rayner

My journal
2017-05-08 23:32:06 (UTC)

Seventeen

Star gazing, store walking, and playing in the rain were some of my favorite funs with him. My most cherished memories. He asked me why I killed it. I told him I didn't know when truthfully I do. I wasn't ready to commit to a long term relationship. Yeah, the whole marriage thing was my idea. But I got scared. I suddenly realized I wasn't as ready as he was. I was also stupid, and everyone around me kept asking why I was with him when I could do so much better. Yeah, he wasn't - isn't - the best looking guy. Yeah, he was loud and sometimes obnoxious and annoying. Yeah, he had a job as a painter but slept on the living room sofa or crashed at my older brother's house. But I liked him. Heck, I may have loved him even back then. I wish I had just blocked everyone out and stayed with him. He actually got me out of the house, even if it was just for a few minutes. He never failed to put a smile on my face or make me laugh (which, honestly, isn't hard to do). I doubt I'm ever going to be in another relationship. It's been almost five years and only one guy has shown any interest in me. But exactly how many guys will actually wait around for me to be comfortable enough to talk to them? Not very many. Most guys want a girl who's easy to talk to. Most guys wouldn't be willing to wait for a girl like me to come out of her shell.


He told me I didn't have to answer why I killed our fun, our little piece of happiness. I could easily blame it on my sister. She was the one who, whenever I was alone with her, would tell me she didn't trust him. Was it the story he told everyone when we first meet, about how he was once convicted of murdering a guy who killed his pregnant wife? I never believed that story because he's the same age as me, only five months older. We were both around eighteen years old (?) when we meet. And if that story had been true, if he had really killed a guy, he would have still been in prison, right? Or maybe my sister didn't​ trust him because she thought he was going to rape me. She somehow got a hold of his journal (or maybe I gave it to her, I don't remember) and I guess some things he wrote sounded off to her. (I just read the part where he was asking me if we could make Jeffrey that night. I told him I was tired, but really I didn't want to because I was self-conscious of being naked in front of him. And now the memories of us trying to fornicate in the back woods are resurfacing. Oh no, nope, the memory of the time my brother walked in on us in my bedroom just came back. I was trying to repress that memory, brain!) I don't really know why my sister didn't trust him. He never forced me into anything. Anything sexual we did was purely consensual. I wanted a baby back then. I really did. But I was nervous and - like I said - self-conscious. I'd never been involved with a man sexually (and haven't been since). I didn't know what to expect. I knew it was going to hurt the first time. I knew there would be blood. Someone told me once as a way to scare me into staying a virgin.... But I digress. The only person I can blame for killing our fun, our little piece of happiness, is and will always be me. For whatever reason, I wanted out of our relationship. I didn't regret it back then like I do now. I feel like that's always going to be one of my biggest regrets.

Those memories of us slow dancing to When You Look Me In The Eyes (he'd have one earbud, I'd have the other), play fighting over a brick to stand on, him sneaking into my bedroom window so we could secretly spend the night together, calling each other a Hufflepuff... I've been reminiscing a lot lately. I get a lump in my throat and an urge to crawl back in time and relive my favorite moments with him. I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever came into my life. Maybe it didn't work out with my brother-in-law's friend for a reason. Maybe that was the universe's way of telling me "wrong guy, not yet". I'm not gonna lie I'm still jealous of the girl he chose over me. Hard not to be after he showed interest in me for over three years. But my ex has always been there for me. It's a lot easier talking to my ex than it was talking to my brother-in-law's friend. I don't think me and my ex will ever get back together anyway, though who knows.




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