The Real Me
2017-04-07 22:40:23 (UTC)


There is nothing special about him really and yet I want him.
I desire him. He isnt my type at all, he is skinny, tall, european and pale but for some reason I am just drawn to him.
I have tried to shake it off by being a complete bitch to him or just being mean overall.
i even make alot of jokes to kill anything i feel for him.
I dont really even know him but at times i think about him and wander what it would be like to kiss him, touch him or just be near him.
He has a girlfriend, when I found this out i completely backed off, not that he was even into me before but i did feel like we had a connection and then one day he just decided to shut it down.
I think me smoking put him off...or maybe just my personality. He is quiet, calm, sane and i am loud, confident and just a storm.
I think i scared him of in the beginning by coming on way too strong...i couldn't help it I was just drawn to him.
His smile, his warm eyes, his demeanor, his soft hair, the way he does things robotically again and again, the way he is so neat, the way he always eats so quietly that you can barely hear him, the way he is so comfortable in his own skin. There is a quiet confidence to him...and i guess its how Si told me, Nic just looks like the type of guy who would take care of you and handle things.
I dont always think about him I push it away all the time, so its only in moments that i think of him and wish that we could be.
I have always been this way, there are certain people that i form instant connections with and when i am drawn to them i desire them. It doesnt happen often but when it does that is all i truly want for the moment.
For the past couple of months I have not looked at him, I have not looked for him, ive tried to forget him. I caught myself looking yesterday and falling into him.
I keep chasing what feels like home. I hate to say it but he feels like home.
Every time i have felt someone is home it has ended terribly for me.
It doesnt matter anyway though as he doesnt have feelings for me and never will, Nic and I will never be anyway.