All that is
Emilio is suddenly not enough. After hearing about echi's dream-bae in abuja. He sounds like a dream, literally and i miss that feeling of knowing that someone wants you. I could say it's to do with knowing that someone wants you beyond the physical, but I don't doubt that 'the physical' is a huge part of dream-bae's motivation for chasing echi. but it's not just that because there's much to be said about being desired physically - that alone depending on yoru state of mind can provide contentment. It's probably not even that deep and more basic - just that companionship, having things in common with someone who you also want to spend time with without clothes on. simple as that really. and knowing that this person ALSO sees you and is excited by you - by your mind. I think that's the real thrill to be quite honest. Not quite believing that someone can't get enough of spending time with you, that they want to crack open your brain and eat it up - they're greedy to know everything about you. About me? Can you imagine. I remember when I first started dating cm, and it was that feeling that was the most toxic. the feeling is elusive once you become single again, and you can't quite articulate it - what it was that pulled you to this person but when you feel it again from someone else in its genuine form, a familiar feeling creeps back and you think 'ah' - i remember this. And if you care enough to spend time unpacking it, like i'm doing right now, you'll realise all it is, is the addiction to the high of feeling like your presence, your mind, your body - all that makes you, 'you' is craved by another human being. And for those of us that frequently suffer feelings of 'imposter syndrome' or fleeting insecurities, it is a powerful drug. So as I was saying, Emilio is suddenly not enough. I could have seen him tonight as he invited me over to watch a move and fuck. Well, he just said to watch a movie - the fucking is implicit. And it's weird cos i know i should go - it's what i want - to fuck, that is. It's as if i know it's what i SHOULD want, but for some reason i'm not that fussed. Emilio is gorgeous, his body is on point, his sex is fire, he turns me into a
Also that whore part is quite strange come to think of it - the way certain men have a quality - or qualities, since they don't all have the one quality - to turn you into a dirty whore. And i don't use that word lightly. I can't put my finger on what it is, or even the combination of things, but some men i've been with, will just turn me. And it's such a wonder to behold. It's also interesting how you're more apt to 'allow' some men to turn you on - well i do anyway. Ugo for example - still don't know what it is about him or what it was. He's not particularly a model or anyyhing in terms of his facial features. But it's this cavalier but nonchalant way in which he carries himself, like nothing could phase him. Yet he still exudes authority. He has chat. He's sexy as fuck. I thnk it also has something to do with how i met him, and the circumstances. I'd been trying to catch his attention. A girl like me, in a place like that in Lagos its pretty easy normally. But that night there were many prostitutes at the venue working. I kept looking at him, subtly at first then more pointedly when my glances failed to beckon him over. He must have walked past me twice or so, and we exchanged looks but he didn't do anything. I was genuinely perplexed. Who was this guy and why wouldn't he come to me? I preoccupied myself with trying to fill in the blanks. I thought to myself, he must have a girl. I saw a girl sitting beside him, not touching or anything, but sitting close enough for me to conclude that she must be his girlfriend or wife. Then quite randomly, I concluded that he must be african american - because of the way he was dressed and how he wore his cap - his whole look had this LA west coast vibe that was super sexy. I know it sounds silly. Another guy who was trying to get at me noticed me trying to get at Ugo, so proceeded to cock-block me by pretending to be Ugo's brother. It wasn't all bad though since that gave me an 'in' - i spoke to Ugo to ask if he was in fact the brother of this annoying man and Ugo said 'yes' so i thought 'ugh' well, that's that over. And so I moved on but not for long. I later on I notice that this other guy, Ugo's supposed brother had not spoken to ugo once, and was now (successfully) chatting up a prostitute. Then it looked like they were making plans to leave the venue together. So i figured its all a lie and they probably don't know each other. So i decide to try again. this time i wait at the exit and when ugo passes by I stop him. He tells me he's going to get something from his car and that I should wait a second. I do as told, and wait for a few minutes, wondering whether he'd return, all the while aware of how much work I was putting into this strange man, and conscious of who was noticing. He comes back and we go and sit down and chat. I remember feeling so happy when we finally broke the ice and started to level. I couldn't believe it he was literally too good to be true. his chat was amazing, he was on my level, i had this crush on him that had no doubt doubled because i'd been trying to get his attention. he was also into me. i remember thinking 'fuck i think i've met the one'. I felt that good. Although in retrospect i wonder if my feelings didn't have something to do with the weed I'd been smoking earlier. And alas it wasn't to be. My dealings with adm were becoming more consistent and 'intense' and so naturally my attention and energy were focussed on him. plus when i met with ugo again, the same cavalier attitude that had pulled me at the start suddenly came off as impolite. Plus somethings didn't 'add up' - like he wouldn't answer certain questions and the more i probed the more bullshitty he seemed. so i decided to fuck him once and leave it there. All of that said, we shared one glorious evening together. He and i got high af - me laughing my head off every 5 seconds, and him clearly enjoying my company, getting some kind of high off my own high. It was almost magical. And the most fun I'd had with another person in a long while. He just let me be - he had this care free hippie vibe about him that i loved. When we finally had sex it was on a sunday night we went to have a drink somewhere, then drove home after. I can't rememebr what led to waht but it was the most turned on i'd been for a while. i think it was also the fact that he was igbo that did it for me, that feeling of someone who shared a place with you gave it a certain layer of intimacy that such liaisons don't normally have. IF you brought a really good looking yotuba guy and an relatively average-to-good looking igbo guy and stood them next to each other, I'd find the igbo guy more attractive hands down even if i knew that For weeks afterwards i thought about my time with him. And was turned on by the coming-of age quality i felt it had. How? I think the fact that we were both igbo, doing something that we know our parents would forbid us from doing - that shared knowledge. Although I'm not disillusioned, I'm sure the fact that I too as igbo had little bearing of importance for him considering he lives in lagos where there's no shortage of igbo girls to sleep with. But here's another realisation. Coming-of-age sex turns me on so much, i don't know why. Secret sex with clothes on also turns me on. I don't mean secret as in doing it in a random place just for fun, but secret like finding somewhere really obscure OUT OF NECESSITY - because your forbidden from being with each other, or something. And the clothes on aspect probably has to do with a sense of urgency but again, part of maintaining that shroud of secrecy, literally.
It's also worth mentioning that the guys who are able to bring this shameless whore quality out of me, are usually the ones who I only intend to fuck, and nothing more. LIke I come into the liaison knowing this, and wanting nothing else. It's weird. however With the guys who I want to turn into bae, I'm less able to whore out in quite the same way. Not to say that I restrict myself, but rather my 'focus' is different. I'm more focussed on intimacy and closeness etc etc. It's probs society's fault. yea. society has told me that if i want to 'keep' any man i have to let him believe that he is the one responsible for my sexual awakening. that he brought the whore out of me. that even though I lived for twenty seven years, been sexually active for eight of them, this man's dick is sooo good that it has literally transformed me. Can you imagine the fuckery?.
Also i'd go and see emilio but i took my hair out recently and i haven't done anything with it yet, it's just sitting there an untamed, unwashed, uncombed fro. Don't get me wrong i like my afro and i feel my most sexiest when I wear it out. But I've never had fro sex. I mean, sex with my fro out, and then falling asleep, and then waking up the next day. No head scarf nothing. In the morning, I dread to think how i'd look. And also i can't be bothered with it right now i have too much work on. after wearing it in braids for a good two months and getting used to not having to do your hair in the morning, it def takes some getting used to when u take them out and suddenly your u now have to allocate a good 20 mins every morning just for your hair. It feels like a child that needs constant attention. it's currently wrapped in a head scarf and it looks good. but imagine if, mid-pound from behind, my wrap starts to come undone. the hair beneath is really a mess cos i haven't touched it whatsoever since loosening the braids. i'm tragic. Other than that however, like i say my satisfaction with our arrangement has significantly declined since hearing about echi's bae and the kind of romance I could have if i were in the right place at the right time. why indulge in tesco cheesecake when you could have gluten free lemon drizzle cake with a pudding? I know that lemon drizzle cake is not the pinnacle of desserts but i can't think of a fancy enough dessert to make my point.
also i've just decided that i'm going to start keeping an orgasm journal. In it i'll note how the orgasm felt in as much detail as i can recall (sincee the really good ones almost make you leave your body) what i was thinking about at the moment of climax and anything else that comes to mind. yayyy.