Alexis's diary
2017-05-20 03:59:48 (UTC)

i don't know

i feel like crying for no reason. all the time. i feel hurt in almost every way possible. Sometimes i hate you. Multiple you's. I miss the idea of people. sometimes i hate how i feel, because i feel ashamed, i feel weak just allowing myself to feel broken. Only one knows. Sometimes i hate you. i hate how you are, i feel degraded, i feel small, i feel like nothing. Because of you's. why? i should love you. When i need you most you would probably never notice. or not care if you did. and no, i recognize that it isn't self pity. your just not that person. but i wish you were. i wish i could tell you everything. i wish you could accept me in everything i am. i want to say i hate you but i don't. i'm mad, i am angry with every fiber of my being that you cannot be something so simple for me. just listen maybe. I have never felt so unstable, waves hit me and send me crashing down just when i'm reaching the surface. just when i learn how to flow with the water. But i tell myself, that soon the tide will ease, and maybe ill see the sea. I don't know what to do. I need to be my own life support. i need to be everything i need. How much longer can i keep smiling. I feel like a parts of me are lost. Sometimes i feel so good, and other times i feel so sad. if only you knew everything...if only i could tell you. even so i love you with all my heart.