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"Stop the Show" by Built to Spill
After a while you know the style and that's enough to know you suck
And when you know to stop the show because you know they know
I know its sad but don't feel bad they knew they had it coming
After a while it hurts to smile and if you laugh
Its just a typical miracle
March 27, 2017 Monday 9:01 PM
Current mood: content, restless.
Current mood towards self: feeling an indescribable level of self-loathing. I will probably try to explain it anyway...
Current mood towards school: anxious and excited
Current mood towards college: excited
It's a little hard to write because I hate myself so much. Every word is just... ugly. I am ugly. And I am tired. I'm not depressed, though. I just hate myself. This is a thing separate.
I am not going to think too hard about hating myself at the moment, because that leads to wordless torment??? Which is like my Regular Angst except worse because I am barred from expressing it in words lest the act of expressing myself make me hate myself even more???? It's not the articulation of the thoughts (and the subsequent realization of their truthfulness ) that just solidifies my own self-loathing; it is the fact that I am so pathetic that I spend my time articulating my self-hate that makes me hate myself more.
Anyway, enough of that. Except, wait, actually that's why I came here, sort of. Eh, whatevs.
Today was a pretty good day. Jeez, I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts. TO-DAY WAS A PRET-TY GOOD DAY.
New Visions was, as usual, awesome. It's always awesome. Partly because I don't know my classmates well enough to be afraid of disappointing them. Also, today we were doing part one of a culture lab. So today we just made our nutrient agar solution. Before we left, we put it in the autoclave (to sterilize our solutions) and tomorrow we'll pour it into petri dishes to make gels, upon which we will then swab microbe samples from various body parts (hands, mouth, nose, whatever other body part, and we are going to do one gel that was exposed to air for a bit as a control) and analyze the lil colonies that form.
Another cool thing about New Visions: they don't tell us what to do. I mean, Ruth said we needed to make a culture so that we could then analyze the morphology of whatever shit grew on our gels, but we (meaning my group, which consisted of myself, Chris, that girl Wallace, and the weird kid I will call Sky) got to decide where our microbe swabs would come from and what our control would be and how exactly we would proceed, how many gels we would make, etc. etc. etc. !!! Soooo yeah. Pretty cool.
Anyway. Anyway, anyway, anyway!!!!! Why is there always an 'anyway'? God, I hate myself. I wish I wanted to die! What a horrible thing to wish. But I mean. I'm just so full from all the anxiety and guilt and self-hate, the headaches the exhaustion the whatever whatever whatever!!! It's okaaaaay because I can function but sometimes I just don't want to. I don't want to work hard anymore. I am lazy and unfit and my curiosity kills me, I've placed some part of me outside of myself outside outside and that's why I don't feel right, because if I were all whole on the innards, then it wouldn't matter and I'd learn at a leisurely pace with no worries about the future and other things that are Too Big To Swallow. Instead, I have swallowed the things that don't fit and that's how that old lady died, remember?? From that one book? She swallowed a fly and then swallowed a spider to swallow the fly and then swallowed a, I dunno, frog or something and so on and so on and so on until she was too full and exploded–
Maybe that was supposed to be a metaphor for deception but instead it is serving as a metaphor for containing containing containing and continuing to contain past the point to which I can expand and does this sentence even make snesE???
Hey. I don't deserve Liv. Liv loves me more than anyone else I know. She cares so much what I think, she is so happy for me whenever good things happen, she has so much faith in me, so much so much so much.
I love Liv a lot too, but I can't love the same way she loves and. It just makes me sad. I think she should go off without me. And obviously, she'd disagree with this, but ugh. You just don't get it, Liv. I wish you would love someone who didn't disappoint you as much. Sorry, I feel so raw! The idea of being disappointing is not a new one for me. But it is something I ignored for a long time and then it just, bam, bobbed to the surface, y'know? I'm thinking of dead bodies tied to cinder blocks, bloated and rotting til they break off the part of them locked to the bottom of the sea and return to the sky, the sky! Where liquid and air meet, one density then another. Oh, underwater caves! Freshwater and saltwater, and the line between the two things looks like the line between water and air but it's not it's really not so if you were a diver and you thought you were safe, you're sorely mistaken please refrain from breathing water that is not a good idea.
Ahhhhh. My head hurts and I feel so, so weird. All fractured-like, ahhhhh.
I can't love the way she loves. My love is not pure. It's all stained by, like, jealousy. Jealousy of her life and her personality and her attitude, even though I know I've got it good I just can't stop myself from wanting to Not Be In This Body. She can tell me I'm amazing a million times and I will never, ever believe it. I might be physically incapable of believing it. Perhaps that isn't even hyperbole! Maybe that's just how my brain is wired. All compliments are directed upon white matter tracts straight to the trash bin. Ah, just enough science to sound cool...
SO I can't love Liv like she loves me (I don't care if I am being irrational because, frankly, shut up) because I'm too selfish and everything hurts. Everything hurts me sooooo bad, soooo bad, even the little things. The other day, she said she was a little envious of Lily's and Marina's stories. They "take risks," she says and Liv wants stories like that, apparently. I apologized for being lame and she laughed and I thought I didn't care but apparently I'm still thinking about it so I definitely do.
Cons of repressing feelings = you totally think you're over something when you're soo so not.
I don't "take risks" because I like staying inside all of the time and being quiet. Liv gets restless. She wants to go out and have fun and talk, but I don't and I feel so bad about that, soooooooo bad.
I want to be a better person, but I can't be a better person so I think it's just better if she leaves me alone. How do I get her to leave me alone? Self, that's a bad idea. Don't do that. DOn't be dumb.
I don't even wanna lose her! I love Liv sooo much, so much so much so much. But I don't want to hurt her and I feel like that's all I do!
Ahhh, I feel crazy and anxious and paranoid and I just want to drop everything — let me become a cow nose ray. They are cute and nudge-y with little vacuum mouths.
Meanwhile, I am disgusting, disgusting, incapable of proper love, which might be because I have some sort of skewed perception of love that has definitely not been improved by years of mental illness, but anyway the point is I can't do it and I feel horrible for everyone who has contact with me for extended periods of time (and by that, I mean the people who have known me for a year or more because then they know my true nature, which is to put myself first)........ Ahhh, ahhh, ahh! Earlier, and by earlier I mean half an hour ago, I was marveling at all the wonderful support I receive from all directions!
And then I felt terrible again because I can't be enough for them. I am never enough.
And okay, I know this is insane, I know I know I know I know.
Disappointment has to be a natural part of relationships. But, see, no one told me that so for a long time I only thought of 'disappointment' as a consequence of my own failings or my own perceptions of other peoples' supposed failings. I AM SAYING LOTS OF WORDS IN ORDER TO CONFUSE YOU BECAUSE MAYBE IF I MAKE IT JUST VAGUE ENOUGH IT WILL ENVELOPE THE CONCEPT I AM TRYING TO CONVEY AND YOU WILL SORT OF UNDERSTAND BUT SORT OF NOT AND THIS IS HOW YOU WILL LEAVE IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LVIES AND YOUR OWN CONCERNS AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO go back and read this over, you don't.
And this is what concerns me, is I'm not the only human being on the planet, so hurting and being hurt is inevitable and yes, yes, yes, we know this Veronica, we all know this, where have you been? Well, I knew it too, but it just seems so hopeless when I put it that way!
So maybe don't put it that way, self?
Hey, shut up. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of your god damn judgements. I'm tired of all this, tired. Somehow this is all your fault! If you were less god-damn self-aware, this wouldn't even be a problem! Why couldn't you be intelligent instead of self-aware? I'm talking logical and creative intelligence, okay. Instead, you're the worst kind of philosopher, thinking stupid things about your stupid self and never applying as much energy to the external world as you do this *waves hand around head* whole thing!!!!!!!!!! This whole stupid fucking thing!!
I'm not angry. Why, are you angry? I'm not angry.
I'm just... stung. Since a kid, I was stung and. I don't know why I have to suffer. Okay. I am going to go consider texting the suicide text line because I am thinking about death. Except perhaps I shouldn't do that, because it's not like I am actually intending to kill myself. Every time I think about it, I remember
1) my inability to grasp oblivion —› I'm terrified of it
2) the look on my mother's face, the absolute panic and anguish, when she finds out I'm dead
3) the disappointment, the intense disappointment, that others will feel when they found out what I've done.
Wow, haha. So the thing keeping me alive is also the thing that kind of makes me wanna die!
So, in conclusion, I am not suicidal enough to text a suicide hotline because that's not fair to people who are actually on the verge of dying, okay.
Also, as a reminder, I'm not depressed. I don't know what I am. Pretty sure I was just... born wrong.
Veronica had a good day. She also kind of wants to die but as always will never kill herself. She also doesn't deserve Liv because she's too selfish and stupid to return Liv's beautiful, pure looooooove! Tru story.