Akela

Wolves & Wildflowers
2017-05-15 03:19:17 (UTC)

Mother's Day?

I don't really know how to feel about today. I mean, I have three kids that I'm raising and a mom of my own and as far as appreciating mothers goes...today was a bust. I mean, my day was all centered on taking care of the house and kids. So, that's nothing new. I got an off-handed "happy mother's day" from Kiki and the girls. That's about it. Yesterday we did Kiki's birthday party even though it's a week early. It was easier to do it this weekend. Anyway, today was definitely not about me. I mean, I'm not saying it should be, but I didn't feel appreciated at all.

On the other hand, I have a mom and I should wish her "Happy Mother's Day." I did. I got her a card and some chocolate covered strawberries. I mean...I can't afford my for one, but on the other hand it's damn hard to want to celebrate mother's day when you're at odds with your own mom. I mean, everyone on social media is all "my mom is my best friend" blah blah blah. I'm over here like "Nope." I mean, part of me feels guilty. I know my mom loves me. I know I wouldn't be who I am today without her. I know that we have had some good times. I also know that she and I will never see eye to eye. I know that she has narcissistic tendencies and she gaslights me like a motherfucker. I hate that everywhere I turn it's all about children should honor their parents. What about parents behaving in a way in which their children will desire to honor them? Everyone acts like the kid is ungrateful and the "prodigal child" but sometimes the kid has to set boundaries and distance themselves to emotionally protect themselves from their parent. Nobody talks about that part though. I realize that no one is perfect. But sometimes people choose to remain toxic and expect others to be okay with the damage it brings to their lives. I love my mom and I always will but I can't pretend like it's all rainbows and butterflies. I don't have that "Oh-my-God-my-mom-is-the-best-mom-in-the-world" feeling. When she and I argued last week she said I've been giving her the same expression of disappointment since I was eight. I guess I have.

I feel like Finn is annoyed with me lately and honestly I'm kind of pissed off about it all. I bust my ass. I try so damn hard. I take care of three kids, two dogs, a kitten, and a man-child. Okay, so he's not a man-child, but I clean up after him, cook for him, I'm his alarm clock. This is the kind of shit that drives me crazy. I get told not to loose myself in taking care of everyone but if I put me first then everything goes to shit. What the hell??? There is no win. I hate his fucking game. I HATE HIS FUCKING GAME! He wasted 3 fucking hours on it Friday after he'd promised to help me get the house ready for the birthday party. He got frustrated with me because I had seven girls overnight plus all the animals BY MYSELF with no help. The kitten got stepped on and his leg is sore and the dogs got out of the fence. He believes that it's my fault. Yes, there are precautions I could have taken, but if the 4 and 6-year-old girls can follow the simple instructions then why the hell can't the 10-year-olds? It's all fine and dandy to bitch and complain to me when he's at work but when he's here he just gripes at the kids and runs off to the fucking computer. I didn't realize how angry I was until I started writing this. It's just all so built up. He's been kind of condescending to me lately. Acting like "blonde moments" are constantly happening. First of all, I'm not blonde. Second, I'm not dumb. Third, don't fucking talk down to me if I make a mistake. If I screw up talk to me like a person and not like I'm an ignorant nobody.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Finn. I absolutely do. He is a good man. I think he's in a funk and yes I blame that stupid ass game. His obsession with it makes him irritable when anyone interferes. He spends more of his home time either on it or sleeping and then bitches at the rest of us. I'm trying really hard to be diplomatic about it, but I may lose my shit and I really don't want to. I swear, if I was a Hacker I would hack that game and destroy the whole thing. The sad thing is that I wanted to like the story of it for him, but now I can't even like that.

I just need some help. Pray for me or send good vibes or whatever it is that aligns with your beliefs. I could use any good thought, prayer, or positive energy.

I'm turning in my stuff for the Honors College tomorrow. Wish me luck.

~Akela




Ad: