All that is
Apparently it doesn't matter how he treats me. My desire takes precedence. Apparently. Because even after the treatment i received last night, the kind of treatment that should get his ass kicked and humiliated by someone stronger than him, even after that I can't help myself from fantasising about the things we did. The places he put his mouth and his hands, that swag that he carried around. I don't understand it and i'm trying. Is it that I like that feeling of being coerced? maybe coerced is a funny word for it. Not the right word. maybe more like coaxed. that feeling of being at the mercy of someone's sexual desire. He kept saying things like:
'no one will have to know it'll only be between the three of us'
''you'll have the best time' '
'you know you'll like it'
'look how wet you are i know you want to'
'i can see how turned on you are at the thought of it'
I think i'm getting wet just thinking about it. that grey area between consent and gentle coercion, and desire fucks me up. That's what's making me think of him right now. He was too sexy. and apparently that takes precedence over my own dignity. but even that in itself is sexy - I think there's something about t hat feeling of slight debasement - being emotionally and sexually vulnerable to this person. Fuck i'm not even makign any sense.
I suspect that the effects of my daddy's behaviour are manifesting themselves in ways I've not seen before. Of course, this wouldn't be the first time I've been with a guy who's made me feel slightly compromised but back then there were many other factors involved - emotions were involved, attachment etc. So that's understandable. But with lee? I don't understand it. We met on Friday night. I came home with him and we had sex. It was the sexiest yet, I have to say. The circumstances, and the act itself. But it was cut short, and so I left feeling dissatisfied and frustrated. So I chased it some more. And we met again sunday night, i canme to his house, he wasn't there. he was still on set. i took a taxi.
Fuck i don't know what the fuck i s wrong with me. Why do i still want this guy who treated me like shit?? Literally like shit - no consideration for my feelings or what i was comfortable with?? I don't get it. Is it that I like the idea of that challenge of 'changing' someone? or I like the idea of being in the 'favour' of someone who is capable of treating someone like that - as long as he doesn't treat me like that? I wonder this because I remember when cm told me about his experience in a strip club where he got a dance from a stripper. He said he wasn't supposed to touch them but she didn't mind so he did. And he started fingering her. and the way he told the story - belittling her, saying he didn't want to finger her cos he knew he'd have to chop his fingers off aferwrads, but he did. THat way he spoke about her turned me on as much as the story itself. because it had that element of satisfying one's desire throuhg the debasement and powerlessness of another person. I don't mean powerless as in tied up (although that's sexy too) but powerless as in mentally. Fuck what's wrong with me?