Beureka

Scattered mumbles of a cofused intersex
2017-05-20 03:54:55 (UTC)

I just started this, it seems...

Hey, world, it's Rho here. I guess I'm here, huh? Felt like there was a lot trapped inside of me, and writing always gave this sort of relief so... I don't know. Thought it maybe could be a good idea?
Not sure if anyone is gonna read this, but, oh well, I guess I do this for realease after all.
Don't mind my mistakes in writing, I've just started writing in english and I'm not really trying to police myself in here, just writing as it goes.

I'm alone at my apartment today. I guess I dislike being alone. Feels kinda lonely? I'm on college now, it's been only one month: new city, new friends, new home, new life... It's a little bit overwhelming!
I don't feel that sure about the graduation I picked, you know? I'm not the bright kid that get only straight A's anymore. What a kick to the ego.
I know, selfish, but what can I do? I was always that person, the one who barely does shit and still gets everyone attention. It was a small city, small school, people usually didn't had the same interests. I was the only one who liked drawing in my year, so how would I not call attention?
But in Art college? Pff, please! There are people better. SO much better. Sometimes i ask myself how could I ever think I was anything but average.

Well you see, thats not bad, per say. That mean I'm going to get better, that I have a long way to go, but that, in the end, I'm going to see good results. But at the same time, it feels weird. I'm trying my best, and yet I get just average results... What a way to learn things, right?
It's probably going to be a good experience, at least as long as I stop being the stagnated seal I'm being lately. I mean, why am I here and not working on the projects I need to deliver next week? Why am I not doing something productive?

Yes, I know, I'm being a drama queen. I know this is not useless. I got a ton more reliefed just because I started wirtting this. I guess giving some time to myself is important too?

That's another point... Who am I?

That is a question I've also been asking myself.

Intersex? Yeah, no contesting biology.
A girl? Hmm, maybe?
But... How? How am I those things? How do I explain this to the rest of the world? It's just so confusing...

Yet, more importantly, where do I want to go? This question scares me so much, because I just got no fucking clue! What will I do when college is over? What do I want to be doing? Should I be thinking about that?

I feel, now more than ever, that taking one step at a time might be the best for me... But what is my next step? It should be for sure working on my assignments on due, or maybe trying to decide in which personal project I'm going to dedicated myself for. But so many things sparks my interest...

Well, I guess only writing this won't solve everything afterall, but it did made me fell a little bit lighter. I should traying looking more after me, after my body, my health. Love me a tad more, that wouldn't hurt, no. Maybe completing the things I've been leaving along the way, all the loose ends... Yeah, seems interesting, not sure it will happen, tho. We'll see.

I'm lonely, maybe I should sleep. I usually dream of having someone by my side, even tho I know this is a bad thing to desire for. We should be able to sustain our emotions for ourselves, if not, we would just be skewing the balance when we actually got in a relationship. Pro tip, people!

Did you actually read this? If yes, thanks a lot. I guess the possibility of you doing so just made me sleep better this night.
Love,
Rho

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