šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2017-03-19 00:01:00 (UTC)

The Beginning of The Sabbath Day.

It's just after midnight as I write. I'm tired and feeling sleepy too. Have been sleeping most of the day and only getting up to use the bathroom, have meals take my meds and smoke. I have been breaking a tailormade cigarette into four small sections and re-rolling thin filter-tipped cigarettes. Each cigarette I smoke now since my surgery is frightening and I'm glad that it frightens me to smoke. I shouldn't be smoking or drinking for that matter either. No alcohol today thank goodness.
My right arm artery has been aching along the forearm section for the past two days. Now it has stopped feeling sore, which is good. The surgical site entry on my right wrist beneath my thumb is itching now, which is a good sign that I'm healing well and the area is no longer sore when I touch it. The bruising is going a lighter purplish red to and pale yellow around the site entry. All good healing signs. The site entry on my right groin is still deep purple but hurts much less when I touch it now. A deep soreness. My chest and heart area still has periodic discomfort but nothing major. I've only had to use the GTN spray two and a half times today. Two sprays under the tongue twice and one spray an hour ago.

The smoking has to go. It's dangerous for me to smoke. Plus I still live with fear of an early death. I'm afraid to die and I don't want to die. I'll not see my grandchildren if I die and I will miss them.

I burst into tears and broke down sobbing over this when I went back to theatre for a second time. Life is not easy, however, I don't enjoy making things even more difficult thañ they already are. Happy Sabbath and g'nite. I'd




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