2017-05-07 14:32:58 (UTC)

I've Been Reading Too Many Medical Records

"Germs" by Acetone

I'll never be what you want me to be but
There's so much you'll never know

I'm wasting time that was not always mine
There is so much that comes and goes
But you'll never know

3:33 PM

On Friday, we went to the city to visit the UN headquarters. It was okay. I hate field trips, honestly, and this one was the absolute worst. And not just because it was pouring out (my shoes were soaked through to the sock all day).

It made me realize that I can't wait to escape New Visions. I mean, I love the school work but I don't have any friends there. Sarah was my friend, very briefly, but then she got weird and shrank away because I kept getting the things she wanted by accident. She doesn't ignore me anymore at least. She's very nice when we do talk, which I do appreciate because I've always liked talking to Sarah. She makes me feel like a little less of a weirdo.

Chris is my friend too, but he's also friends with most other kids in the program so he can just wander around comfortably and I have to try really hard not to cling to him. I don't even want to cling to him 'cause, as is natural, I get annoyed or bored with him sometimes and I want my space.

There is this group of girls that are very nice that sit across the room and I thought maybe they'd take me under their wing, but I was wrong. I tried approaching and I tried inserting myself into their conversations (tastefully, mind you. Years of GAD have at least graced me with some social awareness), but this only worked temporarily. They know each other too well. Anytime I approach, they end up chatting about inside jokes, picking up previous lines of conversation, their sense of humor all lined up with one another's, ready to go. I wait for words to come to me, but mostly they don't. This kind of social effort drains me very quickly, so I have to retreat within an hour unless I want to become a real-life turtle.

Oh, yeah. These girls that I spoke about in the above paragraph: they were annoying me on the NYC trip on Friday. I was in their safety group (AKA a group to make sure we didn't get lost/get kidnapped/die/etc. while wandering around the city during free time) along with Chris, Wallace, and Birdy.

(Recap: Birdy goes to my high school. He is in a different New Visions program, which is more about STEM stuff. He's going to MIT next year and I'm not even surprised... anyway, yeah, this field trip was for New Visions classes so he was on it).

Birdy and the girls kept forming this tight little group where they talked and joked around with each other while shielding themselves from the rest of the world, which really irritated me because for at least half the time, Chris was occupied with his other friends from the STEM program and Wallace had wandered off somewhere. Wallace tried to talk to me sometimes, since she is also friendless, but I would fall silent unexpectedly mostly because I was exhausted and I'd had a pre-migraine headache all day. So, yeah, that little group crushed my soul by ignoring me that day.

Birdy is such an asshole (no, he's probably not). I used to have a mini-crush on him (mostly on his physical beauty since I don't b knowin' his personality), and I had this idea that because he was so quiet, he must be different somehow... I don't mean to imply sameness everywhere else. Except for I guess that's what I'm doing, haha. What I mean is, I have for the most part experienced the same things with popular kids. They have rarely been mean to me, although it has happened. Sometimes they use me just as a little prop in their lives, a person to converse with when they're bored or someone to drag into conversation when they feel like it and throw back out when they realize I suuuuccckkk. Most of the time, they are on completely separate planets from mine. We just can't connect. We don't have the same interests, the same concerns. This is a generalization, but well... YEah, it's generally true. I don't have any "popular" friends, except for maybe Jax but we're barely friends and he's a weirdo stoner kinda popular, I guess. Yeah, no. I have never been friends with anyone popular. Even when I was friends with Marina, she wasn't popular. The more popular she became, the less we had in common, the less we talked.

Oh wait, Liv is popular. But I feel like that's different somehow. And besides, I always get kinda bored when she talks about all her friend-group drama, y'know? Sometimes it's okay, but when it's about like Birdy or something, it's kinda laaaame. Birdy is one of these popular people with whom I have little in common. I don't understand how Liv can talk to these people half the time. They can get so boring. Not because they ARE boring, but just... they're just so hard to talk to, okay? Maybe it's actually me who is hard to talk to. It's probably me.


Wallace was probably a little crushed by the whole being-ignored thing too, which is why I am probably gonna hang out with her the rest of the year because she at least seems the most reliable.

That's an awful way to characterize someone. "Reliable." Like I'm only going to her because I know she'll accept me. But that's kind of the truth. I do like Wallace (I kind of suspect she has a crush on me, to be honest. I catch her staring at me during class sometimes. I don't really mind, though; it's not like she expects anything from me, unlike SOME people *coughghhghgisaaccougghghh*). But I dunno, Wallace just annoys me because of how easily I see through some parts of her.

Jesus, I hate myself for what I'm about to say, but I can't really kid myself. I believe??? I am?? Good at?? Seeing through people's bullshit. And Wallace has some bullshit. She was probably picked on a bit when she was little or something. She probably struggles a lot 'cause she has bipolar disorder. OK, she never explicitly SAID she has bipolar disorder, but she did her first research project on oxidative stress in bipolar disorder, she revealed her aunt or something has bipolar disorder (bipolar disorder is strongly hereditary), and just a couple days ago, she told me she was on "like three different medications" that make her skin sensitive to the sun (she had been making a joke about how easily she is sunburned). This medication could be for headaches or allergies or something, but with how much emphasis she puts on mental illness, I think that's probably not likely. As another supporting point, I've noticed that Wallace is frequently drawn towards things that reflect her own features... that's vague. Hold on, lemme give you an example. So the other day, we were walking through a store and she stopped to look at some sort of rainbow thing, can't remember. It might've even had an LGBTQ thingy on it. Wallace is gay, so she I wasn't surprised by her attraction to this because I'd seen her do the same thing before in other places with other items. Uhhhmm, I think that example was slightly less vague than my original statement??? Point is, she also pays special attention to mental health which leads me to believe that she is immediately affected by a mental illness.

Plus, in November/December, Wallace was absent for like three weeks. Ruth wouldn't tell us where Wallace was, just that she was in the hospital. Even if Wallace was in the hospital for Lyme disease, Ruth probably wouldn't disclose this just because privacy reasons, but I'm going to take a leap anyways and say that Wallace could have been staying in a mental institution during an episode while psychiatrists attempted to adjust her medication levels. I mean, it has happened before. I was hospitalized with a girl who was experiencing this exact thing. She kept experiencing suicidal thoughts out of nowhere, so she voluntarily committed herself to the hospital just to be safe and all that.

Even without the hospital, I know Wallace has at least experienced depression. She has also never said this, but her writing makes that obvious. I dunno, Wallace is actually very transparent. She is in pain, she obviously wants to talk about it, to confess her darker secrets to someone, only no one cares enough to get that close. I'm sure if we talked a little more, if I talked about being on medication, Wallace would easily talk about her own experiences. Actually, I might just try this out to see if I'm right.

Wallace is smart. She knows... a fantastical number of things about a wide range of subjects. Socially, she is not as adept. She has a way of talking with faux-confidence that everyone can see through so instead of disarming the room, it kind of just makes people more wary of her. Like, they become suspicious of her tone. It almost sounds superior, which means listeners will take on a more defensive position and any time Wallace does anything, their judgments are 90% (Actual Statistics from urs trooly) more likely to be critical.

The first time I met her, I immediately disliked her (against my inner voice's advice). She seemed like a brown-noser, with her unnecessary add-on comments showing off how much she already knows about a subject and her stilted try-hard jokes. Plus, she wore weird clothes sometimes... Neon blue leggings, big chunky black boots and a black dress with a lacy covering falling down the back like a Halloween costume of some Gothic princess from a failed Cartoon network show. Damn. That was a long sentence and I apologize for that, especially since it wasn't even that funny. But it's true, she did kind of look like a goth cartoon network character.

I only started to like her when we went on the first field trip of the year and I sat next to her the entire bus ride there and back. Wallace was kind and easy to talk to and more humble than she seems at a glance. She's still kind of weird in a way I can't really place. There is a touch to her sense of humor that annoys me more than it makes me laugh, and it's the kind of annoyance that I know will lead to the core of her being. A flaw in her personality. At least in my eyes, it's a flaw.

I'm still gonna be more friendly towards Wallace than other people, I think. She deserves a friend after a whole year alone. Not that I'm doing it for that. I could've pretended that I am, but I want to be honest. I'm sticking with Wallace so that I have someone to talk to. But she benefits as well, so yay.

I wish I was a better person.

And, wow! I should probably Chill on skimming those fuckin' medical records at my internship, aahah. It has made it so that I want to work on specific parts of my People Analysis Skills. Specifically, real objectivity (AKA less mention of myself and my own feelings towards the subject) and descriptions of behavioral ticks rather than just interpretations of the behavioral data, which is what I did above.