All that is
I'm starting to really resent him. ..
I'm starting to really resent him.
He's a dick.
He constantly puts me down without knowing he's doing so. When I point it out, he literally silences me by caricaturing me or telling me that I'm nagging or argumentative or like bringing up the past. But he doesn't seem to think that if someone keeps 'bringing up the past' then surely that means that there's something there you need to address, that they feel slighted.
For all his intellect he's actually quite emotionally impaired. It's like a mixture of ego too. He's never once admitted wrong-doing. Even the other day when I sent him a long-ass text message and then ignored him for a couple of days or a day only actually, he then said ok, i see what you mean, I can see how that was annoying. But then literally the next day when we got into an argument about something else and I pointed out that he was exhibiting the same behaviour that he apologised for just the day before he said that in retrospect he disagrees with his apology essentially annulling it.
I also hate the way he behaved everytime I asked him for the money I loaned to him over 6 months ago. The arrangement was that he would pay it back by December. When december came obviously i was skint so i asked him for it. and he said he didn't have it. that end of january would be when he'd have it. I said ok, but I let him know that i really needed it. Then Januray came and i asked again, and he said end of february. I thought for fuck sake - I really needed the money since i was going to nigeria early feb. But i said fine, when I come back. and anyway, it'll probably work out better cos I'll be skint when i come back so that gives me something immediate to fall back on. So i said ok fine. Obviously I made a bit of a fuss - not much - but i pointed out that he'd changed the date twice now. When I came back from lagos in mid feb, i was skint as expected and I asked him for it and he said he wouldn't be able to give it to me until end of march. That pissed me off obviously because now i REALLY needed it. And I was relying on his word. And when i made it known that i was annoyed, he wouldn't just say 'i know i'm sorry' or showing some sign of caring, instead he would say well 'you're not paying rent', 'I'm paying rent' - essentially saying that he needs the money more than me which is besides the point never mind. He would argue back, silence me, undermine my irritation or tell me that 'he was never going to borrow money from me again' or 'he has friends he owes money to that haven't cut his throat' basically trying to making me feel like a bad person for asking for someting that he agreed to pay back. So everytime over the past 2 months that I was so skint i had to finesse the system, or scrounge for food, or scab something that i shouldn't, I'd think of the money he should have paid me and I'd get pissed off at his refusal to acknowledge my annoyance. The tipping point came when my back charged me £5 daily for an over drawn account and it went up to £80. So any money that was paid to me was immediately subtracted. This is something that wouldn't have happened if he'd paid me back at the third agreed date. Then he eventually said that he was applying for a grant and that when the grant came he'd pay me back. His grant was recently approved but then he said that he'd pay me the £200 in installments of £100 at first, and then £50 £50 on separate occasions cos he had rent to pay. Obviously I can understand the reasoning behind this even though I didn't readily agree to it. I didn't refuse it either although i made a fuss. I said that he said £200 is what he'd pay me, now he's breaking it up - that's taking the piss. Then he literally demonised me for stating this - saying that I was cruel, stingy, etc. I hate that - the idea that you help someone or loan someone money and then when you ask for it back - which u have every right to - you're called stingy. You're compared to 'other friends' who he owes like £500 and haven't cut his neck' If I was stingy would I have given it to you in the first place? I don't understand how his ability to read nuance when it comes to characters in texts and novels is suddenly elusive when it comes to actual human beings. Unable to understand emotion with any degree of complexity, and even when he may understand it, he still rejects and refuses to engage with it, because of what he believes a person OUGHT to feel in such a situation. It's madness. It's like autism almost. I don't understand it and it's created many disagreements over the past few weeks - which of course he blames on my fondness for arguing and the fact that I'm doing a gender programme thats 'made me want to argue with everyone and 'genderise' everything'. I hate that. The idea that my feelings are not valid - the must be a result of something external, or come from a place of irrationality. Thinking about it more is getting me pissed off tbh. Before I could overlook it when it was once in a while, and in a mild way, but now its happening everyday - and i feel like the pattern of being with some who constantly undermines your feelings or invalidates your opinions or caricatures your protestations is affecting me in some way, and I need to be away from it. As in, i can't fuck with someone who considers themselves perpetually infallible, even in the face of stark evidence.
He's also kind of unsupportive. Other than the fact that he helps gives advice on structuring my essays sometimes, that's it. He's unsupportive emotionally. If i told him I really liked this person, or it were a guy, or a dude had done something which upset me, I wouldn't be able to share it with me, because one he wouldn't empathise. Like the time i came back from Nigeria and told him about adm and that cow kissing on the beach in a game of truth or dare. His response was that 'he did the right thing' cos truth or dare is a contract and u have to honour it. And that was it - he didn't show any empathy or sympathy. No judgement was expressed towards her - like everyone else i spoke with was like "wow that's mad" but not him. totally 'logical' in that sense. And then when a day or so later i texted him with a pic of my face and her's asking 'me and her who fine pass?' his response felt like a dismissal 'saying' i'm not going to go into this 'who's prettier' convo, and then when I said I'm just being petty, and i KNOW i'm being petty' his response felt like an attack, he said "i thought you were all for womens empowerment, why are you comparing yourselves, and over a man?' I was like WTF. Who says that to a friend who's clearly seeking comfort by coming to you? I don't know if it's a preoccupation with always wanting to be right, or what, but it's one of the angriest/hurt he ever made me. We argued about it and he was so obstinate in his refusal to acknolwedge wrong-doing. And till this day he still doesn't accept it. Although when I blanked him for it, and we started speaking again he admitted that his friend said 'yea you picked the wrong time to say something like that, cos that person is clearly just looking to hear the right thing'. And when we argue about it he says 'yea i'm a dick, and i know i'm a dick.' As if 'knowing' it nullifies the wrong-doing. I think he also thinks that 'owning it' or some kinda bullshit insulates him from criticism. So that before you call him an asshole, he can say that the got there before you. I think that he also secretly believes that being a dick is how people like him are meant to be. He likes this idea of being this intellectual who everyone hates not because he's a bad person but because he's so infallible and knows the truth and says it without caring what people will say or think.
He unsupportive creatively as well. We sat down the other day at my request to brainstorm storm some ideas for the film we discussed. And I laid out a bunch of ideas
Rather it was me sharing all my ideas - off the top of my head, since that's what a brainstorming session is - and then him listening to them and saying 'next', 'give another one' 'what's another one' - about 10 mins into our 'session' i suddenly realised that it was just me giving actual ideas about anything. yes, he'd say one or two things about the kind of style he'd like it to be in, he wants it 'artistic' he kept saying - well, that could mean any number of things. But it felt a weird power imbalance, as if he was the tutor and I was a student who had come to him to mark my paper. The way that he didn't think that he had to contribute in anyway - that it was for me to come up with the idea and then for him to say whether or not they were good. The arrogance of it all. Long and short he basically shot down almost every idea i came up with, but he did so in such an ugly way too. Bearing in mind these ideas weren't shit. They were good. half-baked but v good. And the purpose of the session to bounce ideas off each other and then develop the ones we liked obvs. But it felt as though he was determined to take everything i said as the final idea rather than something that we were going to develop, so that he could say 'it's bad'. Responding to all of them with zero enthusiasm. I refuse to believe that. Someone who was invested in the idea of working together and doing something creative - and not simply in it for himself or to obtain the title of co-founder after i've already completed the bulk of the work - would find an element of the idea that they like and try and develop that, saying something as simple as 'i like the idea of a girl and boy'. He's never once said something like 'that's a really good idea' or 'I really like this'. in all my film making endeavours, he's never once said 'this clip is good, or this is this or nothing. Zero encouragement. But if something is 'cheesey' or bad he'll be the first to turn it into a joke.
Again when I pointed this out to him, his response is yet another self-affirming comment like 'I'm really brutal with criticism' - as if it's a tutorial and i've done the work and then come to him for approval. Get the fuck out of here. Writing this, and recounting this episode is actually making me angry. And he's sat right opposite me, oblivious. He completely ignores how what he says and does might make people feel, those he calls his friends included. The funny things is that he talks about how the black guys at his uni are 'all like this' and 'all a certain way' and how this one black guy that we both met upstairs is 'being weird' like doesnt wanna talk to him - about how if he were white he bets they would talk etc. - and he'll tell me these stories and then say something like 'get the fuck out of here' about them, usually I'll listen and say 'just leave it man' or i'll try and ask more and say 'how about this?' 'how did u approach them?' etc. And without fail, he's never without fault. And more and more recently I just want to say to him 'yes these people are invested in whiteness but has it ever occurred to you that you're the common denominator in all of these interactions? That maybe they just don't like you? He says that when he meets people he tends to like to provoke and shock etc. And i'm like 'ok whatever do your thing' But then you can't come and cry and complain and bitch when these same people meet you once and then start acting 'weird' the next time they see him, as he puts it. It's basic logic which he so loves, but is completely crippled when it comes to applying it to his social interactions. Because based on his logic, they've agreed 'yea let's do this' or 'yea let's catch up sometime' so when they don't follow through for some reason, he's confused and then demonises them and calls them stupid and says 'well why would they say yes lets do this when they don't have any intention of doing it?' and I'm thinking - ' this is where social reading comes into play.' It's like turn the lens on yourself for once - if that person doesn't like you, they don't like you. And i'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but if youre the common denominator time and time again, then there's a pattern. And he'd probably vehemently argue that their investment in whiteness is the only pattern and yes while that's probably part of it, it can't be ONLY reason that they all avoid you.
I also believe he enjoys putting me down. Yesterday we went to busaba. I mentioned how i loved the calamari and would try to learn how to make it. and for no reason it seemed, he said 'gosh you're so annoying, everytime, I want to learn how to make this' And i was like 'well yea, how do you think Iearned how to make that curry?' and he scoffed and said in all seriousness 'that curry wasn't even that nice' Mind you this is a curry he watched me make from scratch. I invited him and a over to eat. Like can you imagine? Whether or not it wasn't nice (which for one second i don't believe) it's like he has no sensitivity chip. Why would you say that?
What experience with him and subsequent ones where he's invalidated the way i'm feeling, have done a few things:
1. It's made me not want to share stuff like with him - cos he doesn't engage with it on a human level. it's weird and i can't really explain it, but like i say if you tell him something that you'd imagine as a friend he should know how to navigate intelligently, he always seems to choose ego.
2. It's definitely built resentment towards him. Like
3. It feels wrong but I want him to feel what it's like to have someone you like get with someone else. And then completely invalidate how he feels when it hurts.
All he wants to talk about is how black gay guys always go for white guys. Yes this is true, but don't always centre this it's so fucking annoying. Like why can't we talk about something less depressing? I swear since spending more time with him i've become an angrier version of myself.