nerd™

the anger games
2017-04-02 08:11:01 (UTC)

Day 40, it's a dead end.

Today was supposed to be the day I start to turn my life around.
I made a list of the do-s and don't-s. I decided what I was going to study today. I got my reminder, drew a little ring on my pinky
It started well, I woke up 5 am to pray!
But that was just about it tho.. It's 8 am now. I am supposed to be on my way to the bus stop right now but guess what?
I lied
I told mom the lab was cancelled
And worst of all, she believed me.
She has too much faith in me. She has no idea how fucked up I am. She doesn't know I am a fuckin child.

And so I failed.
I failed before I even tried.
I guess if people really can change their lives overnight then I am not one of them. Those are the ones who were destined to be great
I was destined to live in illusions inside my head. Illusions that I can do anything I put my mind into, that I was born to be great but the circumstances are not helping, that one day I will get my happily ever after.
But as I said, illusions.
In reality? I am the biggest joke on earth.

For one tiny second... I am grateful that dad is gone.. If he was still alive he would be so disappointed in me..

Now Idk am I supposed to finish the rest of things on the list or what

What's the point
Nothing is gonna change. I was born to dream and that's it. I will never make it and thinking that I could ever change was the biggest illusion I had.

a quote I read a couple of days ago is "If death doesn't wake you up, nothing ever will."
It's true.
Death only made me worse. I guess I am a hopeless case.
It's been 40 days only since dad was ripped away from us, and look how bad it's already gotten. I can only imagine what will happen by the end of this year..
Man I had too many plans for this year
Plans that will never see the light apparently

Since I am back to all my old habits again I should change my name. I am no nerd anymore

I am a liar. I have always been and That's all I will ever be.




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