LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-04-27 14:40:35 (UTC)

I am Sad


"Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you wanna do once
You find them

April 27, 2017 Thursday 3:41 PM

I could feel it coming on a day or two before my birthday. Now I am just sad. It is, as usual, not conscious. I know only because I never want to be alone with myself—I never want time to think. And because I stare out into space a lot, and I wish people would ask me what's wrong (so I can say 'nothing' lololol), all that crap. Sandwich says I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This means that people mostly don't care. He cared, though. He gave me some carrots, said, "Does that make you feel better?" Every time he offered me a carrot, the same thing. "Does that make you feel better? Did the carrots make you feel better?"

He's so strraaannnge and I love him so, so, so much. I am not super happy with him, though, because he does not love Liv.

The thing with Liv is that... she is what people call a "moocher." She is not a moocher in the way that counts. She doesn't take your money or your stuff. But she just, y'know. Gets really comfortable with you really fast—sometimes too comfortable. The problem here is that she uses Sandwich's plates and silverware without asking and apparently never washes them afterwards. Compounded with that, she also took a bowl out of his room today so she could finish her lunch in AP Physics. So Sandwich was pissed off. He says he doesn't really 'know her.' And I get that. Liv mostly knows Sandwich through the stories I tell her and through their interactions, but Sandwich is not like other people. Liv cannot force closeness upon them by acting like they are already close (which is how she is able to achieve it with other people). Sandwich sees right through that. It annoys him. I know how he feels. I know what it's like to get annoyed when Liv demands I make her breakfast and stuff like that. But I wish he knew her better. I wish her were more patient.

Of course, he complains to me 'cause I spend three periods in his classroom. I love Liv soooo much, though. So so so so so much. She is my soul mate. I felt it was time to be honest, so I told Liv why Sandwich was annoyed with her. After that, Liv said, "I'm never going in Sandwich's room again," and I was like, "Why????" and she was like, "I'm not going somewhere I don't feel welcome." Which both Alexis and I thought was stupid.

Like, really, Liv? Sandwich was upset by what he felt was YOU overstepping your boundaries. I know you are hurt, but why can't you recognize that you are kinda in the wrong here? Again, this is how Liv acts with everyone, but Bullshit doesn't work with Sandwich. No matter what. I wish she could just apologize and then... back up, y'know? Try to be a little more "respectful" or whatever. But I can't tell her what to do and I can't force them to like each other, even though I love them both to death.

Liv hasn't answered any of my texts and she was very quiet today. Even before the whole Sandwich thing. I am concerned about her. I asked Belle if she was all right, but Belle didn't know anything.

Lily was also a bit sad today. She was crying a bit in Sandwich's room. She said she had a migraine. I told her to go home. She wasn't in Computer Programming, so I think she left after lunch. I love Lily a lot too. I just love people.

But I also feel detached. Spacey. I don't want to be here, around Humans. I'm sad and I'm lonely. This morning, I almost cried like three times and I don't even know why! I kept having to walk out of the classroom so I could pace out my anxious energy. Chris asked me if I was okay, but I don't think he really knew what else to do. Usually I'm the cheerful one. But I just kinda felt on the verge of a breakdown. I mean, emotionally, I felt pretty calm. But my body was just shaking and nervous and I knew if I started crying, I wouldn't have been able to stop.

Oh. Also, as a note. Yesterday, after walking past Isaac once again with my shoulders hunched (this time with Lily), he called after me: "Fine, I don't give a shit!"

And that made me feel like shit. I didn't want to hurt him or anything. But whatever. Who cares. I don't want to think about this. It's not worth it. I'm going to do something semi-productive instead. That is, I am going to write and then I'm gonna play some minecraft. And then I've gotta do a god damn power point. Fuck.

Today was campus clean up day. We mostly raked mulch and pulled weeds. I liked it a lot. I want to quit school and do that my whole life. That's how I felt when we planted a tree in early December. It felt good to use my body for once instead of my brain. My useless brain. I'm so stupid. I'm so, so stupid.

I want to d i s s o l v e.


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