šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2017-03-17 21:55:00 (UTC)

A Need To Write...

The insanity of alcoholism has worked its insidious tentacles into my life unrelenting. I have two brand new stents in a main blood supply to my pummelled heart and I am on my third bottle of wine since last night! Ffs! This is sheer madness! I called in to visit with a fellow sober member of a 12-step program tonight on the way back from the liquor store. That was a courageous act. I said I was in a spot of trouble. I am desperate for help to stop drinking and smoking. I've bought a new pack of smokes tonight. Unreal! Yet real! And insane! My body is covered in the after effects of medical procedures! My right forearm has been aching all day from the bruised artery where a catheter sleeve and catheter was inserted and my right groin is black and deep purple where another sleeve and catheter was inserted. My inner sides of my elbows have spot bruising from two intravenous lines and dot bruises on the backs of my hands where blood has been drawn continuously yet here I am drinking wine and smoking again! Fuck addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. "It wouldn't do to tempt fate twice," the ECO technician says to me, "because if you carry on smoking those tiny stents will eventually collapse."
I am a fool to tempt fate and ride the razor's edge of active addiction.
I need to write this scenario out because if I keep this dangerous shit to myself, not only does it keep me sick, it also gains a powerful momentum that I am powerless to stop. I'm going to a 12-step meeting on Sunday night. I'm desperate and at my wits end.
Thankyou daughter for your non-judgemental and caring attitude. I'm so grateful for being able to spend time on the phone with my grandchildren tonight. I will be joining my precious gramddaughter on Snapchat shortly so we can text each other regularly. She just got eyeglasses and they still feel foreign to her.
Happy St. Patricks Day. Rainbows feet embedded in pots of gold, and little green-clad leprechauns with playful elusive spirits, Guinness beer loaded with nutrients and Irish whisky.
Fark! I'm listening to the Alice Cooper show. He hasn't had a drink in 35 years! Old-timer trooper. Shit this is forever humbling stuff. Kudos to you Alice C...sobriety is amazing. Wow.
Murray Ball our beloved cartoonist icon passed away. Footrot Flats creator and political commentator of all things socially correct AND incorrect. RIP Murray.
My beloved music professor Guyon Wells passed away fifteen days after my 54th birthday in January this year. RIP Guyon sweetheart. We had our intellectual disagreements, however, I'm gÄŗad we could bury the proverbial hatchet on one thing : music IS a universal language that surpasses the boundaries of any other language known to mankind.
I have wine to drink...gotta go...bye...po marie e...buona notte...sayonara...g'nite.




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