The Last Hours
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2017-05-20 04:13:06 (UTC)

The Summary

He called me last night. When he calls its Christmas. We talked for about an hour and 30 before his phone died It was a conversation that was good and moot at the same time. Good because it told me I'm not the only one who thinks of possible outcomes. Moot because those possible issues and "what if's" will never be tested. Not sooner than 18 years....... Lately, he rarely opens up to me And now I feel better to know that he is consciously respecting boundaries. His and mines. Although lately it has made our conversation topics dry.

He doesn't want to air his dirty laundry Not sure I'd want to know it. Already feel that I'm prying. Prying because I'm talking and thinking about her man. But I am interested in him and what's going on in his life his thoughts and reasonings.

So I'm over talking, that is for the both of us.
I'm not the entertainment. I need his contribution.

It was comforting to hear him say how he has thought about me that same ways, I him.

So we have this 25 year history
Mad chemistry
And an insatiable sex life
We are compatible, communicators
both compromise
Both good parents, people....... but timing has always been against us. On purpose??

And truly NONE of that matters because he has a woman that he decided to get a house with and produce 2 children with. I cannot keep justifying That he is not married when their commitment is active.
No take backs in adulthood.

I'm no home wrecker. I'm selfish. But I'm not one to cause friction in any family or so selfish to pave a path for retreat because the relationship is not satisfactory. As just a friend I might can justify but with our history, it's unfair. I can't help to put myself in her shoes. They both have invested and chosen to be together before I reemerged. There is love there.
I care about him. He cares about them. So to truly be loving, I have to not contribute negatively according to HIS situation.

So say we continue as cordial friends, how long before we see each other. And if we do, will we not hug? What are we going to shake hands? Even a hand shake. Skin on skin. Something to hold tight and grab? That wouldn't eventually turn into 2 adults doing what they both want to do at some point saying "fuck it" because they are TIRED of being in control and they miss what they've shared in the past?

Say that happens?

This morning I masturbated to his image. And afterwards, I cried because I felt so shitty. Because he had to leave me to go to his family. (My sexual encounters are pretty vivid and detailed, ha!). How did I get here? How embarrassing!
I've already lived out that feeling and it was not healthy for my well being.

That is not what I want. I've been preparing myself to have and for the entire package. I haven't waited for "the one" and prepared myself for a mate to only borrow someone else's at their convenience. I deserve more. My son deserves more.
He is NOT available...........period.

When I seek him out I only wanted to know of his well being and status. Not to be here.

He brought up a point that crossed my mind before. If we
were to open Pandora's box, while he is still in a relationship, then if something happened to end his current relationship and we decided to give it a try..... the foundation would already have trust issues.

Preventing this would take us back to speaking "politically correctly".
Which is acceptable. But I cant dominate the conversation........ surely we should have some subjects worth talking about?
Would this not be work? Unnatural? Missing something? A sacrifice for what type of reward exactly?

So we cant flirt, we cant physically interact. Can we look at each other? Our conversations have become dry for the sake of being respectfully safe. However, still wanting to "talk" to each other but not allowing the other to "care" enough to cross a boundary.
This game is locked and there are no more bones in the yard.
How do I not look at this as torture?
This is the base line being set before I come out there. For both parties. We will need to have one and its proactive, ........more comfortable to start now into the year.
Do we just pretend the other one is not living some 30 minutes away?
So I have entered a new emotional stage in regards to him.
our 2 year verbal rekindling.....again short lived.
This stage is me going through being spoiled and selfish and frustrated because I cant have what I want so I'm pouting and tearing and feel like having a tantrum. and I'm being hardheaded.... the writing is on the wall.....I'm reading it...... but I refuse to articulate it....... because as rare as this happens in my life, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change any of it.
I'm being Childlike.
T h I s I s t h e r e a l I t y.
Once I can accept this in my heart, I can continue to grow and be the woman I'm used to seeing in the mirror.