"The First Song" by Built to Spill
My thoughts are commodities
My lies are me
My price is a compromise
My pay is peace
And words just make it worse
See just like there
If you can't spell it out
If it's just understood
Then you think it isn't there I make my mind up
Convince my brain
I lie on accident
Trying to explain
But all the things that I was told
All the people that told me
How can I not believe in things that
Everyone else sees
April 7, 2017 Friday 11:59 PM
Has much happened since I last wrote???? NOooo, not really, except my attitude has changed a little so I'm not as much of a piss pants. Is that a thing? Piss pants?
ANyway. I've just committed to Brown (I will be "matriculated" lol). I don't know why it took me so long honestly. It's been my first choice since December (I remember I never even considered Brown until my sister brought up an author who studies Literary Arts and Cognitive Science at the same time and then I learned more about it and saw the campus and was just—very excited to apply), but I just really didn't believe I'd get in, especially after I was waitlisted at Williams, Oberlin, and Colorado College.
Here is what Brown said in their acceptance letter (which, to my relief, they have not rescinded):
They basically were all "Congratulations!" and then they said they reviewed 32,000 applicants.
I am among the approximately 2,000 accepted (!!!).
This was apparently their largest applicant pool in history. Their regular decision acceptance rate was like 6 or 7% (overall it was like an 8% rate).
I wonder why the fuck they chose me?????? Is it because I'm
2) and I go to an "inner city" public high school????????
Whatever, I don't care, I'm fuckin' going and it's gonna be great. I'm not even really that nervous about committing to Brown—I don't feel like going anywhere else. At first, I was sorta leaning towards Fordham, but Fordham is actually really expensive soooo... yeah. I mean, all colleges are basically the same price but Brown gave us more financial aid. Not that I like Fordham better than Brown—I don't. I was just excited at the prospect of living in the city.
I was in a weird mood today. I was depressed, feelin' only half-functional. But at the same time, the part of me that regulates my bad moods was so loving.
Me to myself:
Aw, it's okay that you feel awful. You'll get through this. I'll give you today to feel tired and listless. You're allowed to feel self-pity and all that, too. I won't judge you, I'm here for you.
Last week, it was more:
Jesus Christ, self, I fuckin' hate you sooooooo muuuuuch.
Even after getting accepted into Brown, I felt really shitty.. and like. Disappointed. And also very confused.
I've also been feeling a lot, and I mean A LOT, of anger towards Isaac. We haven't talked. In fact, I've been ignoring him. Yes, I'm ignoring him after I told him I wanted to continue being friends.
After a couple days of not talking to him or thinking about him, I realized I was sooo relieved. And then, thinking back on the things Isaac said and did, I just got mad. He made me feel really guilty about a lot of things that are kind of just part of who I am, like my tendency to recede into myself. I also sort of feel like he tricked me into a relationship, although that's not really a fair thought.
I dunno, I guess I thought there was more to him or something but then when I got to know him, he was... annoying. He was whiny, depressed, hateful, entitled. His core values go against mine. He is Holden Caulfield. And I kept thinking I was gonna change my mind like I did with Liv and Adrian. And maybe I will. But I should've known better than to try and continue the relationship??? The only thing that saved my relationships with Liv and Adrian was space. We grew apart and then back together again!!! And for some reason, I thought I could force this through.
But I don't even want to do that. This is something Isaac needs to figure out on his own. I think I keep imagining myself into this role where I am a turning point in his life, a realization that things will never get better if he doesn't try... Ahhhgg. Yeah, no. I can't change him and I'm tired of being nice to him. He needs someone to be fuckin' mean to him. To tell him he's selfish.
I'm not going to do that either.
Today, I walked by him. Looking at him makes me want to puke. He said hello. I didn't say anything. He yelled after me, "You can at least say hi, don't ignore me!" and I sort of said something awkward like, "Hi I don't want to talk to you" and I went away. Adrian was beside me the whole time. He apologized as if he could have done something about it. I'm sure he didn't actually think he was responsible; I think it was actually more of a "sorry that you experienced that" type of thing. Anyway, in that moment, I wanted to hug him. Adrian's a good friend.
And Isaac is depressing. I don't think I've ever regretted knowing someone so much haha. Actually, anything vaguely romantic in my life always seems to end with this feeling of disgust with both myself and the perpetrator. I don't know why romance feels like such a crime to me. I guess because it's always dirtier in real life than I'm willing to imagine and no matter how I try to prepare myself, I can't ever handle the reality of it all.
I was acting weird today, so naturally my words came out weird too.
To Adrian, I said, "It's like a pool. And you keep swimming down and down and down only to come up at the surface again. But it's not the same side. It's a hole-to-China type deal, y'know? Shallow then deep then shallow."
He was like, "Are you talking about conversations with me? Because I can see that."
I said, "No, I mean relationships. They're all like that. Shallow then deep and then you're in the shallows again. And eventually you like... decide to get out of the water. That or you kinda just sit there til your skin rots, haha. You get gangrene. Skin slippage. All that shit." I was really laughing at this point because my sense of humor is usually pretty gruesome. I like the idea of dying in such an absurd way—refusing to get out of a pool.
I don't know if Adrian 100% knew what I was talking about. I'm not sure if I do??? I wasn't even trying to be fake-deep, dude. I was thinking about Liv. How with us, it went from a shallow relationship to a deep conversation and connection type thing. And now, we still have that deep Soul Mate (in a platonic way) bond, but everything we share and communicate is shallow and... lacking.
I mean, I don't really mind all the time. Most of the time I'm fine with it, actually. But I've just noticed that that is how it goes in every single lasting relationship of mine, even the non-Soul Mate ones.
And that realization just reminds me that I'm very alone and that fact is very strange. I mean, I am isolated in my own mind. There will always be a million things I am unable to communicate. There will always be a lacking, always always always. Even Liv, the human being I am closest to, is so far away. All of us are far away from each other. We just like to hang out and, like, feel connected n' shit. But when it comes down to it, I don't think we're all that close.
Then again, maybe it's all perception. I mean, if you FEEL connected then how is that any different from the "real thing"? Which means me feeling disconnected is probably, y'know... a feeling. And that's it.
Doesn't change the fact that I've sorta always felt at arms length from people, like I can't quite understand what they're talking about and they can't quite understand me either. I imagine I'm not the only one who feels like this. I mean, it'd be fuckin' ridiculous if I was, haha. Besides, it's not like I feel like every second of every day. It has just been with me.
Today was Laney's birthday. I'm not gonna spend a ton of time talking about it because I'm bored of diary-ing, but we went out to dinner (me, Lily, Laney, this girl I will call Belle, and Kelsey).
I've never really hung out with Belle or Kelsey outside of school, but they're actually sooper cool. Lily went to a college party with her best friend so it was just the four of us. We went to Laney's house and ate some delicious fuckin' cookies n' cream cake... And then we just talked for a really long time. I remember that I was laughing probably 91% of the whole 5 hours we spent together.
It was a good time. I am really happy. The whole occasion just cheered me way the fuck up.
I feel whole. Cold and far away, but complete.
I'm that swelling happiness. It fits in my body! It's not too big or small! The happiness is snug in me. Now I will go cuddle with my cat and watch Futurama and/or Rick & Morty.
I am so happy.