Broken Soul

Dancing with the Loneliness..
2017-03-19 03:34:44 (UTC)

Bullshit.

Things haven't been going well for me. I had high hopes after my last entry.. I went to the gym everyday for 2 weeks, I was eating healthy, feeling good about myself, and making all these wonderful plans for the future. But something happened. My boyfriend's friend had given us a security camera as a housewarming gift when we first moved in together, and we've had it connected to our phones so that anytime both of us leave the apartment it turns on if there are any movements. Well, I guess it somehow disconnected from my boyfriend's phone because one night while I was working, he was in the apartment practicing with one of his band mates, and my phone kept going off from all the camera notifications. So I started checking them. A lot of the videos were of just them practicing.. but some of them were of them bullshitting. My boyfriend and I had an argument about a week prior to this (about a little dog I was fostering.. he didn't want me to take the dog in, but I didn't want it to go to the shelter.. so I took it in. I was the only one taking care of it, so why not?).. Anyway, we weren't talking much after the argument, and he brought that up to his friend. His friend, Dave, asked when he was planning on marrying me, because according to him.. if I held a job for a whole year he would propose (which is ridiculous for many reasons.. I had three jobs when I met him, one of which I had for 7 years. There was a brief time when I was out of work because I was taking care of my parents, and then for about a month after I moved to Jersey. So wtf was he talking about?). Anyway, he just sucked his teeth, and said we were having problems.. and that he was ready to call it quits. He said he can't wait for the day when I'd come home from work and find none of his stuff in the apartment. He said he had been moving his things around the apartment to "scare" me into thinking he was getting ready to leave (which was bullshit). Said that he might give it a few months. Then he starts making up these bullshit scenarios where it sounds like I was being controlling and crazy.. but these scenarios never happened! Why would he make up fake stories and make me sound horrible to his friend? None of it made sense to me.. How can you be with someone for 7 years and say these awful things? That night I confronted him.. told him that the next time he wants to bullshit and tell lies about me to his friends he should check to see if the camera's rolling first. I went off! "I" was ready to call it quits. He stayed quiet at first, and finally apologized.. said that he was just mad about the foster dog, and that guys just bullshit like that from time to time. That he didn't mean any of it. I had some lasting words, but eventually I moved on.. in a sense. We don't talk about that night.. but it still bothers me. Sometimes I look at him and think.. is this really going to last? Does he even want to be with me? Also, he doesn't seem to understand why I feel uncomfortable going on double dates with his friend, Dave (his band mate).. I sit at the table trying to be "fine".. but all I keep thinking about is Dave and his wife's (I'm assuming he told her) perception of me.. they're probably thinking "it's only a matter of time before he leaves her controlling ass". Ugh.. this is my life.
Needless to say, my attempts at going to the gym and bettering my life were shot to shit after that night. I didn't want to do anything after that. Mind you, this happened awhile ago, but my life hasn't gotten any better since. His has, of course.. He found a new, great paying job. The hours suck, but he makes a grand a week, so he deals with it.
And I.. still do the same shit everyday. Work hard for an unappreciative job, barely make enough money to get by, still lonely as shit (especially now that he's hardly home during the week), still have no friends, I mourn my mother everyday, my family never calls or text even just to say hello.. and now I fight with myself just to get out of bed every morning. I just don't see a point to it anymore..
I guess the only difference is that I wasn't drunk writing this entry. Oh trust.. the drinking hasn't stopped. In fact, I was drunk last night. I just haven't been able to find the time to "drunk write" as he falls asleep early now, and my computer happens to be in the bedroom.
Anyway.. until the next time.. I'm sure it'll just get worse from here on out..




Ad: