Ardent

Ray of Light
2017-05-22 20:55:54 (UTC)

It's all a game until its not

Sometimes I feel like life is a simulation. You get thrown all these obstacles, so many paths, so many curve balls. Sometimes I don't make the right decisions. Okay, a lot of times I don't make the right decisions. But the most important thing is to own every decision you make. Your life is your life. Not anyone else's.

I've been having so many long conversations with my mother. It feels like a game, a ping pong match, a back and forth to see which person's information has the most bite.

I tell her I'm gay.

She tells me she's had an abortion.

I tell her I don't want a close relationship with her.

She tells me she has cancer.

I get numb, tears stream down my face. Thoughts rush through my head, all the awful things I've done, the bad decisions I've made. Why haven't I made her proud yet? Why am I letting her watch my life fall apart? Why can't I buy her the moon and stars? Why have I turned out to be shitty son, after everything, all her efforts?

Suddenly all my life choices feel wrong. I can't own them. I don't want them. My thoughts become burdens.




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