Young Sprout
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2017-05-29 02:45:11 (UTC)

Damn it!

So many times I have asked if if I'm important to me, I'm not though. I will never be someone's favorite person or somebodies first choice I am nothing. It does not matter if they same I'm important, because it hurts me to know that there is always someone they prefer. I do what I do to myself because of the things like that that hurt me so much, I need control over what I feel. Whenever I want to do something whenever I want to go out and be happy I struggle so hard to go and do them, sometimes I can't. There are so many things I want to say, I want to tell people how I feel but instead I say I'm fine because my problems are not worth there time, so instead I say "I'm fine" and at night i will say this over and over again in hopes that I will believe them. It's worse when I finally start to open up and I feel bad for feeling the way I do so I apologize instead, I apologize because I'm not good enough because I hate myself because everyone hates me.

But I'm scared I don't want you to leave because when you do the hardest part won't be saying goodbye it'll be trying to fill the void you left because you made me feel things I didn't know I could feel because you made me happy and my heart will be ore empty than ever before. I just don't want to be alone anymore not for a second, but I am always alone and do you forget me when i am not right next to you? So when I'm not with you I don't want to be anything or to be anywhere I want to disappear. I haven't cut or self harmed like I used to because I don't want you to see what I've done to myself so I hurt myself in other ways, I stopped eating and when I did eat I purged to cleanse myself that way you wouldn't know and this way I can feel pain. I feel pain but no one sees it and no one judges and I can finally be beautiful.

Sometimes I am sad and I can't explain why there is no reason, but I can't deal with that sadness. There are so many things that I feel and they are all so negative. I feel like by just being alive just by existing I feel like I bother people. And I feel like sometimes it's better to be alone, to be away from people because in my mind if there's nobody there they can't hurt you even though I know that's not true.

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