LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-04-22 23:13:50 (UTC)

guts


"Morning Hollow" by Sparklehorse [this song reminds me of my doggy. I miss her so much.]

n the silver morning hollow
Trembling and getting old
Smelling burnt oil of heaven
About ten years, too big to hold

She don't get up when I come into the room
She don't run through the fields anymore

Built a fire in the kitchen
Made her bed by a stove
Took a walk to the graveyard
But she didn't want to go

She don't worry all them murders of crows
Even though they was always out of reach

She don't get up when I come into the room
She don't run through the fields anymore


April 23, 2017 Sunday 12:15 AM

Today is my birthday. I saw it on a calendar in September, and then a few months later in December, and then in February and March and several times during April, April, April until suddenly it was now??? I don't know how that happened. Time speeds up. It's a little scary. Like maybe I can sleep through my whole life and not even notice.

But, well. I am eighteen years old now. I am legally an adult. Which = I have legally left my childhood. And that is always going to be a sad thing. It is especially a sad thing when it's twenty past midnight and you're listening to a song that reminds you of your dead dog, which in turn reminds you of your dead friend, and then you think about how everything dies and before you know it, you'll be there at the edge of oblivion and what can you do? Nothing, just follow. Just hope. Let the lights blink out. Maybe you'll be sentient again, sometime in the distant future. A piece of you in a star (not that they have thoughts—just, it'd be cool) or a person or some kind of alien.

Oh god I feel weird. I hope today doesn't make me sad. I've done a pretty good job of Not Being Sad lately. Because I was approaching 18, I had to get a new primary care physician (in the "doctor's secretary" world, they call this a PCP). I got this lady who is from... some place else. I am not sure where. I just know she has an accent that reminds me of a woman my mom used to be friends with; she was from an African country that also spoke french, but I'm not sure which one. Anyway, I do love the inflections that come from whatever accent that is.

My doctor is a nice lady and I like her. When I told her about my headaches (since that is why I was going to the doctor in the first place—chronic headaches and, like, weekly migraines), she was like, "Let me guess, you think you have a tumor?"

I said no, only because I'd had chronic headaches since middle school and I figured if it were a tumor, I'd be dead by now. Not that CANCER hasn't crossed my mind. Just, it hasn't persisted as a plausible explanation for my pain??

Anyway, the lady prescribed me Topamax. I've been taking it for a couple of weeks and I haven't had a bad headache since the beginning of Spring break.... Do you know how amazing that is??!?!?!? I get headaches pretty much every day!!! Every!!! Day!!! It usually starts around noon. It's sometimes a regular tension headache, other times it is a headache that I can't really define, and other times it is a "pre-migraine" ache behind my eye.

Oh, and I've also stopped drinking caffeine. I haven't taken Excedrin in awhile either. My doctor thought maybe I kept getting withdrawal headaches from treating my migraines, which = vicious cycle (I almost wrote viscous cycle.... raw eggs).

We'll see if I start getting headaches again when school comes back on, though. I mean, we visited Brown on Friday ("we" being me, my dad, Caroline, and Liv) and after walking around a couple of hours, my head started feeling gross. I feel like activity just fucks me up. But idk, it didn't last too long. I felt fine by the start of the campus tour.

Campus tours are really boring, by the way. But I didn't mind, because I mostly just went so I could take a peek inside a few buildings, get an idea of where I'ma be livin' the next four years. I really loved it. My sister was very happy for me too, because Providence is kind of surrounded by colleges so it kind of seemed like everyone in the general vicinity of Brown was in their twenties???

Oh, I also visited a Neurobiology class in the morning and I found that really interesting. That particular day, they were talking about a research paper in which scientists were trying to create false memories in mice. I mostly understood the stuff that was being discussed because I have to read a lot of research papers on neuroscience and I've spent the last few months studying the brain almost exclusively. !!! Dude, I can't wait for the summer. I can wait for college, because college will be something that is both difficult and amazing, but summertime will be mostly easy and that's all that I want right now. Some reprieve.

I just want to be with my friends one last time in this context. Next time we see each other, we'll be in different schools, going in different directions with different friends, and we might not like each other anymore.

Jesus christ, I can't believe I'm eighteen.

---


I had a dream a few nights ago. It was super weird. I can't... It's very hard to explain. But at some point, I was tumbling through the air, tumbling tumbling... And then I was swimming through something warm, burgundy, viscous. I kept growing bigger and bigger, and then my strokes ended up parting something besides the water and a second later I realized—I had just ripped open a person. But, like. I had been swimming in their blood. I grew and tore open their flesh.

This part of my dream kept repeating, over and over again. The last time around, Ethan's cat Tac was with me, swimming in the blood and he drowned in it.

It's okay, though, because later I found him on fish island, which is an island on a dream television show. It's not actually much of an island. It's brackish waters, sand, and a big dark cave looming over it. That's about all there is. But Tac was sitting in the sand with another cat and there were fish walking around. Those fish were also human people. I could see both shapes at the same time. Fish island was significant for some reason... I guess because earlier in the dream, I'd been watching TV from fish island only to realize I was actually in the place that was on the television and I was watching fish island! It was trippy.

Later on, I was with my New Visions class. I remember Chris most vividly, probably because the thought of him has been making me anxious lately (I'm nervous about the prom—about getting my stuff and about going to a school where I have no friends lol). Also, Chris is like twice as tall as everyone else in real life, so he's the most obvious person in the class anyway. At some point, we were seated on a bench, lost. Some of my class wandered off to get snacks, Chris included. I left the building and entered a sorta porch-ish area on the edge of a marshy lake (why is there always so much liquid in my dreams?!?). It was beautiful. I could see all the reflections from the pink sunset, and the bits of plant poking up from just under the surface of the water... Adrian and his ex-girlfriend were there, arguing over their relationship and somehow I knew that during this conversation, they were supposed to be dating.

Listen, this was probably in my dream because Adrian's ex-girlfriend:
- goes to a fancy all-girls private school a couple blocks away from my house
- seriously it looks like hogwarts
- this is important because I feel like they hone a lot of skills in a way they wouldn't be able to in a public high school
- ok I admit it, this info was not ACTUALLY important... but it's there now. So whatevs.
- anyway, his ex, who I will just call Oz, does filmmaking or something. A few months ago, she made a short film about a relationship and Adrian was one of the actors in it. Actually, he was really good in that short film. Why am I always so surprised when he is good at things. I know he's talented, but I'm used to be annoyed at him for being pretentious. Anyyyyywaayyy, I thought the film was pretty but annoying because it didn't really seem to bring anything new to the table in terms of storyline. But then again, this is film so maybe that wasn't the point.?
- Liv also watched this film and she said she got the feeling that it was about Oz's and Adrian's relationship. "Because she said Adrian was exhausting." And because other stuff. I dunno man, ask liv, jesus.

So the part of my dream where they were arguing felt a lot like a scene from that movie (or a scene from any movie about a girl who doesn't love her significant other tbh). I was gonna walk away from it but then they fuckin' multiplied until there were, like, hundreds of Oz-and-Adrian's arguing, with Adrian occasionally stopping to say, "Oh, hi, Veronica."

It was strange and I kept trying to get through the crowd so I could go back into the building, but I think I woke up before I ever made it.

I have had some weird thoughts about Adrian. Nothing too weird, but before I fell asleep the other night I was like "I will probably just end up marrying Adrian," which is the kind of thought that makes me shudder in the daytime. No offense Adrian. I had a similar thought upon waking up and I had to blink it out of my system. Again, not too disturbing. They are not feelings; they're thoughts. Maybe it's just because I'm finally appreciating him again after a long time of not liking him very much at all.

Whoever has the guts to date me (years from now?) is going to have to deal with a hell of a lot of confusion.

Oh, shit, it's almost 1 AM and I spent this whole time talking about nothing. Hah. The same as every entry I've ever written.

So happy eighteenth birthday to me. Yay, I am an adult in the eyes of the state. As usual, it feels like something should have changed.. but nothing really has. This is aight. C ya.


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