or exploring more productive lifestyles and Kyle is a long-standing guitar player. So, I suggested we make a cover of one of the rap songs we mutually enjoy and he agreed. So he goes to practice and I distract myself while he figures out some of the details and me, only supplying the vocals of the duo could join when he's ready. Of course, he doesn't bother to ask me what song I'd like... quite contraire, I see him learning chords for songs I have little to no interest in and couldn't recite the lyrics with a gun put to my head. I'm trying not to be so critical... but is it possible that the nagging and persistent feelings of disappointment are signs that I'm just not happy? Anyway, I tell him how I feel and take my laptop into our room where I currently reside. Of course he's expressed no acknowledgement of the value of considering my position.... hmmmm...wonder if there's a fucking trend here.
Maybe its wise to track these times. Allow them to build. I tend to be so consumed with the necessity of forgive and forgetting that I don't seem to give credit to the countless times I am unhappy with this man. It's weird, cause when I look back I think of Jake. I think of, doing all I can to please and please and constantly being ridiculed and humiliated to his benefit. I think of the endless tears, multiple times a day feeling as a failure. And now, it's so different. When I say to myself, is this my personal unhappiness or is this because of him? I struggle. Because with Jake, this was obvious. Jake was verbally abusive, manipulative and aggressive. Kyle is soft, un-daring and cold at times. He doesn't stab me with the sharp spikes of ridicule but rather the dull ache of loneliness.
It seems naive to believe that I will ever be completely satisfied
When i met Kyle I was convinced he had everything I wanted
Here we are, 4 years down the road and only 3 hours from our last argument and not even a meager attempt to see my side.
Whatever.




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