Kitsune

Theoretically Incorrect
2017-06-07 09:13:20 (UTC)

A letter to my boyfriend

I never thought I'd find myself writing to you, especially on here. I thought things would change but I'm still the same person. I didn't expect change, but I at least wanted for my depression and anxiety to go away. I thought it was a phase, but now, I know, it's real and it will mostly likely never go away. Things happened. I went places. I found you. I graduated college. Yet I still find myself questioning my actions. I think about the past often that it haunts me. It hurts to cry in silence. Emotionless. Tears constantly running down my face as I write. After all, this is the only thing I'm used to. The only thing I've ever been good at. I want you to understand what it feels like. To be alone. To feel like the whole world doesn't like you. You are the only friend I have. The only one that has stayed by my side. Yet, I find myself wondering, why? Is it because you know? And even so, I've never wanted for anyone to know. I can't remember when was the first time I told you. Shocking. Out of all the things I chose to forget. However, I hate to constantly remind you that I'm depressed, even if some days I may not seem like it. I've come to learn that my depression is a part of me. A part of me that will never go away. And that for you to accept me, you must accept it. I've learned to live with it. I've learned to hide my emotions. It comes and goes, and I try my hardest for it not to show. To just let it pass and not let it consume me. The only time I can't help it is when I'm alone. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm constantly worrying and thinking about things. That's when my anxiety kicks in and it leads to me picking at my scalp- this bad habit I developed over time. And when I'm alone, I cry. A lot. You should know. I hate that I cry so easily too. That's the hardest for me to hide. Try holding back your tears. Crying in silence hurts. My face burns from the tears running down my face. My eyes are so tired that they can't stand being open. My sinuses swell, causing pressure to build up around my head. I hate headaches. It feels like my head is going to explode. Like now. This is why I can't sleep, thus I write to help alleviate the pain. To put my thoughts somewhere else besides my head. But I am writing to you not because I want your sympathy. I want you to know that depression isn't sadness. For me, it's the fear of regret. Things I can longer change. I'm tired of trying. I find it harder to do the simplest of things, like getting ready for the day. I tried so hard to leave a lasting impression, but no one came back. I lost everyone I knew, except you. My anxiety is to blame. It made me a perfectionist. Why else did I take two hours to get ready every morning? It feels like people are constantly staring and judging me, even if they're not. Sadly, I care too much what others think about me, which is why I don't like talking much. Furthermore, I have dreams. You should know that I am passionate about things, but it’s hard to follow them when you're depressed. Even getting out of bed is difficult. I think happiness is short term. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s happiness that I experience. I've been out of the country and seen some beautiful stuff but I'm still depressed. I don't even know if teaching abroad will help, but it's something I want to do. Like I said, my depression is preventing me from living. I don't even know what's my purpose on this earth anymore. I just hope you understand me and ask me if I'm okay, and know that I'm lying when I say I am okay.

I hope to get more emotional support from you, por favor. I don't know how since you suck at these things, but there's google (I guess?).

My headache's gone now. Goodnight to me and good morning to you. I love you.
-Yours Truly




Ad: