inbetween

inbetween
2017-04-24 19:08:23 (UTC)

I feel stunted. Socially. Mentally. ..

I feel stunted. Socially. Mentally. It's like I'm just broken. Why don't I work as a social human being, when humans ARE social beings? People work together to create better conditions for themselves. People thrive together. People grow together. People enjoy togetherness. It's just so difficult sometimes. I've probably been alone too much. Then again this just seems like a circle.
I see how fickle I am, but am unable to change that for some reason. Some days it's like I am completely lucid, completely aware, fully understanding and open, and on those days I see what actions I have to take to better myself. Others I'm just completely empty, of thoughts, desires, anything. On those days there's no point in changing anything or making any effort. Obviously I am not happy or even just ok with how I live now, not only mentally, but also for the fact that it's very unsustainable. It's just not going to work. I see what I need to live healthily and progressively.
I see how fickle I am.
So I am empty headed. Ok. One thing at a time. It doesn't matter that I don't care for everything, or that I don't care right this moment about myself. There's got to be something pushing me forward, or at least keeping me idle instead of quitting. Is that fear? Is it a desire? One thing at a time.
What is the minimum I need to live, without wishing to die every other day? First I have to support myself. I need food, water, electricity, a home. I need money for these things. I need a job. I have worked out the minimum amount of days I need to work to cover the basis. It doesn't matter so much what I do as long as it doesn't take up all of my time and covers my needs.
I have to do SOMETHING that gives me purpose, something that feeds my mind and also my being. I don't really think I need very much of this, but the more the better, and it can vary what it is. Lol this is the real question. What it is. I have to stay physically healthy, because living inside a sick body (not to mention, when I CAN live in a healthy one) is going to affect me mentally. I have to stay mentally healthy, but this is more




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