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She Goes on a Tangent (Again)
"No Moon on the Water" by Magnolia Electric Co.
No moon on the water
The way i’m acting it’s no wonder
The blues come and I can’t outrun ‘em
I ain’t foolin’ me
I ain’t foolin’ no one
I have to work hard to suffer alone
I have to work hard to be so alone
Don’t like half of who I’ve been
But I’ve kept my promises to all of them
Tie my wings behind my back
Cut out my eyes and baby fill ‘em with lead
Cut off my head and put the black mule’s there
And trade my heart for a fire
Fill my bones with the grey wolf’s ghost
Face us to the shore
Give me one single reason to live
To try anymore
And it don’t have to be good
It don’t have to be good
May 14, 2017 Sunday 12:28 PM
"Galileo, who held a scientific truth of great importance, abjured it with the greatest ease as soon as it endangered his life. In a certain sense, he did right. That truth was not worth the stake. Whether the earth or the sun revolves around the other is a matter of profound indifference. To tell the truth, it is a futile question. On the other hand, I see many people die because they judge that life is not worth living. I see others paradoxically getting killed for the ideas or illusions that give them a reason for living (what is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying)..." – p. 4, Albert Camus, An Absurd Reasoning, "The Myth of Sisyphus and other essays"
I am feeling large. Not fat, haha. Just... expanded. Y'know, there are those days I feel smaller than a pinhole, can't think beyond immediacy if even that. But today, I've got a lack of anxiety on my side, I've got 17 hours of sleep in my pocket (shit yes. I went to sleep at fuckin' 4 or 5 PM last night and didn't wake up til 9 today), I've got faith that I'll make a space for myself somewhere because I don't have the kind of stupid energy to put up with misery. Sometimes I wonder if this is a good or a bad thing. On one hand, it saves me a lot of suffering. On the other, it makes it so I can barely handle the things that most people can shrug off easily. So, what am I, weak or efficient? Or is it both?
Maybe it's how they say it is with, like. Speed-dial. "They" being... old people? They're all like, "Kids these days don't remember phone numbers..." and "kids these days don't know this or that 'cause they can use The Google to look it up" whereas Back In The Day ya had to be savvy in all kinds of subjects in order to get through life. You had to be real knowledgeable. But now, you can skip all that and focus on a single subject and still survive all right. It's good and it's bad, I say. Worst case scenario, you die 'cause you didn't know something you should've. Best case, you're successful 'cause you used that extra space to learn something more useful in the modern world.
So, cool, I'm good and I'm bad, I'm weak but I'll be fine. I'll weasel my way out of stupid situations because I'm used to recognizing the signs, avoiding the pain that I for some reason can't bear. Either I was born sensitive or I've just failed to expose myself to the world... Who cares.
So today, today, today... I am expanded. I am risen. I am somewhere above all of... all of you guys. Maybe. Hell, I don't know where you are. Maybe you're way out in space. Maybe you're a cosmic ray. Oh, cool. Shit. That'd be cool. If you were sentient, I mean. Or would it be boring? I mean, you're just kinda going through space... bein' a ray.... I guess time wouldn't mean the same thing to you as it does to me though, would it? Jesus Christ, I am untethered. I keep having to gather up the lines... and pull my mind back. It keeps floating off. Sometimes I feel like I'm still dreaming. And by "sometimes," I mean a lot. A lot of the time, I feel like I've got half a foot stuck in the dream world.
I would totally cackle right now if I didn't feel like it'd be kind of pointless and fake. Do you understand this? Perhaps that statement needed some explaining. Hah. Well, whatever.
Pet peeve (I have to write about it so it will stop bothering me so much):
When people think they know something about me and they really don't. Will explain later.
Friday was prom with Chris. Prom was fine, I guess. I was super fuckin' anxious the whole time so I kind of experienced these rapid fluctuations of "oh my god I have no friends" and "FuCKKK it." I mean, my whole mind was on the side of Who The Fuck Cares? but my anxiety doesn't listen to my mind. It likes to worry about shit that doesn't matter. It likes to notice subtleties in social behavior. It likes to twist those subtleties into something relevant and usually deflating. Deflating? Deflating... of my self-esteem.... Fuck sentences... Don't care...
After prom, Chris brought me to his house and gave me some clothes to change into and then we went to some lake to hang out with his friends. One of his friends is actually Laney's cousin, who recognized me because I go to his grandma's house sometimes haha. That was kinda weird. He was cute. And not like Laney in lots of ways. This is neither a good nor a bad thing. Just different.
Chris actually had a couple of cute friends. He advertises his small town as being full of hicks, but his buddies are really smart.... Being around them revived my fascination with Boy Culture. I mean, Jesus Christ. They made tons of homoerotic jokes (and in case this needed to be said, they never bashed gay people... unless you count Chris's blind friend, who I will call Dill, walking onto the scene by saying "WHAT'S UP FAGGOTS." But I mean, the group is very quick to assure everyone that Dill is a terrible person and Dill doesn't deny it.)
But, okay. Even with all the jokes, they were still kinda touchy about gay-ness... One of the kids was like, "Oh, man, I heard something about NiceGuy today that, like... totally changed my opinion of him... I mean, he's a nice guy and everything but I can't look at him the same.."
"What was it?"
"Oh, dude, you don't wanna know..."
Eventually, the kid ended up confessing that NiceGuy's girlfriend didn't wanna have sex so instead she fingered his asshole. They were so grossed out by that! I was so confused. I didn't know that was super gross. I mean, I am not the most well-versed in sex and sex-related things, lol, but I figure sex is a kind of.... an open thing?? Like, the whole thing is disgusting so who cares if you bring an asshole into it (maybe I'm just naive). As long as it's clean... There were like seven boys there. I wanna bet at least one of 'em will voluntarily have something in their ass (for sexual purposes) at some point in the future.
I was admiring the faces of a couple of Chris's friends. Some pretty boys, they were. And tall. Not as tall as Chris, luckily, but still noticeably taller than me. Being teenagers, they're also kind of wiry, which I find cute depending on the person. I was quiet for most of the night because their banter was so fuckin' high quality. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to compete 'cause I'm pretty dumb actually, which I forget sometimes.
They started playing with fireworks at some point, which was also really fucking fun. Boys are so reckless, Jesus Christ... At some point, one of the kids got scared so after the firework was lit he dropped it on the ground and yelled, "Run!"... Only nobody heard him haha. So he and the other kid were bolting. One of 'em fell and was then hit by a burning projectile... And then we all ran. I was like the last one to realize we had to run. Something exploded above my head I think. That was pretty cool. Probably dangerous as fuck, but I don't think any of us were close to death at any point.
As I was watching the fireworks, I was kind of curled up 'cause it was fucking freezing out. Chris said, "Sorry if we're scaring you."
I shook my head and said, "I'm not scared. I'm excited," but it came out kind of quiet 'cause I hadn't spoken in a while and I forget that I'm human when that happens. Laney's cousin was sitting in a chair next to me when I said this and he just kind of laughed and said, "She's definitely scared." This annoyed me. It is a pet peeve of mine, when people assume my feelings towards things/situations. Especially when they assume fear or discomfort. I'm sorry but I am rarely afraid or uncomfortable of/around the things you'd expect me to be afraid of/around.
I am uncomfortable around new people. I am afraid of spiders. I am uncomfortable with vulnerability and sexual situations. I am afraid of... some other abstract concepts probably. Fireworks, though? No. Did yiu assume I was scared 'cause I was shivering? It was fucking cold! Was it 'cause I was quiet? I'm shy!!!! I'm more scared of you than I am of the fucking exploding shit! Was it because you think your friends are unique? You're not the only kids who do crazy stupid stuff! I have been around other insane boys before. The fireworks were a new addition, though.
Oh, and adding to the pet peeve. Liv did the same thing earlier that day. Chris was on his way to my house to pick me up, so I was all ready for prom and brushing off the compliments I got from Lily and Laney and Liv, who were all at my house. Liv then looked at me, smiled all slyly and was like, "I think you're secretly enjoying this."
I malfunctioned for a second. There was a bunch of: #%T&@*&*&#(*$(@
First anger. Then, wait, is she right? Third, no.
I told her that while I like getting compliments, I felt extremely self-conscious and I was most definitely not enjoying the moment. Which I really, honest-to-god, was not. I felt really fat in that dress. I just wanted to cover myself up in a sweater in jeans like usual. Plus, I felt my dress drew too much attention to me and I don't like attention. I slouch too much too, and I felt too tall in my heels. My make-up and hair was nice, but again, I could've done without everything else. I hate being looked at... Plus, I felt really nervous about going to a school with people I didn't know. Paranoia snuck up on me. It was all, people are going to say you look like a toddler, they are going to say you look fat, they are going to think you're weird, all kinds of dumb juvenile stuff like that. Adults make fun of these kinds of thoughts. They are very teenager-y (I forgot I'm not 17 anymore, lol. Still a teenager, but not 17). Well, fuck u, they still fuck a girl up, okay? I know they're dumb, but they're there, being annoying and tugging on my sleeves, beggin' for my goddamn attention. I'd drown them in the bath tub if I could.
I just don't like it when people think I'm not being honest, I guess. I try my hardest to be honest. If I'm not honest, it's probably an accident. But in both of these cases, I was telling the truth. What annoys me more is that I think other people would probably come to the same conclusion as Liv and that other kid if they were observing me. If Alexis were with Liv, she'd probably agree that I was enjoying myself and I'd feel as if I were missing something. Even now, I'm wondering... Was I enjoying the attention? Again, I really liked the compliments—not the situation.
Sorry, this is kind of a dumb thing to ponder but I can figure it out, it saves me trouble on future dilemmas too. Am I being defensive or do I have a genuine reason to be annoyed? Maybe I'll ask Alexis later. It's not like the question is ruining my life or anything. It's just kinda knockin' around in there, u feel.
I got home from prom at 4 AM yesterday and went to sleep about an hour and a half after that. And then I woke up at 10. I felt fine for a while, but then I got really sluggish so I went to sleep at like 4 or 5 PM and bam woke up at 9 AM. Keeko slept with me all night. She is so cute. Purring.
I had some deep dreams that led me to some emotional breakthroughs. I've kind of forgotten most of them. Ethan was there, I think. I love Ethan and he is scary. Both he and Mr. Sandwich remind me a lot of Rick from Rick and Morty. And I guess in that case, I always feel a bit like Morty (although being Morty would be a step up from who I actually am to them).
I mean, I can never tell what either of them are thinking. I just know their minds are miles ahead of mine. They are way smarter, way sharper, and I am no match for that. I just kind of hitch along for the ride and love them unconditionally because I want to BE them, so bad. I shouldn't want to be Ethan 'cause Ethan's fucked up, but he's also a genius. He can see so much that I can't... He lives life without giving a fuck about consequences. Mr. Sandwich says when Ethan was his student/buddy, he was worried he was gonna get fired every day! That's what it's like being with Ethan, according to the stories (I'm mostly around the tamer side). He's always living on the very edge.
Mr. Sandwich is different from Ethan in that way. He is mellow. He gives a fuck about the future, but he's still not a complete rule-follower (unless the risk is too high). He'll cut corners if he knows he can. And the thing is, I don't think I'd ever have the guts to be like this so I admire his behavior.
I just.. wish I could live like they do, have their sense of humor and their strength and their perspective. Again, I know they aren't perfect but I'd love to be on their level or just close to it if it meant I could be near them more often. I mean, I love Mr. Sandwich to deathhhhh. I just want him to love me back. But I think he finds me quite dull, which I guess I would too if my mind were preoccupied with what his is preoccupied with. Instead, I am young and caught up in myself and I can't quite measure up. I just accept his humor (which I love) and let him poke fun at me, which is really all I can offer him in return for allowing me to keep him company sometimes. I think he likes Adrian more than he likes me, 'cause at least Adrian is funny, y'know? I'm not even that. So when he and Adrian hang out alone, they can talk about shit and it's fine. But me and Sandwich never have anything to talk about because I'm terrified of him and he seems to sense that... or something. There must be a reason he gets so quiet. I am just not engaging enough.
The same goes with Ethan. I can spend time with Ethan when someone else is also present, but it can't ever be just me and him. I am not enough. And the thing with Ethan is he's so volatile that I'm kind of even more terrified to speak than I am with Sandwich. I don't want to offer an opinion that he'll snap into a million pieces. I mean, I don't care about the opinion so much—I care that he will think less of me. Not that he thinks much of me now. I am Caroline's little sister, probably. I think Sandwich thinks of me the same way. The little sister.
I'm not jealous of Caroline. People have expected me to be jealous of her because she's prettier and smarter and generally more talented... But, I dunno. I have a really good relationship with her. I feel as if I'm her equal. So even when Caroline's seen as more, I don't really need to think I'm less because I know Caroline doesn't believe that. So yeah, I'm not jealous of her standing with Sandwich or Ethan. I'm really just thankful that I get the chance to be near them at all. I feel like I don't deserve it. They are giants.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Didn't mean to worship them or anything, haha. But you know how it is. Sometimes you meet some people that are so high above you—and even after observing them for a while, they don't descend to your level. I love them so much and I do not expect anything in return. Just a vague hope that I can maybe understand them a bit better with time.