Sammy-jo

Sammy-Jos Life
2017-05-15 08:12:37 (UTC)

The beginning

Before I start writing daily entries I want to tell you a bit about recent events. To explain why, why I'm feeling the way I do, so you know where I was before all of this, and who I was before all of this.
I'm Sammy. I'm 27, one child and one on the way.
Let's take it back to January.
Life was good. Really good. I had my Mr Right, my son, my job. Everything was good. I was happy.
My partner and I were great! We had just had an amazing Christmas spent with our families and children, best time of the year and we were ready to start another year together planning amazing things. We didn't see each other as much as we liked to but our jobs were a massive reason for that. I had worked my way up to Store Manager at Claires. He had worked his way up in his company and I was proud of him, proud of us. We were making our lives better for our children. In the past year our sex life had dwindled, but we were getting back on track and it was good. He was my soul mate and I loved him with every inch of my body.
February- Life was still good. We never made too much of a fuss over Valentine's Day but we still spent time together and I couldn't have been happier with that.
March- Unbeknown to me this month was the start of my whole life being turned upside down. Beginning of the month, he had to go to Liverpool for a few days for a course at work. I missed him like crazy. So when he came home you can imagine how happy I was. I wanted to hug him, hold him, kiss him, fall into bed with him, just be with him. That's exactly what happened.
We hadn't been using birth control for months! Simple reason being I never had time to go and get my pill, or I would forget. He knew that and we had always been careful. We never used protection as such but the 'pull out method' had always worked for us. But this one night when he came home from Liverpool, he didn't pull out. I don't know why, heat of the moment maybe? Guess it's kind of my fault too. He asked me where and I said I don't care.
So there we were laying on the bed, knowing what had just happened and what the consequences could be. I remember trying to make a joke and say 'Well that's due in December, expensive month for you!' It didn't go down well.
After that, we moved on with our lives. It was something that I know was always in the back of our minds but as I had just come off my period, I had to wait at least 3 and a half weeks before it would even show up on a test, so we carried on .
His birthday came round. I spoiled him with a few presents and at the weekend we went out with a few of his friends to football. I'm not a fan of football, but this was the first time I was allowed to come to a match with him and I couldn't wait. The day wasn't what I thought it was going to be. He was distant. He didn't even stand with me during the match. But I didn't want to ruin his day as I always felt he didn't really want me there. Maybe he felt he couldn't be his true football hooligan self with me around? After the game and the long drive home, we all went down the pub to celebrate his birthday with friends. He was distant again. I didn't say anything because this was his night and he was having a laugh with his friends. I didn't want to be hanging off his arm and being a pain. So I just got drunk. Very drunk. At the end of the night we went home and had drunk sex. It was good and for the first time all weekend I felt close to him.
This is the first time I can recall him being distant. I missed the days we would be out drinking and he would be all over me. I longed for that feeling again.
April- Things weren't good. He was miserable. I was miserable because he was miserable. It was time to take a pregnancy test. So I did. It was the clearest, quickest result ever. I showed him and we went over the instructions a few times to make sure we were reading it right. Positive. POSITIVE. I was happy. I wanted him to be happy. But he wasn't. I wanted him to smile and hug me, like you see in the movies, but he didn't. For a minute I thought he was. He spoke to his mum on the phone straight after and came so close to telling her but I told him not to, not yet. We hadn't even talked about it. Then he changed. He went outside and was on the phone for almost an hour talking to his 'friend'. Why couldn't he talk to me? He was as distant as he could ever be and I was distraught. Why would this not be a good time? We had hit a point in our relationship where we were doing well in all aspects of our life, and I didn't want anything more than to build our relationship and build our family. I wanted children with him. I wanted to marry him.
After a few days of thinking what he wanted, he told me his answer. I told him no matter what he decided, that I didn't want to do anything he didn't. That was a mistake. His answer was no. He didn't want it. I was broken. Then it hit me. I did want it. I was not prepared to get rid of a child that I so desperately wanted and my blood boiled. How could he? How dare he? I was angry and I told him I would do it on my own then. I think he was shocked as I'm sure he was expecting me to plan to get rid of it, after all that's what I had told him. But I couldn't, I just couldn't. For him it wasn't the right time because of his career. His career wouldn't have been affected, it would have been mine. No matter what I said I couldn't make him stay. He ran scared and moved back to his mum and dads house.
A few weeks on I begged for him to come home and give us a try. Eventually he did. But he didn't do as promised. He came home. But he didn't try. He didn't have the passion to try anymore. My birthday came around. It was shit. He took me to KFC. And don't get me wrong I love a good KFC, but that was it. That was all I got. I wasn't hoping for tonnes of presents and for him to spend all his wages on me but I wanted him to have put a little bit of effort in. Make it a day about me, like i did for him, but he didn't. Soon after that he ended our relationship over the phone. He had moved all his stuff back out before I even got home. He was gone. And once again I was broken.




Ad: