The Last Hours
- March 2010
- 17 - why do i smoke weed
- 28 - jan 2010 = D U I
- 31 - Court
- April 2010
- 08 - One down... forever to ...
- 13 - Possible Predator in ...
- 16 - I think i need a Sarkis ...
- 24 - An Update Letter to his ...
- May 2010
- 04 - Korean Spas - thank ...
- June 2010
- 08 - I'm not even a ...
- 08 - I wish I would have ...
- July 2010
- 14 - I was born in the wrong ...
- 14 - "So we JUST had a baby ...
- 23 - a mini nervous breakdown
- October 2010
- 15 - its been a while
- 18 - I am weak
- 21 - A new day....
- 22 - stop this shit right ...
- 27 - Shame on you.
- November 2010
- 03 - My problem with men.
- 05 - the sarkis letter
- 11 - THIS place...
- January 2011
- 12 - A million ways to deal ...
- 12 - Good bye Karla
- 17 - New year. New energy.
- 17 - a year after the d u i ...
- February 2011
- 18 - Here we are. 2011. ...
- 18 - This has been somewhat ...
- 18 - Hi Don,
- March 2011
- 02 - I have to come to a ...
- 21 - where do we go from ...
- April 2011
- 02 - I haven't written in a ...
- August 2011
- 07 - teaching jb to wipe his ...
- 07 - she went to go look for ...
- January 2012
- 21 - My sorry ass uncle
- 30 - My homegirl
- February 2012
- 11 - Broken.
- 22 - Working out.... or ...
- April 2012
- 28 - im in a strange ...
- May 2012
- 08 - Almost there?
- August 2012
- 01 - I'm at a cross path
- 01 - Growing out of porn
- 01 - my lifestyle should ...
- May 2013
- 14 - I have a reason for ...
- 27 - Break
- 28 - back to normal
- June 2013
- 23 - If someone pushed you ...
- July 2013
- 16 - 20 years of Friendship
- 16 - well, we have to find a ...
- 22 - WTH?!?!?! All I did ...
- 22 - Update
- October 2013
- 07 - a mini breakdown
- 07 - I have the biggest ...
- 19 - Attention deficit ...
- November 2013
- 07 - What to do?.... oh and ...
- January 2014
- 01 - Adjustments needed
- 30 - I am stressed the fuck ...
- March 2014
- 13 - My Mom
- April 2014
- 15 - Jonahs Dad - The Moron
- May 2014
- 20 - 5-15-14 - The day i ...
- 20 - The Break-Down at the ...
- 20 - "Keep your distance ...
- June 2014
- 10 - You never know how much ...
- 15 - I am official!
- July 2014
- 15 - TIme to Pull out the ...
- August 2014
- 12 - New Jersey Trip for ...
- September 2014
- 05 - I think I need to seek ...
- October 2014
- 18 - so after my 2 weeks ...
- January 2015
- 02 - The stresses of life ...
- 02 - Close the book with ...
- April 2015
- 18 - How do I get my fight ...
- 19 - When will I be a grown ...
- 21 - Happy 420 day!
- 24 - he said she said
- May 2015
- 04 - wise words from GG
- 04 - the power of habit
- 07 - Again, I smoked.Then ...
- July 2015
- 13 - Jonahs first bible ...
- August 2015
- 24 - So I feel weird about ...
- 24 - Hard Headed Me
- September 2015
- 02 - i fucked up and fucked.
- 03 - Tina - A betrayal to ...
- February 2016
- 01 - The job
- 01 - An apology letter to ...
- March 2016
- 12 - Rebekah
- 12 - 2-24-16. At the spa
- 12 - Mr. Lee
- July 2016
- 25 - Rastas Sizzla Worship
- 31 - Can I eat your ass
- 31 - Weed did it again
- October 2016
- 12 - My mom the hoarder
- 12 - How come you cant?
- December 2016
- 30 - Anxiety
- January 2017
- 01 - Mr Lee - a new year
- 08 - Organize my struggle
- 14 - Today I found out that ...
- March 2017
- 02 - Laid Off
- 02 - March 1st - Epic Fail
- 05 - betrayal is not for me
- April 2017
- 29 - What am I
- 30 - One of the reasons i ...
- May 2017
- 02 - Letter to mom
- 20 - The Summary
The SummaryHe called me last night. When he calls its Christmas. We talked for about an hour and 30 before his phone died It was a conversation that was good and moot at the same time. Good because it told me I'm not the only one who thinks of possible outcomes. Moot because those possible issues and "what if's" will never be tested. Not sooner than 18 years....... Lately, he rarely opens up to me And now I feel better to know that he is consciously respecting boundaries. His and mines. Although lately it has made our conversation topics dry.
He doesn't want to air his dirty laundry Not sure I'd want to know it. Already feel that I'm prying. Prying because I'm talking and thinking about her man. But I am interested in him and what's going on in his life his thoughts and reasonings.
So I'm over talking, that is for the both of us.
I'm not the entertainment. I need his contribution.
It was comforting to hear him say how he has thought about me that same ways, I him.
So we have this 25 year history
And an insatiable sex life
We are compatible, communicators
Both good parents, people....... but timing has always been against us. On purpose??
And truly NONE of that matters because he has a woman that he decided to get a house with and produce 2 children with. I cannot keep justifying That he is not married when their commitment is active.
No take backs in adulthood.
I'm no home wrecker. I'm selfish. But I'm not one to cause friction in any family or so selfish to pave a path for retreat because the relationship is not satisfactory. As just a friend I might can justify but with our history, it's unfair. I can't help to put myself in her shoes. They both have invested and chosen to be together before I reemerged. There is love there.
I care about him. He cares about them. So to truly be loving, I have to not contribute negatively according to HIS situation.
So say we continue as cordial friends, how long before we see each other. And if we do, will we not hug? What are we going to shake hands? Even a hand shake. Skin on skin. Something to hold tight and grab? That wouldn't eventually turn into 2 adults doing what they both want to do at some point saying "fuck it" because they are TIRED of being in control and they miss what they've shared in the past?
Say that happens?
This morning I masturbated to his image. And afterwards, I cried because I felt so shitty. Because he had to leave me to go to his family. (My sexual encounters are pretty vivid and detailed, ha!). How did I get here? How embarrassing!
I've already lived out that feeling and it was not healthy for my well being.
That is not what I want. I've been preparing myself to have and for the entire package. I haven't waited for "the one" and prepared myself for a mate to only borrow someone else's at their convenience. I deserve more. My son deserves more.
He is NOT available...........period.
When I seek him out I only wanted to know of his well being and status. Not to be here.
He brought up a point that crossed my mind before. If we
were to open Pandora's box, while he is still in a relationship, then if something happened to end his current relationship and we decided to give it a try..... the foundation would already have trust issues.
Preventing this would take us back to speaking "politically correctly".
Which is acceptable. But I cant dominate the conversation........ surely we should have some subjects worth talking about?
Would this not be work? Unnatural? Missing something? A sacrifice for what type of reward exactly?
So we cant flirt, we cant physically interact. Can we look at each other? Our conversations have become dry for the sake of being respectfully safe. However, still wanting to "talk" to each other but not allowing the other to "care" enough to cross a boundary.
This game is locked and there are no more bones in the yard.
How do I not look at this as torture?
This is the base line being set before I come out there. For both parties. We will need to have one and its proactive, ........more comfortable to start now into the year.
Do we just pretend the other one is not living some 30 minutes away?
So I have entered a new emotional stage in regards to him.
our 2 year verbal rekindling.....again short lived.
This stage is me going through being spoiled and selfish and frustrated because I cant have what I want so I'm pouting and tearing and feel like having a tantrum. and I'm being hardheaded.... the writing is on the wall.....I'm reading it...... but I refuse to articulate it....... because as rare as this happens in my life, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change any of it.
I'm being Childlike.
T h I s I s t h e r e a l I t y.
Once I can accept this in my heart, I can continue to grow and be the woman I'm used to seeing in the mirror.