Ranmat

The Last Hours
2017-05-31 07:16:07 (UTC)

I'm spiraling. This is my attempt ..

I'm spiraling. This is my attempt to regain control.
I had to look at my calendar to see what in the hell happened and for how long and what has triggered? Clearly I'm not on schedule. I'm falling behind and there is no time. This IS it.
Plans are just that. They are to be altered. I hate when I have to. But I should be more forgiving..... and reasonable that nothing goes as plan and I have the ability and insight to maneuver.
But I'm easily distracted and not disciplined.
(I have to learn it so I can start implementing it by summer.....and school is out this Friday.
I hate rigidness. I hate robotic. I hate having to be a grown up. Routine. This is why I want to marry. Well. One. You would just get farther with a partner on the same page........ faster.
A thought that I should really dismiss as it has contributed in immoral choices. So its making me tetter.
So......
He called once, and I didn't answer. He hasn't called again, its almost a week. I haven't blocked him because I want to see if he tries to call. But I really don't have anything to say. As its getting closer to the time that I'll be staying out that way, I want to focus to my routine with the kids and the meal plan.
I will check out congregations (8 Total); Visiting 1 Regional that is 2 hours away in Tuscan. I will need to look at areas. Schools, hopefully 2 or 3 homes, vibes, nearest hospitals, while at the same time be helpful and watch kids, 2 girls and a wild boy. I'm excited to build a relationship with my cousins, see my cousin too! Although I'm kinda pissed at her for not listening but showing me more of how it will be if we really do move out that way. I would need to have my own life.
What kind of life do I want to build for me and my family? What are the goals?
My grandmother has to be comfortable.
The place HAS to be clean and have order but how can I clean a whole house solo. I have to start now.
I have to get a job. Eh. Look for a job while I'm down there. Where can I get my son's hair cut? Where do I go for Ethiopian food. Will the dry dessert burn my desire to be ambitious or will I slow down like everyone else?
My mom.... how will she cope with me moved out? just for the weekend she had to sleep with her bedroom door locked and the kitchen light on. She keeps asking me about how to switch a title and even though I have asked her to get the step by step instructions on DMV website for the last 2 weeks..... she hasn't.... .but she has been on CNN........
This weekend is a precursor to the month of my absence to follow,... which is the precursor to the two years I move and she stays in DB with Nana where she will be forced to rely on herself and simplify. It truly is a sweet deal but she wont look at it that way and I'm hoping she doesn't force herself into a depression with the absence of me and my son...... and with her having to step it up more for her mother.
So many things to think about.
Then Harold died. I knew he was from the last time I saw him. But we never talked about the big elephant in the room. I guess it wasn't that important since the normal conversation was needed. I wish I could have talked to him or even seen him one more time. I'm glad I didn't see him though. Cancer rots you from the inside and ages you in months as if it was decades. I'm not sure if I would have kept composure. I miss him. But i'm glad he is not suffering anymore. No one is like Harold. I will miss his rants...... his Tell it like it is demeanor. Him cussing you out no matter who you are if you have earned it.......... his traffic conversations,........ his jokes...... ah.... his impersonations......... his hip hop quotes.............. It sucks I just cant call him..........

THEN.... Tina calls. Really....... after all these years........ to take me to lunch. Probably to get close enough so her husband can sex me........ I'm not trying to go there. I went to lunch to be nice and cordial but I blocked her number. I don't need that type of distraction.

Had dinner at Chucks and Yolie's....... .nice.... I smoked. Argh! Dranked too much. They bickered. ......bad
Spent the weekend with Jean and Mauro.......... they bickered....... but with more class........... but it was still irritating.
and something was biting me! Ah between their dogs and guinea pigs and geicos and cat no freaking telling what bit me.
But do I really want to get married? Who wants that back and forth bickering crap?

Then Brotha Ra texted me a nasty text saying I was dirty about the conversation me and his wife had which was SUPER genuine and I don't know how that got out of context at all but if she is super jealous and the kinda person that wants to argue about an innocent incident that happened 18 years ago...... I cant participate. He asked if "he" lost two friends this week instead of two....... Was that a threat....? Negro please. Kick rocks. I'm not the type that will cry over friendships if you choose to rid of me and I didn't do anything. I told him go ahead. He quickly changed his tune.

Oh..... and Darren found a way to call me after I blocked him two years ago. After me not "biting' to his tagging me on FB........ he used it to call me............. and finally wanted to know "why"....... maybe because he has to turn himself in August to do 4 years. Of course now would be convenient huh? Argh.......... Loose me with that........

Then JL tells me he is going through something and is distant.... text me..... as I'm respecting his space then gets mad that I'm distant and don't fell like talking to him and called me passive aggressive? We hadn't even talked on the phone or enough times to start name calling. I just didn't feel like being bother.

If I can loose "him".......... these other friends can kick rocks too. Its the wrong time for "casualties" to try to start pulling weight. I'm a loner. A friendly outgoing one. But I really don't need anyone who is quick to dismiss me as a friend. I know what kind of friend I am and if you want to test me on it........... I'm not interested in that type of friendship. Plus when people have so much going on........ especially that is going wrong..... whats one more thing? Your almost doing the person a favor by saying "I'm out of your life".
Ah. Ok.

I got approved for $16 dollars a month of food stamps based on what I USED to make. Gotta laugh at that one.
I was denied medical... but at least I got approved for my son.

Some of these distractions are obvious and I just need to prove myself willing to make the correct decision...........
I haven't looked for a job yet. I don't have a sitter.... or payment for a camp........ so I have to try to ride out until school is back but i'm hoping by then I'm working. I will actively look once we are back in town.
So what do I do that doesn't help the job finding situation?

I bought a bag of weed. SO today it was smoke weed / watch porn.
as if I have learned nothing from that behavior.

Tomorrow is my last day smoking and I will throw the rest of the bag out.
Back to following the rules and being Super woman..... I haven't worked out since Thursday.....5 days.... I'm so stiff!
All this has happened in 15 days. I'm off my schedule. I need to stop playing around and get back on deck.
I wake up at 6:30 to restart the grind.
and my boobs are sore like there FF's and not the D it actually is. Aunt Flo is coming in town. I HATE Aunt Flo.




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