LustingforNightmares

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2017-05-07 13:53:32 (UTC)

I am...!!!


"Montgomery" by Magnolia Electric Co.

All my doubt my life has measured out
And it’s taken my hat at the door
All my reasons for wanting less
And all yours for not needing more
Stops my breath and my heart in time
No want, no waste and no fight

May 7, 2017 Sunday 3:02 PM

A couple of days ago, I got a package in the mail from my grandparents for my birthday. My mom said it was mostly junk they were trying to get rid of (but still nice junk, she said) but I dunno, it was sentimental stuff and I don't mind it. After going through the box, I've realized that my grandpa probably did most of the gift-picking and gift-wrapping, which makes me wonder how exactly damaged my grandma is after suffering a stroke last summer. Or was it in the fall? I think it was in the fall. I think Mom told me about it on the way back from the dentists. At the same time, I remember holding grocery bags and I feel like I was heading back to Polly's, which would've placed the timeline at mid-August.

Not that it matters, ugh. She had a stroke and I don't think she ever recovered fully. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Grandma lives very far away; her absence is something I am used to. I don't even think about her every day. I'll probably feel sad and guilty when she dies, because in the end I do love her. She is family. But she is also not close and physical proximity matters to me. I'm not strong enough to maintain relationships through distance no matter how deeply they run. And to be honest, extended familial relationships aren't that deep. It's more like, hey this is someone you have to love for the rest of your life!

Agh. Not point, not point, not the point. My lungs are tired and it's raining again.

Well, I liked the gifts I got. My grandpa sent me this very pretty rock. It's polished, dark green with orange speckles, and heart-shaped. No idea what kinda stone it is. He promised it to me last summer, which is when he apparently realized I was a real person that he should probably start loving before it got too late. Yeaaaah he didn't really pay any attention to me before I turned 17... the catalyst to his change in heart being an e-mail I sent to my grandma in which he was, I guess, exposed to the inNER WORkINGS of mY MinD via my writing which led him to be all "I had no idea u were so kool" only he did not say it quite like that.

This is all right, I guess, except for that I feel as if I am getting his attention for the wrong reasons... And I feel like they don't give Caroline this much attention which bothers me because Caroline is my role model, my supporter. I would not have been able to do any of this without her. People don't give her enough credit for her success.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. Other gifts in the box were: some glittery thinking putty, a wine opener thing with a top made of a blue polished stone that's all swirly and beautifullll.... a little token with the Beatles insignia on it... a hanky with a B on it (for my family name)... a hundred dollars that grandpa requested I put into a savings account (Kool!)...And a little box of book plates from my grandma. I really like those and I think they'll be very useful, especially since I like to let people borrow my books.

Grandpa wrote me a letter explaining the significance of each item. In reference to the rock, he said it is for moments in which I stand up and say, "I am..!!"

My heart is beating like I drank coffee but I haven't had caffeine since. Since. Since? Since Thursday, when I had a migraine, but before that it was a couple weeks free I think...


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