Vanilla

The Real Me
2017-05-20 21:31:47 (UTC)

Vulnerability

It scares me more than death.
To expose myself to someone, to give care, to look someone in the eye, to trust someone.
I went on a date with Felix and genuinely wasn't expecting anything other than disappointment, I did this because Im dating Ri who im starting to slowly like, he was growing on me and I thought I shouldn't lay my eggs in one basket therefore Felix could just be a distraction. I wasn't expecting to like him, he was going to be my girl version of a side bitch.

So you can imagine my surprise when with felix it was just BOOM instant chemistry, undeniable instant crazy chemistry that makes you feel a bit weak and all my god damn rules and morals just went flying out the window, because seriously he couldn't do much wrong, resisting him took incredible strength because everything in my body and mind was just GO.

With Ri, iI like him he is such a sweety, I can talk to him all day and i know he would treat me right.
But with Felix, there was no reservations, i instantly just liked him, i liked the way he smiled, , i wanted to care for him, wanted to hold him. He felt like HOME. And thats the problem my sense of home has always been hell. So that confuses me, will i be getting hurt in the end if I do let him in? Dr M also felt like home and look where that got me. The feeling of home takes away the ache in my heart of the missing place of my father...this is the problem...anyone that can make me feel like home ultimately destroys me in the end.

Felix was smart, articulate, interesting, bit of a bad boy but with a heart (this is how we came across) and then when i kissed him I couldn't stop kissing him. it felt wonderful. And i hate that shit. I hate feeling so...into someone. And we kissed and cuddled the whole night and it felt so good to be held, to be looked at the way he looked at me as if I was beautiful as if he could be vulnerable with me the way I could with him.
Being in his arms made me feel safe, i haven't felt safe and held in so long. And maybe I can be that girl for him. Maybe i am the one. But this is what I mean...when someone opens me up like this, i become weak with emotion....and all i want to do is run and cry...and be held and not be held. On top of that i am sooooooo attracted to him its actually unbelievable. I have never in my life felt this physically attracted to someone, its driving me insane. So it could all just be lust!! It was hard not to fuck him.

I have so many reservations about him now. what if he is playing me? how do I figure out if he is?...if he is...what do i do?...play him back? I wont get hurt again, i wont have someone mess with me again...i guess i have to wait and see. So till then im going to concentrate on other things, and im going to party hard as i do and kiss lots of boys!

So in trying to distract myself away from Riaz I have managed to find myself falling for Felix fast. LOL great way to create problems for myself. So now im in a pickle that i didnt think id be in. I can still get Felix out of my mind as its so new and we've only just met, but if we continue to talk and meet I know I will fall in love with him...hes that guy, i cant resist him. So i need to put myself in check and run.