Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-04-27 16:59:28 (UTC)

Decisions Formed...

I have now had some time to relax and think out the situation with first love. Given the contours of what has occurred between us, if he should care to still be in my life, then a renegotiation of roles is in order. First, if he ghosts, I'll not go after him, either now nor later. I don't have time and space in my life to pursue those who wish to be away from me. If he should wish to stay, I find his current perch as a love interest with issues, untenable. Since it has become clear that I do not know the current him, I would start over classifying him as an acquaintance. Then see where it leads me. But I find his familiarity with me unnerving considering that I know almost nothing about him. The declarations of love, lust and the rest of it should cease until we both know one another well. Also I need to see that he is working on his issues and that what occurred is not his modus operandi. There was a great deal of strain between us in the last few weeks, so I will allow that such stress brought out the truly ugly in each of us.


I feel I have more solid footing now that the blush of romance has worn off. I am wary, as we should both be, of being thrust back into destructive patterns. I have also had enough space to understand how much he has changed over the years and how I want to deal with the new him from here forward, if there is a forward. I cannot say yet if I feel there should be a future in which we relate to one another. Perhaps we are two chemicals best left unmixed so as to not become volatile. Perhaps there is a way to combine in a manner safe for both of us. Maybe we should attempt a friendship instead of a relationship. I really don't know if it is even something I need to worry about above and beyond knowing myself and my needs.

With the deadline looming I feel okay in not knowing what he will choose to do. I think I have a better grasp on the bit he may yet play in my life and how much effort and space I am willing to give him. My lava has cooled to rock and I find my footing much easier.




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