Every time I start writing in my diary, nowadays, I feel strange. Like...out of place. But that'a different entry for a different time.
Right now, I'm just sitting in the dark on the floor in my room. I'm sick with a possible cold, I'm bleeding out my uterine wall and I'm sad because I'm feeling neglected by my boyfriend.
I mean, I kind of understood because I wasn't home before but now it's like nothing has changed. The first day I was here, granted it was mother's day, but he only saw me for 30 minutes, an hour and a half max. The thing is, he wasn't even with his mom! He was with Amari! And even the day after that he didn't see me. He didn't drop by in the morning (even though I texted him at 6am like I always do) or come see my that afternoon. Nothing. I had to beg him to see me Tuesday.
Wait I'm lying. I snuck him in on Sunday night after everyone was asleep. We took our time which was kind of nice. It was about an hour and forty five minutes. We slept for about 30 minutes and then that was it. I didn't see him until I think Thursday and then I saw him again on Saturday for a day at the beach. He stopped by to come and see me today but I just wasn't feeling it.
I mean, I would have been happier to see him if I wasn't sick, bleeding, and he wasn't LATE. I mean he wasn't just late, he was late-late. I'm talking two hours past the time he said he would be there. He only stayed for maybe 30 minutes this go around. But that was probably my fault. He was just so late that I didn't even want him here. As soon as 4 hit, I thought that he should have been at the house by then. Nope. He didn't get here until 6. He didn't even let me know that he was on his way here until two hours after the fact. Then twenty minutes later he calls and says he stopped by for food and then he'll be on his way. I already have trust issues! Not to mention, this bitch only showed up with one meal! Talking bout' "I knew you weren't feeling well so I only got one meal." Sounds like yo ass was broke. That's what it sounds like to me, broke ass.
My saltiness aside, I kept telling him, that he doesn't text me enough, I want him to communicate with me more, he doesn't tell me about his day, he doesn't call, this and that and so on and so forth. Has he done anything of these things since I got back? NO! No he has not. Then he has the nerve to show up late. Like really, who do you think I am? I'm may be a queen but this queen is loyal enough to her own self respect that she can leave and find a king that'll treat her ass better. I'll tell you that. Sorry I said I was going to put my saltiness aside. That's just not going to happen so I'll just continue.
We also have only had sex once since I've been here and that almost didn't happen. Granted, it almost didn't happen because of me, but that's besides the point. He hasn't made a move or anything. I think it was yesterday he was bitching at me because I said I wanted to give him head and he told me to leave Davis with my parents. But I was babysitting and I told Keith no. So he got mad and kept telling me that I riled him up and that I should just leave Davis with my parents so I could leave. I honestly thought it was quite selfish of him to even suggest that. See this is why I don't flirt with him anymore. If I flirt with him, he makes it seem like I have to service him. I should just drop everything and tend to his erection. I told him to just leave me alone until he masturbated. He said "bet." Which I wasn't quite sure what that meant. Eventually, (once again) I texted him (first) asking if he had done what he needed to do (near exact words) and he said yes.
Over the years, he has gotten better but he also...isn't much better. I thought at age 18 he would be better than this, you know? He acts like a spoiled brat when he isn't relieved. I do have to admit though, I'm part of that problem. When he says he's horny I do try to take care of him, so he doesn't bother me. I would really hate for that to rub on the next woman he's involved with, if he is ever involved with someone else.
The way I worded that says a lot. I mean, I didn't say his next girlfriend, wife-to-be, or hook up. I said "next woman he's involved witrh." To be honest, I pictured him cheating/raping someone when I said that. It's a sad truth but the truth none the less. Keith can be a monster sometimes. I remember when he told me that he got off on my fear of him when we were having sex. That's just grotesque. I wonder if that's my own fault. I mean I could have told him to stop. But then what? Have him guilt trip me again? It's a vicious cycle. One I voluntarily am involved in. He hasn't been bad lately. But really what the hell do I know? Wait..actually he has. Yesterday. I was just saying how horribly he was acting and I wasn't even next to him. Maybe he wouldn't act as badily if I had been next to him. We'll see. I'm honestly scared to refuse him right now. That just sounds terrifying. I just have it stuck in my brain that he will rape me some day and there will be nothing I can do about it.
Then the question remains. Why do I stay with him. I mean, as of late, I don't feel anything. I've never felt a connection during sex. Even that time that I cried happy tears. I wasn't happy because I felt a special connection to him. I was happy that I finally got what I wanted and that he actually listened to me. On paper, Keith really is a terrible boyfriend. I mean, I don't think I'd actually be upset if I broke up with him tonight. He'd be distraught. He probably wouldn't even realize why I did it. I'm just really growing apart from him right now. Even when I got back home and I said I missed him, in the back of my mind, I didn't really miss him. I just, I'm just acting accordingly. My brain keep saying you should do this and this. The romantic feeling the butterflies and such, they've been gone a long time. Even before I met Keith. Last time I had those were in forth grade. They're all pretty much in my head now. It's terrible but true. But I don't have to worry about dating and all that. I just have worry about keeping my relationship on track. Right now, that's not even right.
UGH! How I would hate to be single again? You know how much weight I would have to lose to look attractive again? 80. 80 fucking pounds. At the very least I'd have to drop 50 or learn how to do my make up or improve on my makeup. Regardless, it'd be pretty damn hard for me to just back into the game after being in a relationship for five years. Plus I know I couldn't date anyone my own age. I'm too emotionally and intelligent for other guys my age. I'd go for a dude in his mid twenties. Or I'd give up all together and be a sugar baby, after I lose all this weight of course.
But I don't have to worry about that. At least not for now. Keith said he would try to be more considerate. I told him that I would try to be more vocal about appreciating the small things he does. I don't think I mentioned this but I'm sure he said that because he was doing chores, and errands until he finally went to mcdonald's I think. Matter of fact, what was he doing within those minutes he was at mcdonalds and when he said he was on his way. For real. I'm going to ask. Or should I? That'd be another argument wouldn't it? If I don't I'm just going to keep wondering. Is it really worth that? I know me. If I don't ask tonight, I'm going to ask tomorrow and that won't be pretty. I'll ruin an entire, argument free day. I'm going to ask.
Within the text I just sent (well the two), I told him to make a time to see me tomorrow. (This wasn't in the text btw but) I know if he doesn't make a time or I don't tell him one, he'll either wait all day or he won't come at all. That's what he does. I really hope being in college gives him some level of maturity. It's frustrating as hell babysitting him AND this relationship all the damn time. It's like taking care of Davis!
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