All that is
I think it's becoming clear that anxiety is something I suffer from. I need to get to the bottom of it. I haven't even checked my uni email for two weeks now, for fear of what i might find. I can't bear to think about it even so i'll stop it there.
In other news, I handed in my documentary proposal to sarah. She says she'll have a look and 'bbc3 it up' since that's the brief i'm responding to. Then again she didn't respond to my first email so I'm not sure whether or how long it'll take her to respond to this. I mean... we'll see. I've put K on the case for insurance though so I'm hoping to hear back from her by Monday.
In the mean time, and in slight relation to my newly discovered tendency for anxiety
We have time dysmorphia - black people
When in the business of dating, i think you need to have at least two-three guys on your Rosta. The first guy is the one that you really like. You're in it to win it. You care about impressing him and so you anticipate his gaze to a certain extent and perform the version of yourself that you believe is responsible for catching his attention - the idealised version of yourself. With this one, you're never really yourself at least not at the beginning. The second guy is the guy who you have fun with, you're super comfortable around him - the one you can needle endlessly, you can sense that he perhaps likes you just a little more than you like him and that feeling is assuring. you have playful teenage-like sex or make-out sessions. But if you don't hear from him for a little bit, it barely phases you. Obviously because you're too busy thinking of main boo. Then the third one is the one that you have whorish sex with. The kind of sex that you're not able to have with main boo, cos you're following the rules this time and playing it cautious, nor with fun boo because, well he just doesn't bring out the hoe in you like that. This third guy treats you with sexually charged contempt that for some fucked up reason turns you on to no ends. He satisfies the dirty side of you that's alive and well and constant.
The reason for all this is distraction. Your energy and attention is already divided albeit unequally into three, so even if you tried you would not be able to give too much attention to main boo. If main boo wanted to do something on an evening where you already have plans with fun boo or nasty boo, you're response would be "I'm sorry, making you seem busy and aloof. Yay. Win.
" Ladders" - as in ladders in my tights - there'll be random scenes of me getting ready, where I never have a decent pair of tights - they always have ladders in them. That's what makes me late - I'll spend ages looking for tights that are good but will only ever have a draw full of laddered tights. even when I throw them in the bin they seem to find their way into my tight draw. Even when I buy a new pair, I'll not be able to find the new pair and will usually end up having to wear the laddered tights and going late anyway. Sometimes I'll have only one pair of tights and theyre laddered however the ladder is high on my thigh so i'll reason that it's 'safe' for me to wear, however during hte outtig or date or make out session, it'll somehow be revealed. Or maybe I'll wear a tight that seems fine below the knees but the crotch area is completely hideously fucked up like a cat has been at it. but its the only one so I'll have no choice but to wear it. then on a date during the make out session, the crotch will reveal itself without me even knowing.
Or in some rare cases when she does eventually happen to wear a decent tight and shes feeling herself, she'll unknowingly snag it somewhere and it'll begin to ladder. She'll notice it at some point and think outloud 'how is this happening??!?'
Ladders can also be a metaphor for the state of her life in general - the way
They'll have a whatsapp group that features heavily in the show. she'll talk about having trapped wind, sitting pretty and farting really really loudly. We won't see her actually fart, we'll just see her friend receiving the text message she sends saying this, then it'll cut back to the scene of her in the club and she'll see her date or whoever coming up and she'll rush to meet him to stop him from coming close to her. OR maybe itdoesn't smell so she jsut sits there looking pretty and shifting on her bum awkwardly.
Scene x: church
"why didn't you cream your hair this morning?" being weird at church...
being caught doing shit u shouldn't be doing on the sabbath..
Introduce it by saying 'the way 7th day adventism is practiced in Nigeria is different than how Jamaicans practice it...' Have an intertextuality scene of young A standing at the threshcold of a half clsed door at church and poking my head half way through the doorway to find my daddy having an argument with Keith on visitors day because they wouldn't serve our jollof rice containing meat, during lunch...we don't hear the beginning of the argument, we only enter midway through - we hear my daddy louldly and angrily saying in his nigerian accent 'we followed the instructions and cook rice to bring for lunch and you singled us out and refused to serve it...' then keith saying 'no that's not the case brother nusu", it's just that in his church we don't eat meat" then my daddy replies "then why didn't anyone tell us that before we went to go and cook a whole pot of food - that is very wicked' keith still tries to calm him down... but my daddy feels like they've deliberately humiliated him. my daddy doesn't give a fuck so he's being loud and so some of this conversatin can be heard by others standing inside the church hall. both their silhouettes and skin tone can be seen through the church windows - (their voices can be heard but maybe their faces will not be shown, just their sihoutettes from elbow upwards can be seen through the translucent or distorted glass window). As I walk over from the doorway where i'd been peeking to go and try and play with the other kids, my daddy's voice can be heard more quietly in the distance and he says 'you don't like africans..' . (Older me is still narrating at this point, saying something along the lines of 'my parents didn't have luck but we didn't have much luck either.." ) my daddy's voice can be heard in the distance as he goes on about africans... Then I try and hang with the kids who stare me up and down and say 'you didn't cream ur errr this morning'.
The lead up to this intertexulaity could be when a Nigerian guy who is gorgeous and i happen to really really like says 'you see the thing about me is that i'm very very spiritual' then I could go off on one about why i'm religious but have doubts etc. And then say 'and not to mention the trauma we experieneecd every saturday morning for 15 years >> the scene abruptly cuts to an intertextuality of my mummy knocking/rattling the hangers on our bunk beds hurriedly as she's wrapped in her wrapper and her hair net, as she rattles the bed, you can see the church clothes we irorned the night before hangin from a hanger on the bunk bed then just like that she flees - then me and E immediately launch into a mini disagreement about who's turn it is to bath first... At church there'll definitely be an obviously gay little kid in the church called "Erroll" or something - basically trying to portray eli.
What annoys me...
I was talking to this guy th eother day. He was really cute but he had the driest lips. I'm talking the skin was flaking off looking like pork scratchings and u just wanna lather it with lip balm. So I reach into my purse for mine and offer it to him...and he REFUSES! That's like if I had snot running down my nose and someone offers me a tissue and I was like 'nah mate, I'm good'.
Scene Christmas poo: (intertextuality):
She's being followed around the playground, OR when she walks past a group of kids and the kids are singing "hanky the christmas poooo" as she walks by. She doesn't get the reference so it doesn't bother her but she knows it means something that's not nice.
The lead up to this could be an episode where she's on a date with a white person or she's talking to a white, well meaning colleague and she's telling them about her childhood and he asks 'what was it like when u came here' and she'll respond with 'ah the kids in my area weren't very nice..' and he'll say 'how?' and she'll say 'they called me names and stuff' (then insert intertextuality).. then he'll say 'awww that mustn't have been nice' and she'll say 'hmm'.
This episode could be called "sticks and stones"
And then I snapped.
Scene Fishy (intertextuality) :
You smell like fish. she smells like fish/(one girl in classroom whispers she smells like fish). OR she walks into the classroom and lizzie the popular girl is finishing off a joke saying '...and she'll bring out her wet fish and slap you across the face with it'. As 'A' walks in they all go quiet and she goes sits down at her desk. She sits there..she over hears them slightly and glances over. But it doesn't quite register that she's the topic, she doesn't realise its her that their talking about... she thinks their being silly and rolls her eyes or looks at them with slight interest and intrigue as if she wants to know what they're talking about but she's also kind of uninterested. Then it cuts to a scene where she comes home from shcool and she's walking into her kitchen and her mum is cooking, and a massive stockfish is sticking out of the pot OR my my mummy says 'I'm cooking soup with stock fish' - this will relate to the scene where her classmates (at her all girls school) talk about the fish slapping. Audience will get the joke, but the gag is that 'A' will remain oblivious to how the fish comments links to the fact that her mum is constantly cooking stock fish soup. Or how her dad comes back from the supermarket and says 'your mummy and i went to the super market we bought plenty of fish' (maybe there'll be a massive pile of fish packets (about 10) on the kitchen counter with reduce markers on it). The audience again will get the joke but 'A' is oblivious. The lead up to this fish intertextuality could be a scene where in the present, she's just had some fish or she refuses to eat fish and when asked why she thinks of this..OR maybe when she's narrating she could mention 'my dad's car smells like fish' he loves stock fish' OR maybe she's travelling on the bus and she sees a nigerian woman's shopping bag in peckham and she can see the tail of stock fish poking out. then she thinks back to it. This episode could be called 'Fishy'
Scene Plum. (intertextuality) : A throws a plum at mr williams... It's sports day, so naturally everyone is more lax than usual and the teachers are getting involved. Everyone is on the field and there's a fruit table with plums, pears bananas etc. mr williams is the fittest teacher that everyone has a crush on, namely 'A's best friend but including A. All the girls are throwing grass on mr williams and he's saying 'alright come on' but also laughing and enjoying the fun. 'A' is particualrly excited, she's laughing lots and see's this as encouragement. In her overexcitement she grabs a plum from the fruit table (close up of her hand grabbing plum) and hurls it at Mr williams who has his back turned to her at the time (the plum travelling and spinning through the air is captured ins low motion wide angle to show plum whizzing past everyone's faces, and also close up, then slow mo of the impact point). As she carries out this act, she has this slightly over excited, deranged look on her face and she's laughing this delirious sort of laugher (camera close ups of her laughing face) like a joke she is privy to (as she's laughing this laugh, the music has stopped and she doesnt seem to realise that others' laughter are tapering off, cos she's so excited about this rare opportunity to engage with mr willians playfully like this) It hits mr williams on the back wiht an audible 'thud' and at this point her laughter changes to an uneasy laugh more when she realises everyone else has stopped laughing and mr willians has now turned around to look at her. Then his previously playful tones suddenly changes to a serious and cross one and he stares at her hard for a few moments before saying 'that's not funny'. she looks on at him sheepishly, embarrassed. The lead up to the intertextuality could be someone saying to 'A' "sometimes you take jokes too far" then 'A' has a flashback to the plum intertexutliaty. This episode will be called 'Plum'