Darkcrow

Beatrice
2017-05-08 00:08:57 (UTC)

Recent Keith Related Thoughts

I suppose it's due to the lack of communication between Keith and I. I'm just...I miss him. I guess. I've been thinking about him all day. Even when I'm not thinking about Keith, I fucking thinking about Keith. It's crazy.

I woke up thinking about the abuse. I don't want to call it that but that's kind of what it is. Right? That time he choked me and slapped me. That was...I don't know. I want to say it's unforgivable. But if I truly want to be with him, I need to forgive that action. I need to forgive him for cheating on me, hitting me, and...hm...I don't know what to call the last thing.

I don't think that I've ever talked about it or let anyone know about it. Anyways it was when Keith told me that he got off on my fear of him during sex. I kind of wonder what happened to him. I mean, he used to stop and make sure that I wanted to have sex with him but now it never happens. He never asks, he never makes a move, we...I don't think we have any passion.

Even when we went to the hotel, there wasn't much to it. Just sex and a movie. We could have done that at his house. No joke. We also slept together but we didn't cuddle. We didn't cuddle when we went to sleep. We also didn't go to the beach like I wanted and we barely talked. We just stayed naked and had sex. But you also have to keep in mind that we weren't there for very long.

So I'm hoping that I get to spend a lot more intimate time with Keith this summer. Especially since we haven't actually spent time communicating since he got back from his vacation. I mean, it has improved but it's not great either. I should send him a nude tomorrow. That'll make him pay more attention to me. But I also have to remember that I should have to please him sexually for him to pay attentio to me. Although, that is the best way that works.

Today, I was kind of mopey because Keith went to prom last night. He had a lot of fun. I keep thinking of Kevin Hart when he says that women don't want their men to have fun without them. And honestly I want Keith to be able to have the time of his life even when I'm gone. But I also want to share the best of memories with him. Last night was one of those nights.

He slow danced with his "date" (not really a date), they announced them together as king and queen, he went to a party with his date, and he was drinking. He doesn't do any of that around me. Like none at all. He just ugh, I'm actually really glad he had fun. But I just...I wish I could have been there to share that.

Like..I mean, we could have last year, but we got last. We only got there just in time to hear the prom king and queen last year. It's kind of frustrating. This year he didn't go there late, he actually got to dance, and he went to party afterwards and got to drink and have fun. Seriously, I just, I couldn't...I can't compare to that night. Maybe I could try to make up for it?

I feel so inadequate. I told Amber earlier today and he she said this jealousy wasn't healthy. She basically said I have nothing to worry about because Keith and I have had more fun these past few years than they did that one night. And the thing is, I'm not sure we have. She also told me not to worry because I love Keith and Keith loves me. I think I'll talk to him about this tomorrow. It will help. But then again, it's kind of like, why even ask? He's only going to tell me what I want to hear. I'll talk to him about that too then. Only to get this uncertainty out of my head. But for now, I suppose I'll just get some rest.




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