LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-04-30 10:32:38 (UTC)

In Which I Love Myself

"Carrot Rope" by Pavement
Simmer, simmer, simmer down
Simmer, simmer, simmer down
Don't waste your precious breath
explaining that you are worthwhile

April 30. 2017 Sunday 11:34 AM

This is a beautiful day, I think. I had a weird dream which was probably fucked up, but I have forgotten it and now all that's left is the nice fifty degree weather and the flat white sky. Which might not sound particularly nice. And y'know, sometimes I get tired of the white sky. I wish it'd just be sunny or cloudy or something other than Nothing. But today, it's okay 'cause I can hear kids screaming outside (in a good way lol) and I can smell my mom's cooking wafting up the stairs. It reminds me of summer.

I feel very pretty today. I got a prom dress a couple days ago. It's all rosy pink or something, I dunno. I was looking at myself in the mirror with the dress on, sorta fidgeting, and I said to my mom, "I hate wearing dresses."

This woman sitting on a bench near another dressing cubicle turned towards me and told me I looked beautiful. Her daughter, who was there to try on wedding dresses, agreed and said the color really suited my complexion. That was really nice to hear.

Also, a few days before that, Alexis pretty much showered me with compliments. We were sitting on a grass margin between the high school and middle school after school (so menny skools) and she said, "Oh, yeah. Veronica. I feel like everyone I talk to has had a crush on you at some point. I'll be talking to someone and they'll just be like, 'Oh, yeah, Veronica? I used to have a crush on her.'"

I laughed and was all, "Yo, I cannot comprehend that."

Alexis tried to explain it to me. She was all like, you're pretty and smart and weird. She ended up comparing me--"no offense"--to an ugly kid who grows up pretty but still thinks they're ugly. "You don't know how pretty you are."
Alexis also used to have a mini-crush on me! I didn't know this haha. Apparently it went away when she and Adrian were talking about it and she realized Adrian's crush on me was waaaay more serious.

Point is, I feel very nice and beautiful and happy. I know where my life is going.... for the next few months at least, which is more than I could say at the beginning of the year, so yay!!! Things are good and I am happy.

Plus I am enjoying my mentorship at the neuropsychiatrists office. Did I even tell you that was happening? It's happening. I feel so disconnected. It's hard to stay balanced. To keep what I want while in pursuit of other things that I also want haha. God daaaayum it.

C ya.


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