LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-03-15 00:11:00 (UTC)

From the Way-Back-When (AKA Wednesday)


1:11 AM

Mad's a thought. Anger's a feeling. Is what my sleepy brain says to me when it gets up to pee at 1 in the morning.

'Cause I usually think about Isaac at night, and about how sad he is. I mean, Sad as a being. He's a real Holden Caulfield—any time he's felt happy seems to be 'cause he 'felt like a kid again.' And something about that just makes me really sad. It's much easier to tell myself that I'm mad at him. But I think really, I just kind of pity him.

---

On Monday, I had a really good conversation with Adrian and it made me much less annoyed with him. I'm pretty sure the annoyance will come back, but still. I left the conversation feeling... normal. Not exhausted. This is unusual.

Also, he had been wearing some sort of light blue shirt and a blue-ish green corduroy baseball hat. It contrasted his red hair and matched his blue/green eyes, so he also looked very nice. I am one to appreciate the prettiness of a person, regardless of whether or not I like them. Wait, is that even true? Ah, whatever.

Monday wasn't really a great day. I mean, New Visions was good, but Adrian made some comment about Isaac (since he didn't know we're not talking and he probably didn't even know we were a Thing), which put me in a bad mood. We had been talking about Daria, and I mentioned that I didn't like her.

I was all, "She's bitter, she thinks she's better than everyone else, she disrespects her teachers even though they're just trying to do their jobs..."

And Adrian said, "And yet, you like Isaac." He's got a good point and, objectively, that's actually really funny. I'd laugh if the subject and target of the joke were changed, haha. Instead, I just felt sort of bruised. (Which was made worse when pretty much the whole Sandwich cru laughed about it, Jax especially. Jax really hates Isaac even though I'm willing to bet they're pretty similar.)

I guess I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to Isaac. It's not that I liked him THAT much. I mean, it was a minor crush which faded about a week after it was born, okay. But this was still my first relationship and I'm kind of upset that it was so stupid. And that he was so stupid! I know first relationships are supposed to be stupid, but usually when people say that, they're talking about middle school or early high school. I'm fucking 18 in a month. But I guess this is my problem—again, I cause myself grief by believing the world SHOULD be one way and becoming upset when it isn't.

Like, I SHOULD have a perfect (well, in my book) romantic relationship based mostly off friendship, but that's not what I had and it wasn't fun either. It was mostly just a cause of anxiety. And sadness, because Isaac is just a sad human being, jesus. He is so depressing to think about. He was in my dream last night, actually. We were cuddling (trying to sleep before the zombies found us lol) which was weird since I actually have zero desire to touch him ever again. Hmm.

ANYWAY, the Isaac comment put me in a bad mood. And then Liv was mildly upset that I didn't want to take the city bus to a coffee shop downtown... I had like three bags on my person. I carry around a five pound laptop (that might be an exaggeration??) and multiple textbooks on a daily basis. This, plus the extra baggage, does not make Getting On The Bus ideal. The problem was, the whole going-to-the-coffee-shop thing was supposed to be us celebrating Alexis's 18th birthday (which was last week).

I don't feel THAT bad because Alexis told me she didn't want to wait for the bus in the freezing cold. But I think Liv was disappointed, and what if Alexis DID wanna go?

This is yet another instance of me being selfish and opting to make myself happy over others.

At least I had my nice conversation with Adrian. I was annoyed with him, not just because of his comment but because he's just... So Adrian. He makes dumb quips that aren't that funny??? My sister found a way to articulate it for me when I described his joking style; it's like his jokes lack an absurdity???

I mean, we were playing online mini putt (me and Sandwich have an ongoing competition) and Adrian just kept telling me how terrible I was at the game, how just awful I was doing. And I actually was doing really bad! I know Adrian was joking, 'cause later he mentioned that usually I'm really good at that game (which I am, just sayin', tootin' my own horn), but he sounds so serious! I can't find his humor very entertaining because it kind of just feels like he's criticizing me, haha.

Later, he told me a bit about his ex-girlfriend and other people's drama. And then I asked him a bit about living with ADD, because I think I'm going to focus on ADD for my research project (I was inspired by my sister, who also has ADD).

After listening to Adrian talk about ADD, I think I have a better understanding of why he is the way he is. A slightly better understanding. I already knew many of the ADD symptoms and I knew Adrian had it, but it looks so different in my sister.

Caroline has a sort of lethargic ADD, in my opinion. She's not fidgety. Her eyes will kind of glaze over or she'll stop talking mid-sentence or she'll walk into a room and be unable to remember at all why she had entered in the first place (I know that last one happens to everyone, but it's more frequent for her).

Adrian is so twitchy. He's always moving around and talking fast. He's impulsive with his words, saying things before he really thinks about them, and this is so different from what I have witnessed in my sister. Caroline is careful and thoughtful when it comes to articulating herself.

Both of them get increasingly disorganized the more stressed they become, which is kind of extremely frustrating for both of them because it's really hard to be organized when you have ADD, and even harder when you've got stress added on top of that. I can't remember if it was Adrian or Caroline who compared organization to a house of cards. One thing out of place and it all collapses.

When Adrian gets stressed, he just doesn't sleep and he's super wired, jittery, strange—vibrating???? It's kind of tiring. Caroline doesn't really get like that.

I thought maybe Adrian had ADHD, but he corrected me when I said that. Just ADD. I dunno, I guess the differences stem from their environment.... and, y'know, in their brains. Which has more of a say? Eh, dunno. I mean, I said 'environment' because it makes sense that Caroline would be so good at reigning in some of her impulses. I mean, both of us had to learn to argue with our DAD, who is a logical machine, haha. In order to beat him, you've really got to be careful about how you present your argument. You have to examine your own logic, to make sure you've got some grounds for your claim before he goes off talking about logical fallacies and Why Your Argument Is Flawed.

I liked hearing about Adrian's experience with ADD. I've never really asked before. Maybe I'll be more understanding next time he gets stressed out. Usually, I just recede.

I ended up telling Adrian what I learned about the whole emotional intelligence thing I talked about last entry. By the way, I hate that entry. I sound so uppity. I'm sorry. I'm not an emotional genius. There's a lot about myself that I still don't understand, and I do a lot of dumb things without really knowing why. Such is the way of the human.

There's something else I disliked about that entry. Oh! Yeah. Well. Both Alexis and Adrian asked me whether or not my "angry periods" toward friends actually stems from an aversion to emotions/reliance. And I haven't really examined that yet, so it could to some degree have to do with that.

I mean, I hated with Isaac acted 'sensitive.' To be honest, I didn't like hearing about how I made him cry and stuff. Not because I felt bad for making him cry, but because I didn't like the image it produced in my head. This probably comes from some internalized oppression, maybe??? At least to some extent.

And also probably from my own habit of bottling up my emotions. Over the years, I've just gotten better and better at controlling myself. Which is a good thing, but it also puts me out of touch with the kinda wild intensity of pure feeling (not talking about depression)!!! I mean, when's the last time my heart beat faster when I thought about someone??? It's been 4 years, is how long. Also, anxiety. Now, I'm totally okay with having lost some of my sensitivity to anxiety, but sometimes it will come back in ways that I don't totally recognize so I don't even realize I'm anxious until someone points it out to me.

EXAMPLE: two months ago when my psychiatrist re-established the fact that I do indeed have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that I should probably be medicated so I spend less time (1) not sleeping and (2) constantly being tense. Among other things.

Is it gone now????? Eh, no, I really don't think so. I feel aight, though, and that's the important thing. I may have higher anxiety levels than the average person, but I'm okay.

What. What.


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