LustingforNightmares

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2017-03-25 17:45:35 (UTC)

College n' Friends


"The Weather" by Built to Spill


March 25, 2017 Saturday 6:38 PM


I talked on the phone with Caroline for like an hour and a half last night, which was nice. At first she was just calling me to talk about college because I got waitlisted at Oberlin.

It kind of sucks that I've been waitlisted at three schools. It's nice I haven't been rejected yet (next week, two more results will come in and they will pretty much 100% be rejections) but the waitlist is just. Eh. I kind of thought I'd get into one of those schools and it seems they agree I would do fine—but I just didn't want it enough, or at least that is what it looked like. The former is more accurate.

I don't really wanna go to Colorado Springs. The style of schooling sounds very interesting and quite suited to my needs, but it's so far away. Yes, Colorado Springs is beautiful, which is a huge perk, but... so faaaarr awaaayy.
Out of the three schools I got waitlisted at, Oberlin was my favorite but I'm still not sure I would go if they accepted me off the waitlist.
As for Williams... I probably won't even apply to remain on the waitlist. Williams is close to home and it's near Mass MoCa, but that's about all that I like about it. Otherwise, Williams just seems... cold and lonely, and I'm not particularly attracted to their academics aside from the cool Oxford program they have. I mean, Williams lacks creative writing and a real neuroscience major, so it just... Eh. It's underwhelming. I understand it's an amazing school, but it's just not for me I guess.

So far, the New York City school seems like my best bet. I mean, even Dr. Z thinks I would do well there... and even before all the results came in, the NYC school was second on my list of favorite choice. The first being an Ivy league (for its location, education, and flexibility). Now I think the NYC school is first on the list. The Ivy will reject me next week, which will be disappointing but I'll be okay.

I think I'm going to be really happy at the NYC school. I've been looking at their Integrative Neuroscience program (!!! I'd be on the Cognitive track) which sounds really cool, plus I'd be living in Manhattan, plus I can minor in Creative Writing and then go to graduate school for my creative writing MFA should I decide neuroscience isn't for me.... I mean!!!! It just sounds really cool, PLUS I'LL BE IN THE FUCKING CITY!! I will have so much to write about, so many strangers to chat with!!! I love chatting with strangers!!! That may sound strange, because I'm all introverted, but I find it kinda easy to talk to random people. I think it's because I know I probably won't be seeing them regularly.

Anyway, I'm really excited to go to the NYC school. I'm also kind of happy because maroon is the school color and for some reason I've always wanted to go to a maroon school???? I mean, lots of schools use the color. Colgate, Bard, St. Lawrence, Harvard, etc. etc. etc. And also my NYC skool. :3 Oh, yeah. I have to ask them for more money, though. Because right now, their fuckin' tuition adds up to $70,000 and the financial aid package they supplied only covers a little more than half of that. We cannOT pay $25,000 a year. That is a huge-ass chunk of our family income, dude. We can afford to pay less than half of that (because we're also paying for Caroline's education and, and, and, we send a lot of money to Nicaragua to help support our family there except that doesn't really show up on tax documents too often I'm pretty sure... IDK I don't know. I feel young today..).

ANOTHER PERK: Adrian got into Pratt!!!!! ! ! !!! If he decides to go, we'll be in the city together which I am very excited about. Adrian and I have been getting along really well lately. I realize what I was waiting for now, haha. And by that, I mean I now know why I continued holding onto his friendship even when I hated him.

I love being Adrian's friend—when we get along, at least. I don't know exactly what changed. I don't think he's boring anymore and his weird habits don't annoy me nearly as much as they did before.

He does this thing where he'll start a sentence with, "What's it called," followed closely by, "Oh, yeah!" and then he begins talking about Insert a Subject Here. Even if there is no 'what' involved in the topic, he will say, "What's it called," because Adrian is weird. To me, it feels like this phrase is a sort of foot in the door. It's like him saying, hey I have a thought and I want to express it, let me think, please hold on.

I'm only mentioning this habit because I think it's interesting. I am getting to know Adrian again. !!!

Alexis was happy to hear this. She said a while back, she told him to stop being "creepy" when it came to me. I'm going to have to ask her what she meant by that because I don't remember him being very creepy—just sort of clingy.

Anyway, Alexis thinks Adrian took her advice and that's why we get along better. And y'know, maybe Alexis is right because I was texting Adrian last night and towards the end of the conversation, I apologized for keeping him up late; he was like, "Apology accepted," and then later added, "I'm glad u texted me tho." It made me feel vaguely Icky.

Don't get me wrong, that was a nice thing to say, but it still kind of scares me away??? I just want us to be friends. I don't want him to """"""""Feeel""""""""" (sorry haha I'm being obnoxious) stuff for me. I want to be able to cuddle with him without worrying I'm leading him on. I don't think he likes me that way anymore (and if he did, he wouldn't act on those feelings) but the affection still puts me on my guard.

But I'm not gonna think about that right now. 'Cause I have to pee and I'm happ-pee. Get it, get it. WHY AM I LIKE THIS TODAY?

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I had other more interesting things to write but I don't really have the urge... Actually, I think I've entered another Writing Frenzy. All my "skills" are kind of directed at fiction right now, so instead of enjoying my time on this site, I'm actually finding it kind of tedious. Which is why the above entry and any entry from this week is Shitty.

A note to future self: I'm happy! HAPPY!


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